I, (19f) have had to make the decision within the past year to remove myself from my siblings and thus my extended family. A year is a lot to talk about, so I’ll keep it short- just know it wasn’t a decision made lightly. I have three sisters, D (38), H (34), and V (36). Growing up I wasn’t close to D or H, just V. She was around constantly, family events, vacations, etc. When she had a baby a few years back, my parents and I were a huge active part in his life (going over multiple times a week, helping with groceries, etc.) and it was great. In august 2025, V cut my mom off and left my dad and I to “decide.” Now, for a while, I tried to get along with both sides- my mother in despair, witnessing her essentially decompose, and my father livid. However, I had texted her essentially stating “I cant be forced to choose one or the other, you’re harming the people I love the most, and threatening to leave me too.” She responded, I respectfully said I need time, essentially. Easter morning I woke up to every gift we got them on Christmas outside our gate drenched in rain. I found homes for the toys that were for her son, and neither of my parents know what I found. I lost it. For months I had been piecing my mom together, and coping personally. I lost it on V. I sent her a 5-minute voice text about how selfish, ugly, and disappointing she is. I believe I called her an “ugly bitch…” for five minutes I berated her, screamed from how angry she’s made me, etc.
Since then, I’ve personally came to peace with ending my relationships with my family members, but my mom hasn’t. She’s been in and out of the hospital for what is broken heart syndrome. She’s been in heart failure before and there’s a very real chance the heartbreak from losing my sisters could kill her. As much as I am still livid at my sister, and still balancing missing who was once my best friend and biggest role model whilst watching her essentially kill my mother, my parents, and my family. I think I need to contact her. Despite the genuinely horrendous (but true) things I’ve said to her, I am at wits end. I don’t know if telling my sister the state our mom is in would change her mind, or even make her pull her head out of her ass, but is it worth trying? If worst comes to worst, i know my sister (the version of her i grew up with) would’ve wanted to say bye to my mom before she passed, and it’s looking like a real possibility. But i don’t know if thats her anymore. I might have said too much in the voice note, as she hasn’t responded to any of my other texts since then. I don’t know if she would take me seriously.
Added context:
-D, H, and V have cut my mom off
– H has apologized and admitted they’re essentially full of shit and all too grown to be starting “drama”
-D stands for Dick. Shes a dick.
– V has no good reasoning to have cut my mother off, everything she claims has been disproven (although simple common sense dismantles her claims)
– I do not want to rekindle a relationship with her, I’m not even trying to get her to talk to my mom. I’m just hoping messaging her would wake her up in a sense, to stop making decisions/doing actions to harm my mom, and just let us be.
– V and D have been slandering my family’s name since I went off on V- and a small part of my family believes her while the other half knows shes full of shit, H coming out to say they’re liars changed the family’s opinions.
Could endlessly add context so I’ll stop there.
WIBTA if I contacted her to tell her how mom is?
Reaching out once, calmly to say ‘Mom is very sick and may not have much time, I thought you would want the chance to decide what to do with that’ would not make you the asshole, thats just offering information, not forcing a reunion
This. By simply providing the information and not telling her what to do with it, your hands are clean. She can’t cry “I wish I’d known” later. She also can’t accuse you of invalidating her anger, telling her what to do etc.
Send the text with info on what hospital she’s in. Then go no contact block again.
You can try, but whether or not you receive a positive response is honestly 50/50 and you may have to prepare for the possibility that she just doesn’t care (anymore). I have to ask, do you know why she essentially went no contact with your mother?
From what I witnessed, I know what she claimed at first is untrue, I honestly don’t know. I don’t speak to or interact with the people that would know what she says is her reasoning now. It changes every time she gets called out.
At first it was abuse claims until she accidentally called herself out for lying. Last i heard shes claiming neglect, but that wasn’t a reason before she admitted to lying.. so idk. I dont trust it.
I pray to every God there is that one day I know why she did it, but to be honest with you I don’t think she knows why- it was sudden & after a lengthy hospital stay. Personally I think it was a mix of hormones, medicine, and exhaustion, she suddenly cut our mom off after a seemingly normal day with her (my mom and i were at her house every day). Knowing her she probably was too afraid of how she’d look if she backed down from it, so she just kept it up. She was like a second mom to me, so I know her like the back of my hand lol. She’s like that.
Sorry thats wordy.
Tldr: i have no fucking clue* *: but i kind of do?
(Sorry for formatting I’m on mobile)
Sorry your family dynamics suck.
I don’t think you’d be the asshole to send her a text telling her your mother is in the hospital with severe heart problems and she can do what she wants with that information. No blame. just facts. as in:
*”V. Mom is in County Hospital with bad heart condition. She may not make it home. I know we’re no contact and I don’t expect that to change with this news. Do with the information what you will. No need to respond to me.”*
Keep in mind most of your family is NC for whatever reason it sounds like they haven’t changed. Don’t expect V to “pull her head out of her ass”. Sounds like she’s convinced others have their heads similarly situated.
Good luck.
I honestly don’t understand the background to any of this. I suppose there’s a lot of family drama in the past but Vs reaction to whatever mysterious beef she has is so over the top that I don’t know why you would bother having anything to do with her. Don’t contact her unless you want even more drama because it doesn’t seem to have stopped.
ESH
info- what do your sisters claim is the reason they cut off their mom? what was the reason V decided to cut her off from her perspective? What did your mom do or not do?
I have no clue. From what I know about my sister, I think in reality it was a split decision from a slurry of postpartum, medicine (she had gotten out of the hospital that day), and exhaustion. She’s the kind of person (which honestly I value this ab her) who even when she knows she’s wrong, she’ll stand by her actions. Just from past experiences, she’s done this kind of thing before at a much smaller scale, but aside from my logical reasoning, I don’t know what she’s claiming now. At first it was (mental) abuse claims, but she essentially called herself out for lying. I know it’s changed but I dont talk to her or people she talks to, so I don’t know the updated reasoning.
So much of the story missing here that it is hard to tell. Spend time with mom. Stop contacting V.
There is definitely a huge chunk of context missing. Three middle aged adults don’t just cut their mother out of their life for no reason.
To answer the asshole question, no, reaching out just to inform your sister would not make you the asshole. However, I think you need to seriously think about what you said to her and consider if you want to live in a world without her in it, since it sounds like she was a huge influence.
It sounds like there is a huge age gap between you and your sisters. 15 years can make a lot of difference in a person. The mother you have may not be the same one they dealt with. Do you understand everything from both sides, or just your mom’s?
Still not understanding why it happened.
Is sis on drugs, In a cult, cra cra new friend/BF?
YTA – she’s not ‘killing’ your mum & people don’t just cut their mothers off for no reason.
If you don’t understand her reasoning & think she’s horrible then that’s fine, but blaming her for your mothers ill health is incredibly immature.
You haven’t explained what justification she and your other sisters used to cut your mum off and without that insight no one here can make an informed judgement.
My YTA vote is purely for the fact that you’re blaming her killing your mum. Whether you’re also the asshole for not accepting her reasoning or not, who knows.
You claim H has come out to say they lied but from what you wrote all H said was that they are perpetuating drama, not that they lied or even that them cutting your mum off was wrong,