background:
My bf (25) and I (30) are in a 4-year-relationship and it’s the happiest I’ve ever had. We are strong in communicating, maybe because we have a different way of thinking. He has ADHD and is maybe on the spectrum and I am diagnosed with PTBS and sometimes suffer from depression. I help him to feel and take care of his emotions and he awakens the (very helpful) rational side in me. Our relationship ist mostly open, but closed atm.
facts: 3 months ago I noticed a weight gain as my pants felt smaller. I can’t trust my mirror as I have body dysmorphia from an earlier eating disorder (10 years ago). At this point there was a little hope in me that it was just my illusion. After some weeks I told my partner the issue and he admitted that he noticed it, too. I didn’t change anything in my eating and workout routine, but started a new job and a new medication (lexapro). We are talking about 10 pounds more (Now 5’5" and 127 lbs, size S, not XS anymore).
He is very very strictly in his workout routine and his self esteem is depending a lot on his muscle mass.
problem: my bf struggled telling me that I gained weight and I can understand as this is a very sensitive topic for me, maybe for everyone. I asked if it changes his attraction towards me and he answered he doesn’t know, maybe 5%. He thinks I am super attractive but even more with 10 pounds less. I had a problem with this answer, as I don’t know if I can loose that weight while taking lexapro. Maybe I need to workout really heavily and eat very little to reach and maintain 116 lbs. He also told me last night, that, when we open the realtionship again, he fears sleeping with a skinnier girl and compares her body to mine. And he will be scared to tell me.
For me personally my body is totally okay, I and have no specific goal, there is more of a range, where I really like my body and feel good and healthy. There is nothing worse for my mental health than non acceptance of me or my body. I do workouts as usual and try to eat enough, but tbh my eating disorder thoughts are heavily triggered. And he knows that. I can’t help myself but feel pressured 🙁
Maybe I should accept being a little less attractive for my partner and reduce the risk of an eating disorder episode. Isn’t it normal in open relationships that we think some individual body parts or personality traits are more attractive than our partners?
Or is it even red flag behaviour telling me how my body has to look like to be perfect to him (like all my boyfriends did before)?
>Maybe I need to workout really heavily and eat very little to reach and maintain 116 lbs.
Or maybe he needs to see a therapist about his body image issues instead of taking them out on you. If he can’t handle a 10 pound fluctuation that in no way impacts your health (and in fact arguably puts you a bit closer to normal vs. dangerously skinny), what happens if you’re actually sick and can’t work out for a while? Or you get pregnant? Please go talk to whoever prescribed you the Lexapro about why you think “maybe a teeny tiny eating disorder wouldn’t be so bad” is a reasonable thing to be thinking in response to someone else’s unreasonable expectations regarding your body.
You are a healthy weight. It’s fucked up for him to make you feel insecure over being a healthy weight. 10lbs is nothing visually, women fluctuate 5lbs per day just from water weight.
It sounds like he’s projecting his own body issues onto you. I would close things for now and go to counseling to stabilize your intimacy.
He is not your Prince Charming and if I were you I would walk away. Like it’s not normal to have open relationship, then a normal and think about open it again. Thinking other girl could make him go crazy bwcuase she would be thinner. By the way you fall into healthy category! Don’t even think about lose weight. His perspective is sick, he is so used to your unhealthy appareance, or he likes girls being unhealthy that he doesn’t know his view is not okay.
Respectfully OP this is insane. You’re probably closer to a healthy weight now than before and I fear this is a one way ticket to relapse. He should not be concerned with your weight unless he has reason to be concerned for your health which does not seem apparent at this time as you’re taking steps to get on lexapro to improve your mental health. He is reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself that someone who loves you and does not see you as a piece of meat would not do. I don’t think your relationship is strong enough to be open at the moment if he’s afraid of sleeping with someone skinnier and being unable to compare you to her?
He isn’t concerned with her weight… SHE asked HIM about it. He noticed but kept it to himself until she brought it up… and then tried to downplay it as a non-issue… and failed to.
It’s a mismatch of his literalism communication style versus her hangups being over exactly this issue.
