M27 I was in a very rough breakup last summer. I was with her for 6 years and was running a business for 2 years (that was my only source of income)
Things started going downhill with the business and I was going broke. It got to a point where I left the business, about a week later the girl decides to leave. I think the business failing was taking a huge toll on the relationship. It wasn’t a clean breakup – she texted me saying she wanted to take a break and I never saw her again. So it was a 6 year relationship ended over a text.
I basically found myself in a spot where I was broke, had no income, heartbroken and in bad shape physically. I was starving myself after the breakup and lost 20 pounds when I didn’t have 20 pounds to lose. I’m 6’1” and at my lowest I was 170lbs – I looked dangerously skinny.
*I also have no friends – my ex girlfriend drove me away from my childhood friends like 2-3 years into our relationship. (I know I shouldn’t have let that happen but I did)
So I would say I was at rock bottom last August and decided to start slowly climbing out of it. I got back in the gym and I’m very happy with the results so far, I’m now a lean 195 and feel great physically. I started going to therapy 4 months ago and I’ve been reading 2-3 books per month which has been great for me mentally.
I also secured a good job in finance making six figures so financially my life has also turned around.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come because simply getting out of bed last summer was unbearable.
However, I saw something that reminded me of my ex yesterday and I was feeling some crazy urges to reach out. (We have not spoken since last summer). Since yesterday I have been feeling very down.
I guess it’s normal to still get the waves of emotions being that we were together for 6 years but I wanted to see if anyone had some advice as to how I can continue on the right path. When the emotions come up, I’ll spiral out of control mentally – I’d like to get this more under control.
Eventually you’ll become numb to that, just stay strong and when you feel ready try to go on dates.
It is definitely normally to still grieve what once used to be a living, breathing part of your life and expected future. Grief exists in its own timeline. Some days are worse than others and some you don’t feel it at all. Whatever you do though, don’t circle back trying to swoop her up now that you’ve stabilized.
This is extremely normal. 6 months is not long at all relative to 6 years.
The spiraling is hard. Personally I turn to distraction that doesn’t leave space for spiraling thoughts or talk to someone. For me, talking to someone snaps me out of the spiral. LLMs are also pretty good at breaking out of spiraling thought logic for me and are my go to when I want a different kind of support or don’t especially want to admit to my friends that I’m spiraling about the same thing for the 5th time this month. Getting outside and exercising can help also. Audiobooks, movies, and TV are my preferred distractions for spiraling thoughts. If I turn to them early enough, they’re enough to interrupt the spiral. Later, they just make being in the spiral suck less and not continue downward until I can talk to a friend. This is also something therapy should be able to help with.
You didn’t mention the flavor of spiraling thoughts you have. Depending on what you’re looping about, there may be better techniques. Some people make a list of why the relationship wasn’t working for them. You could remind yourself that your ex was shitty enough to leave you at your lowest point with only a text. But in both cases, that might make it worse.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It really sucks and is a very difficult and exhausting thing to live with.
Don’t reach out, maintain your dignity, that’s all we have as men.
Therapy. You need help developing new coping mechanisms and a guide to rebuild more of your confidence
You are making good progress. Continue that path. Those feelings will diminish until they are imperceivable.
Get through you head it’s done
Work through your relationship issues (perhaps with a therapist)
And set definite goals, track your achievements
You need to get some friends. Take up some hobbies that interest you and meet some people.
You have found a new path but not a new purpose. Perhaps thats why you are looking to reconnect? To have that old reason for being.
I would look ahead and find a new purpose. Purpose is not just financial success, that is a number that you can watch go up or down. I have found purpose in human connection. In valuing people, in seeing them grow, in offering a helping hand. In being good to others.
I recommend you get out there and volunteering for somethings you like or care about. Dog shelter, foodbank, something that shares some kernel of value in your heart. Maybe you will meet a new woman to hold purpose in your heart too. In any case you will be doing good.
Happy for you to have found a new strong foundation. You are going to do some good out there!
start skateboarding bro
I’m sorry to hear about the breakup, it sounds really hard! It is pretty natural what you are going through. Even though life in general is going well, it can definitely happen where something small triggers those old feelings of loss, I’ve definitely been there. And 6 years is a long relationship! I’ve had 6 month relationships that took time to heal from.
You sound like you are definitely on the right path. Keep up the therapy, and be kind to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you, in fact it sounds like there is a lot right with you.
You were going broke she left. Yeh they do that