I don’t know where to start but basically I’ve had several toxic and abusive relationships with men in the past. One was particularly severe and lasted for years and damaged me the most. after that relationship, the cycle with this type of men didn’t stop. After the last traumatic experience with a man in July, I decided to stop dating and to REALLY work on my own issues because I noticed that I was subconsciously choosing the wrong men. I focused on fixing my own issues.
Then, recently, I got to know a guy at a college party and we had a fun time, had great and deep convos and really vibed. He wasn’t loud, cocky and arrogant like the men in my past but rather he just had this nice energy and I just felt comfortable being myself around him.
After the party, he texted me that he had an amazing evening with me and he asked me out on a date and he’s been texting me everyday, he genuinely seems curious about me and my life, he enjoys my presence, he is protective of me and transparent.
On our date, we lost track of time, went to several places, cuddled a bit, opened up about our personal lives, kissed and cuddled a lot. I saw sparkles in his eyes when he was looking at me and the connection felt so real and by holding that eye contact I felt really vulnerable and almost easy to hurt. there was a lot of intimacy. He even asked me if I wanted to meet up with him more often since he’d love to.
And I noticed that this really freaks me out. It scares me. I catch myself thinking: ‘am I really attracted to him? maybe i should stop seeing him’ or ‘do I even like him? nah there must be an ick about him’ or ‘no, I’m just imagining that there’s emotional closeness between us’ and this is so counter-intuitive because I REALLY am attracted to him & like him. But since that last day, I feel so much unease and the thought of him just gives me so much anxiety. I’m denying my attraction to him, downplay everything and feel horrified of what might happen next with him.
Why am I having such a reaction to this? why does it scare me so much to like him and to be close to him?
TL;DR – after several toxic relationships, I finally found a guy that treats me well and makes me feel comfortable but it really scares me to be vulnerable with him, to like him and to be emotionally close to him. It freaks me out and scares me and I doubt my feelings.
Because you probably have been emotionally abused in your previous relationship(s), it seems that you are not healed yet and i would suggest you to visit a therapist, and do your own research about emotional abuse and the effects of it.