He then proceeded to say he’s afraid to sleep with other girls in case he prefers them. Because of the extra 5 kilos. Did you see that part? That was very obviously a veiled threat to leave her. He just told her the 5 kilos make enough of a difference that he might leave her for another girl.
This is the kind of thing I would break up with someone over . What happens if you have kids? Also, most people don’t go into old age being skinny. That’s just not how this goes. People gain weight as they get older and their metabolism slows and they are no longer able to work out.
I would be very concerned at a person who was upset about 10 pounds.
If you gained 50 pounds then maybe there’s a conversation to be had there but 10 pounds? Fuck him
Your don’t need to lose the weight and it sounds like you don’t know how without relapsing. Don’t go there.
Never let a man tell you how much you should weigh. This isn’t health advice, it’s controlling. If you’re okay then good for you. If he truly doesn’t find you attractive anymore he can leave and you can move on with your life .
These posts always start with how happy and amazing the relationship is. You wouldn’t be here if that’s true.
I would not open the relationship unless yall are wanting to break up!! If the weight doesn’t bother him and he is super attracted to you i don’t understand what the point is in opening up the relationship? with that being said.. i don’t understand being in a relationship with anyone while having sex with other people 😆
anyway… Your mental health comes first .. you also asked the question and he answered…
Perhaps you should really reevaluate the relationship.. I believe you deserve (everyone deserves) a partner that is 100% all about you.. every inch- inside and out..
also- I take a few different medications . Lexapro being one and I also gained weight. You CAN lose weight on lexapro. 💖 You will have to move your body more and adjust your calorie intake though. You’re also at a perfect and healthy weight!! Good luck to you.. I hope you are happy with however this turns out.. You deserve the love you give and the love you want! Don’t forget that!!
He can take his skinny girl and shove her up his a$h$ 🥰
Girl BE YOU and love yourself in every shape and size!
As someone who also had an eating disorder, you shouldn’t be asking those kinds of questions. They are the wrong ones because external validation (positive or negative) doesn’t help you keep a healthy mindset. All kinds of people will have all kinds of opinions and one of them matter, not even your jerk of a bf.
What matters is this, are you a healthy weight (Yes you are!) do you feel good in yourself (you say you do). Your point about the healthy range is bang on and a healthy mindset.
You are however, doing things that are likely to be counterproductive for your mental health. You have a partner that is overly focused on your looks for attraction, hell lbs on a person is hardly that noticeable. It’s maybe a one less biscuit with my coffee kind of weight. Looks are important but at some point, that’s meant to switch to something deeper, where they also want you for your personality, your character, for YOU not just your outer shell.
I also don’t think an open relationship is likely to be something that helps either, they can be very surface/judged on looks type of relationships and you need someone who appreciates you and not just your body.
Everyone’s looks go and everyone’s body will get less attractive as they get older. It’s nature. You need to be with someone who appreciates that and loves you for who you are and not just how you look.
Hearing a man say this(let alone my partner) about me when I am clearly at a healthy weight, would make me so unattracted to him. It screams projection of his own body issues. He wants you to suffer (like he does) to maintain a borderline unhealthy level of body fat. Extreme dieting like that can lead to issues with fertility, bone density loss and heart issues. He *should* know all these things if he is so obsessed with working out and maintaining body image – but he doesn’t care. He needs a therapist. You should not take to heart what he is saying about your healthy weight. He is not mentally well. You should not be concerned with his opinion on women’s bodies when he thinks they should risk their health to look optimal to HIM.
Please… you gained 10 lbs, that is so little. Your weight fluctuates so much. Water, what is in your digestion… it can go up and down so often.
With age, medication, pregnancy or sickness can sometimes come weight gain.
Now the problem is that you have body dysmorphia, reaction strong to those changes and have a partner who feeds your insecurities. Tell you that he is less attractive because of 10lbs or what would happen if he hooks up with a skinnier girl is just shitty. I wonder how much of your issues are actually caused by him? Like do you dislike yourself how you look now? Is everything just about pleasing your bf? You are 4 years together. How much do you put yourself at pressure to be at his skinny taste?
Whatever it is, that he knows you have body dysmorphia and still said it, knowing it would cause you to spiral… nearly as if he wanted to cause this reaction. And autism or whatever is no excuse.