My husband and I are expecting our first baby. We’re very excited, but it’s dampened by the obvious gap in our family, my FIL, who died 2 years ago. My husband is about to become a father, and his role model, his dad, isn’t here. It’s been a really intense few months as we prepare.
I’m 30 weeks along, and we don’t know the baby’s sex. We want to find out when we meet our kid. But I also want us to have a few names ready to go.
The issue is that my husband is insistent that we name the baby after his dad. A name FIL didn’t even like (he felt it was old-fashioned and didn’t suit him. Him not liking his name was like….the 3rd thing I learned about him. He was very vocal about it!)
Husband won’t budge. If it’s a boy, he wants to give him FIL’s exact name, first, middle, and obviously last. If it’s a girl, he’s open to a feminized version (think Thomasin or Johanna, but worse, because those are actual names and there are no feminized versions of FIL’s name). He’s also not open to a similar name (think: Calvin –> Alvin). And, TBH selfishly, ***I don’t like*** FIL’s name, and I have my own family members I’d like to honor with this baby.
I’m open to making FIL’s first name our baby’s middle name, regardless of sex, but my husband is not. It’s first-name or bust, as far as he’s concerned.
He’s told me he will have a very hard time forgiving me if I don’t let him memorialize his dad in this way. I feel like I should just give in, on the condition that I get full naming rights for a 2nd child (assuming we have another), but a part of me is like….NO! I’m cooking this baby, I should have a say!
But he’s also going through it. So WIBTA if I held the line and refused to make FIL’s first name my baby’s first name?
**EDIT:** I’m not going to share the name because I don’t want to be easily identified, but FIL felt like his name gave the wrong impression of him. He considered it an old-fashioned and religious name (he was a staunch athiest). Think: Enoch, Cuthbert, Jethro (all names he jokingly said he’d rather have, if I’m being honest lol)
They always say, baby names are a two-yeses, one-no situation. It’s not cool to announce to your co-parent that there is exactly one acceptable name, period, end of story, no discussion. So you’re NTA. Not sure what you are going to do about it though. I will say it’s weird that he is so set on giving the baby the exact name when FIL himself clearly didn’t like it. Maybe that can be your angle to talk him around?
NTA – naming a baby requires an enthusiastic yes from both parents. If one parent is not happy, that name should be removed from the list.
names are two yes. so as you have said no he had to pick something else.
you don’t have to immortalise someone who’s died with naming. go plant a tree with a plaque or something. this is a new life not a redo for dad.
NTA, and I hate the way he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you. “I’ll have a really hard time forgiving you if you don’t give me what I want”
She should tell him that she’ll have a really hard time staying in a relationship with him if he insists on bullying her into a name she doesn’t like. Names should be a “2 yes, 1 no” agreement.
Its not on one parent to name the baby. Its two yes or its a no.
Middle name is a great way to honor someone.
He may have resentment but you could too. He is making these last few weeks way harder because he is being stubborn
Nta he needs a wake up call.
NTA. The middle name is a great compromise, especially since FIL hated his name. Husband giving you ultimatums is not okay.
I think the best way to attack this is to get into super targeted couples therapy ASAP to discuss this issue. He’ll never forgive you, but you’ll also never forgive him.
Ask him if this is the way your parenthood is going to go — him making the important decisions and essentially telling you take it or leave it. There is no partnership with this man. Do with that what you will, but I would think about the next 18 years of your life.
In the hospital, it is the mother who has just given birth to the child who fills out the name for the birth certificate. Or at least the nurses will honor your request if you state that you want to fill out the paperwork.
I would tell your husband that this is essentially your decision, if he’s not willing to compromise. This is the way the rest of your life will go if you don’t take a stand here.
I had a similar conflict with husband over our last kid. His father had died the year before. MIL got wind of it (not from me), stepped in and said not to name the baby after FIL. FIL was a very broken man and putting a name loaded with that kind of family baggage was not a good idea
Appeal to his mother, unless the grief is still fresh. She can remind him about how much his dad hated the name. Maybe FIL told MIL at some point what name he would have chosen if he could have.
In Jewish tradition we often use names that have the same first initials of still living family members when naming babies. Though your FIL has passed, you could use his dad’s initials and choose names that start with the same letters.
NTA for not wanting the name. This should be a joint decision not a sole decision made by your husband.
“He’s told me he will have a very hard time forgiving me if I don’t let him memorialize his dad in this way”
Oh yeah? I’d have a hard time forgiving him for holding my baby’s Entire name as emotional hostage. The baby already has your Fil’s surname. You made this baby together, you are the one risking life and health growing it- where is the care for you and your opinion? You aren’t trying to impose your own choices or flat out refuse, you are just looking for some attempt at compromise because you do also care about his opinion. I would be so hurt and insulted that this is being met with threats instead of appreciation.
Giving up any input into your own child’s name when a) it is never certain that you’ll have another and b) who knows what close relative of his might require honouring at that stage is risky and really only skates around the core of the problem.
that “hard time forgiving” line is a red flag. you’re not being unreasonable, you’re protecting your voice as a parent. first name = mutual, middle = tribute, end of story.
Your baby is its own person and deserves its own name!
Tell your husband that he is not turning your baby into a memorial. It’s gross.
NTA That’s some selfish, manipulative, uncompromising, egotistical bullshit. So your preferences would not be reflected at all in the baby’s name? You’re not just some (FIL name) incubator. You’re the one doing the heavy lifting here. Your spouse is not the only one who matters here.
Also be careful — I’ve known several mothers who were out of it dealing with birth complications whose spouses took that opportunity to name the baby what they themselves wanted. Of course being able to do that depends on where you live, but FYI.
Edit: I also saw the comment about how you had both had been working on baby names before the pregnancy, then he waited until you were a trimester into the pregnancy to reveal what he really wanted. Yikes. Sounds like he was just pretending.