33F here. My mother and I haven’t had the best relationship for the past 20 years. She’s an alcoholic, sometimes getting pretty mean, at her worst it has gotten physical. She’s very opinionated and abrasive when she’s sober. I moved out pretty much as soon as I could and I’ve done well for myself.
Last year, we had a bit of a tiff and that led to a cutting of ties. While she was 1/4 of a bottle in, she claimed that I didn’t make an effort to have a relationship and that all I ever wanted from her was money. Which is honestly laughable, I got a job when I was 14 because she wouldn’t buy me school clothes and I waited tables and bartended full time through college and had a lot of help from scholarships. She drives past my apartment several times a month, but never stops by or takes me up on my offer to have lunch. I had already told her earlier in the year that I wanted to talk it out and see if we could fix our relationship, I reiterated that again, but she needs to be willing to take some accountability. Her response was ultimately that I wasn’t perfect either and that she didn’t see us having a relationship. So I said fine, but I want nothing from you. I specifically said I didn’t want any gifts for holidays or occasions.
Well I just got one.
And honestly, I want to return it and stick to my word. I think it’s also worth pointing out that she returned a gift I sent two years ago. But I feel like I’ll be an AH if I do, I know that despite her behavior she does care and her feelings will be hurt. She will never forgive me for it. So, WIBTAH if I left it on her doorstep with a note reminding her of what I said?
YWBTAH. Just accept the gift and continue trying to work on the relationship. Obviously your mom is not in a good place to have a normal relationship, maybe sending a gift is all she can do
You won’t be an asshole but you’ll be giving her the exact attention she is seeking. Continue to remain NC and trash or donate anything she tries to give you. Do not engage.
This is better advice and Ive editted my own comment because you are totally right.
She’s looking for a response. Don’t say anything and just throw it away or donate it.
You would not be the AH ….however if you want to continue to be NC with her you need to not acknowledge the gift. If you in all honesty do not want it, donate it . Let someone else get use out of it. If and when she enquires you can then tell her exactly what you did with it because you want absolutely nothing from her.
This seems to be the right move, and the consensus thus far. Thanks.
I hope it all works out for you. Have you considered therapy ? It might be good for your soul…….as the ex spouse of an alcoholic I went to therapy when the marriage ended just so I could re establish myself as my own person and not the extension of someone else.
NTA.
I hate to say it, but return it. You were the child, her the mother. Her saying you “werent perfect either” is a disgrace after what she’s put you through.
Im no contact with my mother. It was damn hard, but it got easier and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.
You did everything you could, but there can be no way forward if she refuses to accept responsibility and not only apologize, but do better.
Im sorry OP, I truly am. Make sure to reach out to a professional for some support during this awful transition.
Edit to add: I think another commenter has a better idea. Do not engage and do not return the gift. Donate it.
Yeah, I’m seeking out a therapist again. Honestly my life has been so much better with her not in it. But not once in my life have I ever heard her apologize.
I’m sorry you went through something similar, but I’m glad you’re in a better place.
I think I will just find a new home for it, returning it might just stir up a lot of drama that I don’t want to deal with.
Thanks for your kind words.
It does get better. Hang in there! I have amazing in-laws and a chosen family of great friends. Best of luck OP!
NTA, but what’s the long term plan?
If it’s to be NC either donate it or bin it. Stay NC.
If it’s LC return it but write a note to say why your returning it.
WIBTAH – its gift. Just enjoy it, she gave it fully aware of state of your relationship and without any strings attached. Not accepting it would be cruel, do you really need to completely burn bridges?
I dont think you want to do this to your biological parent, At least I wouldnt want and I speak as person who has very strained relationship with father. We talk few times in year and often it leads to us arguing. And I would never do something like that.
Don’t return it – donate it.
Don’t say or do anything – this will be the last thing she’s expecting and will help you create a healthy peaceful boundary for yourself.
The gift is means nothing when she deflects and blames her child for her shitty abusive parenting. Only after she takes honest accountability for her actions and consistently shows remorse will a relationship be possible. She’s playing a weird delusional game – you don’t need to participate.
Protect your peace.
YWNBTAH