(M46) and (f43) together 22 years, where does this leave us?

Hi there. I will try and keep this brief. Bit of background first. My partner and I have been together for 22 years. We have mutual friends, another couple that we have known for 20 years, together. I met the guy at work and about 6 months after we met his partner as two couples and this is what our friendship had always been. When we go out we go out as two couples, always. Within the last few years I have lost both parents to cancer, both at 67. This broke me for a long time and I have not been my best self, struggling with grief and PTSD. My partner and I have been struggling and arguing a lot in this time about stupid things, from her side and mine. We have been planning a new start but we really did lose our way for a while. This culminated in a huge row in which she told me she was done with me and finished with us.

I left to stay at my mums house on my own (which is for sale) to try and calm things between us and to provide a safe space for each of us. As she had told me we were finished, I decided to leave it for her to contact me if she wanted to as I really did think she meant what she said at the time. 14 days passed with no contact from either side. My mums birthday was on the 14th day and I had decided to set this as a deadline in my head to see if she would contact me as she knew this would be a sad day for me. I believed in my mind that if I didn’t hear from her that day, then we were really finished as she really did not care. On that morning there were some yellow roses, my mum’s favourite outside the front door and a card that said thinking of your mum today. I was really pleased. I messaged to say thank you and we had a brief but positive message exchange.

The next day, as I had heard from her the day before, I decided to go back home and see if she would like to go out to get some lunch. When I arrived she was not there. This is where my more recent problems began. I went back to mums and called her but got no answer. I called again later and still no reply. As it grew later in the evening and still with no answer I decided to go back home and see if she was in. By this time it was about 11pm. We are home bods and don’t go far so when I got there and she was still not in I became really worried and yes I admit, a bit paranoid.

I went back to mums and messaged her to ask where she was and if she was ok as I had been trying to contact her all day. I still got no reply. Around midnight I called again and this time the phone answered but it was not my partners voice. I asked who it was as I did not recognise the voice at first and it was only then I was told it was one of our mutual friends. I really was blown away. Never had it crossed my mind my partner would have gone to see our friends without me, at least not without telling me about it first. We had messaged the day before this and it had been positive. We always went to see these friends as a couple, we never saw them separately. This is just how it has always been with those particular friends. Our friend said to me “oh, it’s my birthday and as you guys were not talking I thought I would just invite x”. I knew it was our friend’s birthday but it never crossed my mind that my partner would be with them. I know if I had gone to our friends without my partner, especially without telling her first, it would have made her so sad and angry. I didn’t get to speak to my partner that night on the phone.

At the time I felt so betrayed, Like I had been cheated on by all three of them. I felt they had broken my trust, lied to me by omission and just generally been unkind to me and how I may feel about this. They had all planned a night without me and just kept it a secret between them. I had spoken to our friends 4 days before and they had not mentioned anything, everything was fine when we spoke, laughing and joking as normal but no mention of a party. I had not fallen out with them in any way, just the same as my partner. They knew I was struggling just as my partner was with this situation, I told them so when we spoke. They are also well aware of how hard it has been for me with the grief side of things since mum and dad and the feelings of being so alone.

If I hadn’t of called my partner that night then they would have had this secret between them going forward I feel. A friendship circle with me on the outside. If they had told me beforehand and the reasons why I would have been sad but I would have accepted it and not have needed to have all the worry. That’s what friends would do? Surely what they have done is not what true friends who care about you would do? How were they going to deal with it when we saw them and I asked my friend what she did for her birthday? Lie to me? That can’t be right can it? I told my friend that I hope she enjoys her night then I said good bye and ended the call. At this time I believed it was just the three of them at our friend’s house as I had been told nothing else. I had a terrible night in my head.

The next day I was hoping to receive a message or call from one of them, we all have a group chat. I heard nothing from anyone. I had hoped they would message to apologise or to ask if I was ok but no one did. My partner stayed the night with them and was back around 1pm the next day as I now know. I waited until about 9pm that night and as I had heard nothing from them messaged them all together on the group chat. I told them how sad and disappointed I felt for not being told of their plans and that they had all broken the trust I had in them. I told them this has just made mine and my partners situation much worse as now there is broken trust and secrets involved too and I don’t know where it leaves our friendship.

After I had sent this message I received an apology message from my partner. Her reasoning for going was as we had not spoken for 14 days she believed I did not care about her or what she did. I reminded her that we had spoken by message the day before and I was hoping this was the start of us rebuilding. I also asked her how this would have made her feel if round the other way. She said she would have felt much the same as me. My friend messaged after this to say that it was a party arranged at her mums house with a dj and food and drink and a lot of people. As my partner and I were not talking she thought she would just invite her and not me. She said “sorry you feel like this, you shouldn’t”. My partner had asked our friend to invite me on the group, more than once but she did not. I do not know why she didn’t. I hadn’t done anything to these friends or fallen out with them. I said to our friends that what you could have done was help us reconnect in a neutral and safe environment, with trusted people and with enough space to be apart if needed, the house is massive! What they actually did was drive us further apart and put secrets and lies between us. My mind is so muddled I’m not sure what is right. what do you all think?

Did I cause this and bring this on myself with the silence? Was this my fault for not speaking to my partner for 14 days when she said we were finished? Are our friends wrong for not including me? Or at least not telling me their plans and keeping it secret?

How would you feel in this position? Would you keep the relationship with your friends? Your partner?

My partner and I are now trying to be better for each other and work through it together. So far it has been better. Opinions wanted, good or bad. Thanks.