I have been with my boyfriend just about 3 years and its been great, we get along really well, have fun together, have full trust and respect for one another. The issue comes in when I graduated college about 10 months ago. I am an engineer and joined a consulting firm right out of school, having no industry knowledge and no idea how high pressure this field is. Come to find out the hours are insane and there is little room for error (lives can be at stake) which is extremely stressful as an entry level person. I have had anxiety my entire life and this job has completely put me over the edge. The hours, management, clients…in less than a year I have developed so many stress related health issues. I am truly falling apart as in wondering how I can go on several times, and have sensed my partner slowly pulling more and more away. Keep in mind, we both work full time from home. I dont blame him for becoming less attracted to me at all. I try not to subject him to my "mini breakdowns" but we live in an apartment and theres few places to go. Basically its me crying, negative self talk about how "stupid" I am, or complaining in extreme frustration about boss/clients (not directly to him). Not violent, not loud, but the words of someone who has a short fuse and emotional immaturity. I have never taken it out on my partner, but I have, for example, unknowingly just completely ignored everything he said to me about an unrelated topic, because in my head I am losing it, and am working overtime to keep my composure for him so he does not become even more un-attracted to me than he probably is.
I was never like this before and I am deeply upset that I have become a short tempered person in our home. I should have started applying to other jobs much sooner but I honestly thought things would improve and I just had to push through, but its only gotten worse. I have started applying to new jobs but truthfully it is going to take some time, as I cannot afford to lose this job by neglecting my responsibilities and the hours are so insane I barely have anything left in me for a whole job search. I had to apply full time for 2 months before I got this gig and I lucked out compared to other recent grads I know still looking.
My partner used to see me as intelligent, beautiful, ambitious, like I was going to be something. I believe now he sees me as an emotional wreck that can’t handle what life throws at her, and that I would be an awful partner in times of stress. I cant disagree with him.
I have discussed my struggles with him a few times, when I wasn’t spiraling, and it was really emotional for me. Honestly im crying typing this, because I feel such a failure to admit I am struggling this badly with just a job. At one point I was at the end if my rope entirely and I suggested to him I just quit and pick up serving or bartending shifts until I secure something else, so I can regain some sanity, have time in the day to apply/interview, and it is the only "easy" job that I can get that will cover my student loans, rent, etc. I could tell immediately he was disappointed. The succesful person he was going to be with is throwing away multiple degrees and years of hard work/debt to work as a bartender. Trust me, I know how insufferable this all makes me sound. Every day I wake up, open my laptop and think "today, Im just going to do my best, and if it’s not enough, so be it", and by lunch I fall apart for one reason or another. I feel fried beyond repair.
Im just wondering if anyone has been in a position where an extremely demanding job was taking over you and your relationship? Were you able to salvage the relationship and undo the damage ? Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t even be in a relationship anymore, its not fair to him and it makes me feel even worse when I can tell every day that hes not happy with me, but he says everythings fine. Basically looking for any advice or help that I can do right now, thank you.