i (23F) have been with my bf (24m) for 3.5 years. we originally met in college and lived in a city about 4 hours away. This past year, i moved home while he stayed in that city and it was hard doing long distance and seeing eachother once a month for 2 days. We were arguing a lot and the relationship just felt off and was not fun anymore. I started to feel like i genuinely just did not like him despite him being so sweet and would do anything for me. I started to grow unattracted to him. I thought that i was feeling this way due to distance and rarely seeing him. I basically fucked up by telling him that he needs to move to my city or we are going to break up. He finally got a good paying job in my city and moved here with no friends, family, etc. I realized I am so unhappy and genuinely just do not like him. I really thought it was the distance that is making me feel this way. He did not do anything wrong. He is very very sweet, kind, would do anything for me. My issue is that he has no personality and is very boring. No conversation we have ever had has been mentally stimulating. He rarely makes me laugh, and when he does it’s bc it’s an inside joke that i came up with. He is very socially awkward and makes social situations uncomfortable. I’ve grown to become very unattracted to him. He doesn’t take care of his body. I go to the gym 3-4x a week, eat a healthy diet, put in a lot of effort for my appearance. he eats like a bird and is very skinny. yellow messed up teeth. i weigh 115 pounds and he shakes when he picks me up. He is very non confrontational and has not stood up for me in the past when other men have hit on me in public. He also just happens to be pretty unintelligent. Just a low IQ in general. He makes lots of stupid decisions that make his life harder for him.
I guess i just went on a rant about it. I don’t know why I am so sad to break up with him because i am not happy. He is just so sweet and i guess i am very comfortable. I have tried to tell him so many times how i feel and he has done nothing to change it. I understand that you can’t change your personality but you can take care of your appearance and your body. he keeps saying he’s going to eat more and go to the gym and he still doesn’t. I just don’t know that to do anymore. I messed up so badly having him move here because i’m the only one he had. I know i’m a horrible person i just genuinely thought i felt this way because of distance and that him moving here would make me like him more. It is to a point where i don’t like to go in public because men im attracted to will try to talk to me and it seriously bums me out because i feel like im missing an opportunity for meeting someone i like. I just feel so stuck and so horrible. this situation is so unfair to him. I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. Please help me out on how i should approach this situation and next steps?
tldr; bf and i did long distance and i started to not love him anymore. i thought it was just the distance and had him move to my city. i realized i just didn’t like him as a person and now i feel stuck with him.
You feel guilty. You basically told him he had to upheave his life and move to a strange town where he only knows you to be with you and can’t figure out why you feel bad?
No you shouldn’t be with him but you knew that on some level before the ultimatum and now you wish you hadn’t.
I’m not saying you have to stay with him, but maybe next time do the mature and frankly smart thing and end the relationship when you start feeling like it isn’t working
i know why i feel bad. i fucked up, as i said in the original post. Also, my town is a major populated city and we live downtown, not a small strange town, not that that changes anything but he didn’t move to a middle of nowhere rural area.
You’re right that changes literally nothing. You still gave him an ultimatum when you already knew you weren’t happy and it doesn’t matter if it was the heart of NYC or a Podunk town in Wyoming he still only knew you and moved there FOR YOU.
Break up if you want but quit categorizing this as a “fuck up” it’s so much more than that. You forced him into a life altering decision, that may be ok now, but who knows what the future holds or what opportunities he passed up on what was a lose-lose situation for him.
my main point still stands. It was neither mature or smart to give an ultimatum thinking it would improve the relationship when you were already miserable.
Woof that is so rough.
It sounds like at the end of the day you just don’t like him. Usually I’d suggest having some hard conversations about how he needs to work on his health and how you want more conversational effort.
Personally, I’d play nice for a month and really think about the decision and how it would be best to break to your partner.
Gentile honesty is the best answer. Tell him that you have grown apart but don’t be too specific about what you don’t like. I mean if he pushes for it maybe tell him but it’s best to save his feelings.
But take accountability and be honest and just tell him you thought him moving here would make it better but it wasn’t enough and you’re sorry for uprooting his life.
Just don’t waste too much of his time stewing on it.
Well it’s definitely shitty because you convinced him to move over there, but that’s all about it where you messed up.
He needs to get his shit together, and he hasn’t, and your not attracted to him anymore. That’s his fault. He probably plays video games all day or something when he’s not working, and you don’t feel protected with him because he’s really skinny and dosent stand up for himself. On top of it you say he’s an idiot, when you know a lot of things, and read and watch a lot of things to learn from, that alone can make you more humorous. Not saying you’ll be a comedian but it’ll at least make for more stimulating conversations like you want.
My advice, try one last time to make it work if you want, be brutally honest with him if you have to, and if he still isn’t trying or changing, dump him and tell him he has to leave your place and it isn’t going to work.
no, he doesn’t spend his time playing video games. he plays basketball and watches sports in his free time and likes to be out of the house. but no, i do not feel protected by him, partially due to his size and his non confrontational personality.
Since you think so poorly of him, please break up so he can find someone who really values him. The fact that you pressured him into moving to your city makes it more difficult on your conscience, but that shouldn’t keep you from setting this poor man free.
Tell him the relationship is over in as kind a way you can muster. Be firm and don’t leave room for false hope, just because it might make you feel a bit less like an AH.
Good luck to you both.
Who Tf is going to value him, he sounds like a loser no offense. He needs to level up.
he’s not a loser. he’s incredibly kind, generous, and a very hard / motivated worker and would make a great boyfriend for somebody else, just not me.
You literally described a loser though… no personality, dosent stand up for himself or you when men hit on you in front of him. You don’t feel protected with him. You said he has no personality and you don’t have any stimulating conversations with him. As a man, in a man’s eyes, that’s a complete loser.
I’m not really sure why you made a Reddit post honestly
You know the answer, you messed up here and you know it. So now you need to step up and handle your problem.
This guy doesn’t deserve your ire and ridicule, all he did was move to make you happy and you weren’t mature enough to end the relationship instead of giving him an ultimatum
So it’s time to end this. Sit him down and tell him that you’re not happy and that it’s time for the relationship to end. Offer him help to find a place and/or roommates if he wants to stay and give him time to figure out his next moves
In the future, forcing a guy to move in with you when you’re already not happy isn’t a smart move. You need to learn a lot from this about how to communicate better
He’s got girl problems I feel bad for him hun,
I got 99 problems but a b**** (like you) ain’t one
The best thing to do would have been to break up a year ago. The next best thing you can do is to break up now.