TW just in case.
I (25m) have been with my girlfriend (23F) for about 6 months. To say I’m in love with this girl is an understatement. Shes the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Shes the most beautiful, sweet, precious human being on the planet.
She went through some serious shit that she just opened up to me about last week during her childhood, up until she was 18. I’m not going to go into details, but, it was some of the most horrific shit I’ve ever heard in my life. Horror movie level shit.
I always knew something had happened to her. She would flinch if I moved too fast, constantly thinking I’m mad at her when I’m not, panic attacks. Etc.
When we don’t have sex, she thinks I’m mad at her or I don’t want her around. Stuff like that. It’s gotten better, but, she still struggles with it a lot. A lot of her struggles are with sex, which I totally understand.
I’ve told her multiple times that we could never have sex again and she would still be the one I chose, because I didn’t choose her for sex. I chose her because I am head over heels, literally, lol.
It’s my goal to take her at least on one date a week, and I’ll take her to dinner, and target (her favorite), and whatever else she wants. Afterwards, she feels like she owes me sex. It breaks my heart.
When I get off of work, I’m most of the time exhausted and I don’t have the energy to do anything, especially after we go on a date. I work in a plant doing construction, so my bones hurt most of the time lol. She’ll come over, or I’ll go over to her place and I’ll literally just want to cuddle her and go to sleep after a shower. I prefer cuddling over sex anyways. Well, she will apologize, saying things like ‘I’m sorry I didn’t give you sex’ with tears in her eyes. She doesn’t understand that I don’t need sex, and I literally just want her. I want her smile, I want her laugh.
As I said, it’s getting better. Shes in therapy. I am as well.
Basically, my advice is, what can I do to help her? How can I be the supportive partner she needs? She deserves the whole world, and I want to give it to her.
You can’t help her. You can support her by being present with her and assure her as much as you can. What you’re doing right now is good. Keep going.
Thanks. I appreciate it!
Heavy. You could just make a point when cuddling (prior to her become emotional) after work that this is your idea of a perfect night, or something. Maybe repeat it in the morning, “last night was great for me.” Ect.
Thank you so much. I’ll do that when I see her tomorrow for sure.
Good luck bro. You likely have have to “train her” in to accepting that night time relaxation with her, brightens your mornings. She probably is struggling to believe that. She probably currently believe that only orgasms do this.
It takes years to heal and stabilize after trauma. It’s like the nerve system has to be retrained. It helps a lot to have a stable partner.
I used to date a woman like this and it worked well while I could keep it together but once I got depressed for other reasons the relationship collapsed. I still miss her.
I’m sorry to hear that man. That sucks. I’m sending the best of luck your way.
She isn’t like this all the time. This isn’t a 24/7 thing. She’s been there for me when I’ve needed it. We’re partners, a team. It’s just, when she gets in her head, she gets depressed and anxious. And I don’t blame her.
She’s sort of incapable of believing that you love her for who she is, not just for sex (or that anyone could love her for who she is). My wife had similar issues, but the opposite effect, she didn’t want to have sex because it made her feel used. And unlike you I really did need it, though I also was not with her for the sex…
Mostly it just takes time. Treat her well whether you’re getting anything out of it or not. Though don’t be TOO afraid to ask for things you need, that’s a depressing life…
Therapy is great. And just being supportive, accepting, patient, and consistent. I understand the struggle, even though my situation is not identical. MyGF had a really difficult childhood (parental abandonment, poverty) and she really struggles with trust issues (she feels like she is responsible if anyone hurts her).
I am doing my very best to be patient and supportive, but it is really hard. She really needs therapy, but her employment does not provide health care, and I am able to help support her some–but not enough for consistent therapy at the moment.
I have to keep reminding myself that she is really doing her best. It can be easy to get exasperated with her behavior and her inability to trust sometimes, but her hyper vigilance was what got her through the lack of her parents and the loss of her grandparents (primary caregivers) before she was an adult.
It breaks my heart that the Affordable Care Act allows children to stay on their parents insurance to age 26, but doesn’t have provisions for 18-26yr olds who have no parents in contact.