My husband(m) and I(f) have been together for over a decade and are in our mid-thirties. I have always had a significantly more active sex drive than he has, and it’s been an open topic of conversation throughout our relationship. We’ve had a very very hectic few months professionally and personally, and due to this the overall intimacy and sex life has taken a hit-and we’ve both acknowledged this and discussed it! I want to preface this with he isn’t completely aloof and we have had conversations about this over the past few weeks/months about this.
In these conversations we’ve noted we need to take care of ourselves-finding time to do the things we like to do independently of each other. And we both want to get back to the gym/eat better (which I know long term helps with energy levels).
Here’s where I’m struggling: I’m feeling like I have to have the same conversations with him about intimacy and sex every few months to be on the same page.
I want him to tell me what he wants but he says he just wants to make me happy and feel good-which is cute and sweet but like FUCK, tell me what makes you feel most connected outside of the bedroom, talk to me about what turns you on the most in the bedroom, tell me what you want in the moment, plan a day that makes you feel most connected.
Yes, I’ve asked for these things. And yes, I’ve told him what I like and want and appreciate. I feel like he gets shy and nervous (which again-this man has been putting his mouth where I pee for over a decade) and/or it just doesn’t resonate with him that this isn’t just a random thought in my brain and these are things I want long term-not just for a week after we discuss it.
What it starts to feel like to me is that his low sex drive and lower need/desire for intimacy becomes more important than my high sex drive and increase need/desire for intimacy. And I’m sure some days it feels like that for him-that I’m more important for him.
Im always always always open to communication and discussing with him-I love this man and at no point does my brain even consider leaving him. Im trying to find different ways to approach this conversation in a way that maybe I don’t need to have this conversation every 3-6 months. I also don’t want sex or connecting/intimacy to become a check list he only feels obliged to engage in
I hope this all gives context and is clear-I just don’t know how to get through his sweet little head of his how important it is for me to feel connected to him, and to feel attractive to him, and why that’s continually important
It sounds like your issue is far beyond the bedroom, but even at that it’s odd for a man to be sexually distant. Not saying it’s a you problem, but definitely try looking in the mirror. In the midst of an argument with my wife, I finally let loose and told her how I had been feeling and the way I felt treated in our home. She was dumbfounded saying she never realized she had said/done anything I had listed.
Yeah I hear that. Which is part of the reason I came to reddit. I don’t want to feel like I’m nagging him about this which is likely to cause the reverse effect-but then I fall into the circle of am I ignoring my needs?
It is nice to be desired. Tell him you want to bang him. Sent him a calendar invite. Dirty text messages. Make him feel desired.
Mr squirrel chaser man. It👏🏽does👏🏽not👏🏽work. This is part of the issue-I’ll attempt to engage and tease and have fun with it. There’s a disconnect
“Do you help around the house?” 👈🏻 The question women always ask a man when he complains about a dead bedroom.
When men ask women to give insight into why their female partner never wants sex, they always assume the woman is too tired from domestic chores because the man doesn’t help. Now, hear me out because I’m not criticizing the “classic tired housewife” theme. A large number of women are turned off by their men being unhelpful with the dishes and laundry. They never feel in the mood, and it’s one part being tired from all the domestic work falling on them, and one part resentment and dissatisfaction with the lazy man killing her desire for him. That’s a legitimate problem and I’m not saying they are wrong to jump to that conclusion.
And in most cases these men aren’t helpful and they don’t see it. These men can have a raging case of the flu and still want to fuck. These men can be 3/4 submerged in quicksand and covered in mosquitos and still be ready to fuck. So they think, “I’m always ready to fuck and she’s never ready to fuck, so what’s wrong with her?” So the overwhelming response from women is, “you’re what’s wrong with her. Your actions turn her off.”
In your case, OP, the genders are flipped. Your “turn me on” buttons are quite easily pressed, and his aren’t.
So, what is going on in your relationship that’s preventing your husband from being in the mood?
This is great insight. I think this is probably the root question I need to discuss with him. Like what prevents the connection in and out of the bedroom
I think there are a lot of people that don’t require a complicated sequence of events to get turned on. Men seem to often fall into this category. And then there are a lot of people that require a more complicated set of factors to fall into place to be turned on. Women seem to be in that group often. You’re one of us: easy to turn on, enjoy sex, consider it a way to connect emotionally. He’s one of them: harder to turn on, probably satisfied emotionally without sex, not as driven to be physically intimate, or easily turned off by *whatever* it is that is 86-ing the sex for you both.
So, you’re getting the advice most women give to men. Figure out what you are doing wrong. That probably feels hurtful and confusing and unhelpful. I hear you. You’re ready for more sex, so how are you the problem? You (probably) aren’t the problem. The problem is complicated. If I knew what to tell you, I’d be getting laid a lot more in my life.
No no no no.
Stop having “the conversation”. You can not negotiate attraction, at best you will get duty sex.
Listen to the dead bedroom fix. It’s the same concept for you but the genders are reversed.
This wins the internet today.
I should clean the house… Not for the sexy thing, but because I should clean the house.
Great post and insight, guys are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Its always our fault.
It boggles the mind how often married couples end up in this lopsided dynamic. It’s almost as if the universe prevents LL’s from matching with other LL’s and HL’s from matching with equally HL’s.
I think this situation is even possible with slightly mismatched libido couples, because the lower libido partner inevitably feels performance pressure and it snowballs into an issue.
All the women I’ve dated, I’ve only ever been the lower libido partner once and I def felt pressure that made me want sex even less.
It genuinely sucks cause it can introduce real problems with an otherwise perfect relationship.
Read the sexless marriage pages.