Me(40F) I am married to my husband (40M) We have one child together and I have 2 from my previous marriage. Our middle daughter (12F) is constantly picking on our son, (4M). My daughter had been asking for a vanity every day for weeks. So, we told her if she could go 2 weeks straight without picking on her brother we would buy it for her. The longest stretch she had was 11 days. So she did not get the vanity. After trying for a few weeks we stopped talking about it and moved on. Fast forward a few months to Christmas time. I asked her to make me a list of what she really wanted. She wrote a Vanity. I knew she had been wanting this forever and now that it’s Christmas she could finally get it. My husband was not happy about this. He said that she should not get the vanity because when we did the challenge months back, she couldn’t be nice for 14 days straight. He thinks I’m showing her that her bad behavior gets rewarded. That thought for me, never crossed my mind. I thought that those were two separate situations. When she didn’t warn the vanity for being nice for 14 days, she did not get it. But now months later it’s Christmas time and she really wants vanity. Is he right that she shouldn’t have gotten it? He didn’t say don’t buy her anything, he said it just can’t be a vanity. This doesn’t make sense to me, should she not get the vanity all because she couldn’t complete a challenge to earn it then, months back? So, Am I the asshole for buying her the Vanity for Christmas?
Your husband is right. There is a serious problem if she can’t go 14 days without being a jerk to her little brother. She should not get to bypass this issue and get what she wants through another means.
YTA.
Yta. You gave her a clear goal, a good one at that, and she failed to meet it. You’re not doing her any favours by caving in. Get her something else for Christmas and stick to your guns.
I think I’d try therapy for your daughter. It sounds like she may be having time adjusting to the baby. I’d only get the vanity for her if she goes to therapy to work on her abusive tendencies towards a toddler. I’d make that clear, because she should not be mean to a preschooler. She’s way too old for that. I would not just ignore this behavior. If you don’t address the root, it will never stop.
Is she being disciplined for her behavior or are you just trying to bribe her out of it with the vanity?
Ywbta. I think you could get her something different. Address the very really problem of your 12 year old bullying a 4 year old and maybe circle back to the vanity later. Giving this to her now tells her that she doesn’t have to respect your 4 year old, she can just wait till Christmas and be rewarded for bad behavior.
Yta – The “challenge” as you put it was to not bully a 4 year old. Your husband is right. If you now give her it, it tells her she can treat people however she likes and mum will eventually just give her what she wants.
If ahe earned it another way, helping round the house, doing well at school etc, it would be different. You gave her the opportunity to earn something, she chose to pick on a toddler instead. Its seems she’s continued to do so and will now get what she wants while continuing to treat her tiny brother badly.
Question-
Picking on your son how exactly? Can you give an example?
YTA You’re teaching her that she can get away with her problematic behaviour, because her mom will buy her what she wants regardless. I truly don’t understand why you can’t see that you’re rewarding bad behaviour and what your daughter will learn from that. Also, did you get her any help?
I think she needs another way to look at herself to figure out why she can’t be nice to her brother.
YTA for giving in, and also for making this about a vanity when you have a bigger problem. NGL, even the challenge was kind of problematic…what would happen on day 15? How about ‘stop this behavior immediately, it is unacceptable’? Instead of ‘oh if you’re nice for 2 weeks we’ll indulge your bullshit behavior.’
Your son is 4 and is being bullied by your daughter, and you’re over here buying her what she wants.
Is she still bullying her brother? (I presume she is since you said she hasn’t “earned” it?) If so YWBTA.
Still get her presents, but NOT the vanity. Father Christmas leaves coal for naughty children and she definitely doesn’t deserve a coveted item when she’s a bully.
YTA. She cant go 14 days without being mean to a 4 year old. She shouldn’t get the prize She would’ve gotten had she passed “the challenge”. Your husband is right here.
Define nice and bullying.
What were your expectations of a 12 year old and how annoying is the 4 year old to their big sister?
Do you go 14 days without shouting at kids or arguing with husband?
YTA
And I don’t think she’s too old for a letter from Santa to say that 12 year olds who bully 4 year olds don’t get Christmas presents. At all. Why aren’t you coming down on her bullying harder? That poor little boy of yours.
How about working on the why the 12 year old is angry