My brother in law and I are very different people and do NOT get along.
(I have a feeling that some of you are going to ask why. Skip if you don’t want to read about previous drama. BIL expects people to glide around him and service him. We would visit my in laws, he would turn to his mother and say accusingly, "I have no more clean underwear." When we were poor and would split the price of a pizza between the three of us, he literally said "I deserve half the pizza because you have each other to cook." He would leave trash everywhere to the point where you could easily find out where he was, like tracks. He is sensitive to light and I can’t see very well in the dark so guess what, we turned off all the lights and I get bumps and bruises in the night. He would agree to go to my birthday dinner in 2025 2022 and 2018, and then cancel because "he doesn’t feel like it" or he "just ate" even though we made reservations. When he goes on trips, his girlfriend has to pack for him. He was "massaging" another girl when his girlfriend was away…. I could write a book. While I have no illusion that his relationship with his mother and his girlfriend are not for me to judge, I admit that witnessing these events makes me not like him).
We have a giant family trip coming up. My MIL is planning it and got three cottages, each sleeps 4-7 people. I spent the night rolling back and forth wishing that I could be chill enough to be okay living with him and his lovely girlfriend for 8 days. Alas the stick up my ass is so far up there that I cannot get it out.
I brought this up to my husband (together 18 years) and he is clearly upset (he loves his brother). And, he tried to level with me about how this will hurt his family when they hear yet again that I don’t like BIL. I tried to remind him that all the times we lived together before, there was ALWAYS drama. So now he thinks that both options are bad (asking my MIL to keep us in separate houses OR we end up together and there is drama). There is a percent chance where we don’t get assigned together, too.
WIBTA if we asked his mother if we could live in separate houses?
Your husband doesn’t recognize his brother is spoiled and not an adult?
Is there someone else in the family you want to live with on vacation? Maybe tell MIL who you would like to stay with instead of who you don’t.
>While I have no illusion that his relationship with his mother and his girlfriend are not for me to judge
Oh, they’re judgement-worthy. I’m surprised he has a girlfriend that will put up with it.
>my husband (together 18 years) .. is clearly upset
>this will hurt his family when they hear yet again that I don’t like BIL
Unfortunately you’re married to an enabler, and his enabling family. No one sees your side of the story, and worse, your husband may even stay in a separate cabin than you.
Honestly, this must be horrific being gaslighted by literally everyone, with zero support from your husband of 18 years *who should by this point see your side of things*. He can still love his brother, but he should also be able to recognize the bad as well.
If you end up in separate cabins from your husband as well, I’d ditch the event. It’s not just about them. You matter.
NTA
I would talk to MIL but blame it on you.I know BIL has sensitivity to light and I of course want to respect that. Might be best to put me in a different cabin because I struggle in dim lighting and will need to turn the lights on.”
Wait, that is brilliant… I’ll try and get back. My partner might say that it’s too indirect for his relationship with his mom.
Not if he *informs* her of the trade instead of asking for permission.
First, contact the family member(s) you want to switch with, get that arranged between the two of you first.
*Then* he calls his mom. And he keeps the convo casual, treating this like the nothing-burger it truly is. It’s like when a toddler falls down, isn’t even physically hurt, but then looks up at you for cues on how to feel and react. If you react with worry and fear, they for sure will start to wail. But if you act casual? There’s a decent chance they’ll just dust themselves off and move on from it. *That’s* the vibe he needs to curate here. He doesn’t act scared of her reaction, instantly justifying and over-explaining himself, acting like he’s done something wrong and essentially begging for her forgiveness/approval. No. He acts confident and casual, like her permission and approval isn’t required, because…it really isn’t. Two adult families can decide to trade rooms/cabins between themselves if they want, it’s not an earth shattering event.
So he says to her (and says it as a statement, not like it’s a question) “Hi mom, how are things? Oh, hey, so just a head’s up that we’ve switched up the cabin assignments. OP and I will be in Cabin B with <other family member(s)>, and <other family member(s)> will be in Cabin A with BIL. BIL needs low lighting and OP needs the exact opposite, so it just made sense to switch. Anyway, so how’s <insert casual subject change>?”
Now, this plan assumes that other family is willing to trade with you. If MIL is so insistent on you guys being with BIL because no one else will go if they have to be, then this strategy won’t work.
“…..and I wouldn’t want damage anything in the Airbnb or have to go to the emergency room because of falling over from not being able to see where I am going.”
Just adding a bit!
This is pretty easy to me. Tell your husband you’re not going. They all seem to be enablers, including your husband.
I gotta ask – did you retort back to him that he should be washing his own clothes? Why does his mother wash his clothes?
I should have… In the more recent years, I’ve been saying things like, “do you always ignore your gf when she calls your name?”
The problem is that I love the rest of his family, they are wonderful people although yes, also enablers…
It’s so beyond the pale that he told her he didn’t have any clean underwear 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️😬😬😬 Is this like arrested development or something? 😆
I don’t know how you stand being around him 😆😬
I grit my teeth a lot and try to get it over with ASAP. More evidence for ya, he would stand on the toilet seat to take a shit, break the seat AND leave the shit spray for someone else to clean.
I’d make him clean up his shit and if he didn’t, I’d make up a sign that BiL broke the toilet seat and shat everywhere. I would tape it to the bathroom door. If that didn’t correct the problem, then I’d ask him at whichever meal has the most people to clean up his shit and replace the seat.
It’s not necessary to grit your teeth over stuff like this. Speak up whenever the rotten BiL behaviour occurs.
NTA. Family vacations are not vacations, full stop. Why people insist on wasting their precious PTO time and limited money to torture themselves by spending a week in close quarters with people they have to grit their teeth to tolerate for 1-2 days at Christmas and Thanksgiving is beyond me. Go take a real vacation without these losers.
The healthiest is to ask your MIL to be in a separated cottage from your BIL; if your MIL wants to keep the peace. Otherwise, this trip is doomed before it starts