(Throwaway)
I (19M) have had ups and downs with my “distant” side of the family. I’m very close to my mother’s side of the family, since borrowing my dad, we have no contact whatsoever with my father’s side of the family since they did awful things to both my dad and my mom. Meaning that all of this relates to my mom’s side.
Before Covid, every once or twice a year I’d go visit my great-grandmother, who lives in a small town of 5000 people. In that town I have 2 cousins (15F and 18M) who before Covid I used to hang out with a lot when I’d go to my great-grandmother’s town.
My 18M cousin does live in the town, my 15F one didn’t. However, she did make friendships within the town. Meanwhile, I always stood out since outside of my family I never really made friends in the town. This wasn’t a big problem since I’d usually hang out with them, but once we became a bit older, they began to be with their friends, and I’d just stay at the family house.
At 13, Covid hit, and thus due to obvious reasons we didn’t visit the town in the whole of 2020 and 2021. In 2022 we also didn’t visit, but in 2023 we did go visit my great-grandmother. I went with my grandparents, but I didn’t notify my cousins at all about it, because I’m going to be honest, after almost 3 years of no contact, I felt awkward talking to them again. I also didn’t tell my uncles and aunts, cause I also hadn’t talked to them in 3 years.
However, it appears that they found out about my trip, and they apparently didn’t like that I just chose not to see them. This got even worse in 2025 when I graduated from highschool, where I didn’t invite anyone from my family other than my parents and my grandparents. This also didn’t sit well with them, and my grandmother told me that my extended family had decided to not invite me to my cousin’s one in 2026.
This year, my great-grandmother’s health has been going downhill. She’s 98, quite an old lady, and she has been in constant need of care. I hadn’t spent Christmas with my extended family since I believe 2018, and I hadn’t seen them since 2019. One part of me would like to go, cause I’m not sure if I’ll ever see my great-grandmother ever again, even if we aren’t extremely close, she’s a sweet lady who I’ll always respect and love. On the other hand, I really don’t want to be in an extremely awkward spot, since my extended family and my cousins know that I have been trying to avoid them for these past 5 years for no reason whatsoever, and the worst part is that indeed, I’ve been trying to do so with no particular reason other than because I’d find interacting with them awkward after such a long time.
My parents and grandparents will obviously go, meaning that in case I choose to not go, I’d literally be the only family member missing for no apparent reason. I already told my parents and they said that even if they can’t force me to come now that I’m over 18, they would find it a bit selfish of me to just not show up.
WIBTA?
YTA for your reasoning. You’re going to make things even more awkward than they already are because you’re afraid to confront the awkwardness. Worse, you’re taking this out on your grandmother, with whom you have a good relationship. If you don’t feel like spending the holidays with your grandmother, then don’t, but don’t blame your decision on your cousins. You’re going to needlessly make things awkward with your grandmother and parents.
I mean, is it worth spending Christmas alone and making family situations even more awkward because you don’t want to apologize?
Technically NTA but this feels like you’re about to make the situation worse in an attempt to avoid conflict?
You are 18, hopefully you will have multiple decades left which will be full of family events – are you going to isolate yourself for no reason for the next 70ish years because you made a bad decision as a child?
This isn’t about being an asshole or not. If you will regret not seeing ur great-grandmother before she dies because ur worried it will feel a lil awkward, go. Would u rather regret the rest of ur life not seeing her before she died, or would u rather feel a liittle embarassed for a time while u pay ur respects?
YTA – for the writing of this post and its made up drama. There is not actually issue preventing you from going to see your great-grandmother during the holidays from what I can tell…
Yes, YTA. “I’d feel extremely awkward with other members of my family” is not an excuse not to see someone for the last time. Your love and respect for your great-grandmother seems to be more on paper than a real thing.
Go, even if you don’t stay long, don’t let their grudges or past get in the way of seeing her, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
I am someone who has a complicated and volatile relationship with one side of my family so I won’t say you’d be the asshole but I do suspect you would have regrets as you get older and look back over missing the last Christmas you could have with her. I think avoiding those future you regrets is worth dealing with the awkwardness the one time personally.
YTA. First, I do not understand the “borrowing my Dad” part. Second, any awkwardness you will feel is being created by you. Family is family and it does not matter how long it has been since the last time you saw them. Go and start interacting as though you just saw everyone last week. You are the one creating an issue where there is not one. Your great-grandmother will more than welcome you.
YTA, This could be your great grand mother’s possible final Christmas and not going to that important even purely because you have made things awkward with your cousins is a bad and sad. You’re only going to make your relationship with your extended family worse just because things are awkward between you and your cousins. Please go for your great grandma
Soft YTA. I get that’s it’s awkward and it feels easier to just avoid them. But please don’t let that stop you seeing your great grandmother!
Have you heard from your cousins that they are particularly annoyed with you, or is that second-hand info? This kind of gossiping makes family relationships so much harder!
Tbh if I was your cousin I’d be hurt if you visited my town without telling me – maybe they just miss you?
Obviously they could’ve reached out to you, but if you’re the older one maybe they feel awkward about doing that. Why not send them a message just to say you’re sorry you haven’t been in touch and you’re going to visit your great grandmother this year. Or you can just dry dog it and accept that it might be awkward if you run into them! But please don’t let this stop you seeing an elderly relative
>I’ve been trying to do so with no particular reason other than because I’d find interacting with them awkward after such a long time.
Even if you’d find interacting with them awkward after such a long time, you should go. Go visit your great-grandma. I agree with your parents.
YTA
Time to put your big boy pants on. Life is **full** of discomfort. We don’t allow kids to feel discomfort anymore so when they grow up and enter the real world (like you) they don’t know how to handle it so they run and hide. This will not work long term. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with an awkward situation, it’s a simple fact of life. You will regret not visiting your great grandmother when you’re older too.
THIS. I have a nephew that lived with me while going to university for a year. He never said goodbye when leaving the house or hello when he came home, now I know my nephew very well, I know he was doing this because he found it awkward to say those things (because he didn’t get good home training, his parents are very selfish narcissistic types, yes I am talking about my brother, I love him, but I can be realistic about who he is) and ya know, I knew why he wasn’t saying it, but it’s still resulted in me seeing my own nephew as kinda of an AH.. that’s just how it goes… you continuously try to avoid awkward situations, people will eventually see you as a selfish AH, because it really is a selfish AH move to prioritize your own comfort over basic consideration for others.
Avoidance is not a valuable life skill.
You decide what’s worse: the regret of not going or the discomfort of being around the people you have shunned. You would be going to see your great grandmother. This is about her – not your self-inflicted social problems.
YTA