So I am an extremely shy, quiet, introverted older guy. You would think I’d have this figured out by now, but I just ran into a woman who reminded me that I’m not even close to figuring it out.
For whatever reason I don’t seem to have a problem attracting women. Even worse, the women I seem to attract the most are the women I’m the most attracted to.
So I’ve seen the dance of course; woman throws a look at a guy, guy starts chatting with her gauging her interest, woman continues to show interest, guy asks for contact info, woman gives it, and they’re off.
Here’s me: woman throws me a look, I’m stunned but give the look back. Woman either continues with the look or gives it multiple times. I run away. Occasionally (rarely) we run into each other in a situation where we might exchange a few words, sometimes I manage a lame joke and they laugh as if it was actually funny, and they do seem to enjoy our brief chats. Sometimes they’ll even seek me out later on. But for the life of me I can’t get to the point of asking for their contact info. I can’t finish the dance.
How do you stay calm enough to ask for her info, or ask her out? If I even get close to that point I panic and my mind goes completely blank. I usually end up mumbling something and running away. How do you keep yourself calm enough?
You’re telling me that you are so hot that women ogle you in public and you are so socially incompetent that you can’t figure out ‘hello’ and in fact often literally scurry away in fear? Lol
To be fair, my eldest son looks like a young Tom Cruise. He is incredibly handsome. But he is also autistic. Girls and even women (he’s 16) hit on him and he is so socially awkward that it never goes anywhere. He just doesn’t get it.
We’re on Reddit, this checks out. I’ve been solo at the club, had women come up to me, dance on me, and I still have managed to fumble that. Granted I’m not scurrying away in fear but yea lmao
You will need to break your body’s natural response. With exposure. Think of people who can’t swim. They could if they didn’t tense their muscles and panic in the water. So don’t panic slow down relax. Practice on people you are not that attracted to first. You need to learn about attraction and how to cultivate and escalate but first learn how to float then u can master swimming!
OP needs to not have any expectations, to not care if the conversation goes well or not, to simply chat for the fun of it. It’s a difficult headspace but it is possible to achieve. As you said , conversation is a skill, skill needs practice to become easy and natural.
This is why social media was made. “What’s your snap?” or “Can I get your IG?” Both of those work extremely well especially since phone numbers tend to be pretty personal. If you can’t do something as simple as making an IG and posting a couple pics on a private account then man up and get used to rejection.
He said he’s an older guy though. Asking any woman above like 25, unless they’re immature is shit, would cringe if you asked for their Snapchat
By not turning it into a big thing. I mean that as in not selling it as a big thing to yourself as well as her.
‘This was great, would you like to go for a drink sometime?’ Or words to that effect.
You listen to them.
If they’re open to you “closing”, they often give more direct clues than just a look. So when they have made things clear, be present enough to realize it.
As for staying calm: just be capable of taking rejection well and stay calm. It’s doesn’t need to be a big deal.
You need to break the cycle, its really easy. “Hey, look, sorry is it cool if we exchange numbers?” Job done. Yes or no, black and white. Don’t over complicate
You just do it. There’s no secret or trick. You’re worried they’ll say “no.” And some of them will. But at least you tried. Eventually you’ll get “yes.”
In short, suppress your inner dialog, ignore the butterflies. Fake it til you make it.
We have to stop meeting like this. Let’s get together over dinner. What’s your number?
You need to get rejected more. Sounds awful I know. But just like anything else you need to get some reps in to get better at it.
Just ask them for those digits and expect to get shot down in new and amazing ways until you get better at it.
The harder the target the better.
As an old man at 23 I can tell you that the key is finding women that already like you first. You will always struggle to close with a woman that isn’t interested in you but will find it very easy to close with a woman that does like you.