I’ve (31) been seeing this guy (40) for about three weeks, and we have insane chemistry- like, the connection is physical, emotional, and almost addictive. He’s smart in that hyper-analytical, tech-obsessed way…he reads obscure policy blogs, knows every geopolitical figure, and can turn any topic into a TED Talk. I admire it, but I also feel totally out of my depth sometimes.
I’m intelligent in my own way ( creative, intuitive, emotionally aware ) but I’m not up to date on tech, politics, or every reference. I have terrible recall, I’m not a brilliant communicator, and when I blank on a name or concept, I can feel him looking at me like I’m missing something obvious. He’s never said anything cruel, but I can tell he notices.
Meanwhile, he’s already introducing me to his friends (I haven’t met him halfway there yet), and he seems really into me. Still, I keep worrying he’ll lose respect for me the more he realizes I’m not an encyclopedic thinker like he is.
So I’m curious — especially from men:
Would you lose interest in someone who’s intelligent in a different way? Someone curious, grounded, creative ….but maybe not constantly up on world events, not a debater, not a walking database? Or is that insecurity just in my head?
Intelligence and knowledge are 2 separate things.
a lot of the time, very knowledgeable people just lack the intelligence that it takes to understand when, where, and how to share this knowledge in a way that doesn’t make you come off like a dickhead
And there are many types of knowledge. I’m a political/tech/science guy professionally and am deeply immersed in a lot of that stuff. My wife is not — but she’s brilliant, has a PhD in engineering, etc.. We have plenty to talk about even though our intellectual worlds don’t overlap that much.
I have never had a partner share in any of my intellectual interests. I am absolutely fine with that, so long as they humour me to the same degree I would humour their hobbies, pursuits or interests.
yeah, one of the keys to any healthy relationship is “takes an interest in the things that matter to your partner, because they matter to your partner”
its not what I’d call an intellectual interest but I always think about the dudes who got all holier than thou and acted like they were being emasculated because their girlfriend wanted to dress up in matching outfits, go see Barbie, and take cute couple pics.
You know this is common, right? Couples who compliment their strengths and weknesses.
your wife is the spelling bee champion eh?
So you mean someone that’s intelligent but has different life experiences that we could discuss or someone I could learn from and also teach and share my experiences with?
Seems pretty perfect to me.
This describes my wife and I to a degree. Over the years she has gained more knowledge and interest in things like current affairs. I am happy about this, but at the same time I sometimes dislike it. I read way too much news, and spend too much time thinking about it. Now that she actually wants to talk about these things I’m exhausted. I’d honestly rather not discuss them much of the time, as it already uses enough of my mental energy.
It’s just insecurity.
My wife and I have been this way for close to 30 years. Our brains work differently. It’s fine, probably healthy even , that she doesn’t remember all of the insane nonsense I do. Two of me would be way too much.
I’m like your BF. I doubt you have an issue unless you start to show hostility towards him. Generally, people want to be helpful and derive pleasure out of being so and he has long ago realized that everyone is not like him. Be pleasant and if you don’t know something ask and say thank you. On the other hand, if you are habitually reminding him that “he already told you \[XXX\]” because your pride is hurt, then expect him to shut down.
Sounds like you’re projecting your own insecurity. You don’t know he’s actually feeling those things you think he is.
There’s nothing romantic about intellectual debate. But a woman who is genuinely interested in what interests me? Who asks questions and actually seems to want me to talk about it? That’s wife material right there.
Note that I said “interested in what interests me” not “has the same interests as me”. Just ask questions, get him talking, and show genuine interest. That’s all we want.