Hello reddit, this is my first big post like this. This just happened like 3 minutes ago and I am fuming. I (17m white) recently became friends with this boy at my school at the beginning of the school year. We used to live in the same apartment complex before I moved to a house, so we would walk the same way. He was more outgoing and, not thuggish but kinda, hard to explain.
Anyway, we became friends, and I thought things were going well, we even hung out Friday night to go to walk around downtown, which I never do because I have social anxiety, and all of my other friends are always busy. Tonight, he called me as I’m scrolling through Tik Tok, and I ask him what he wants in a joking tone. He says "I know your ass on tik Tok, look at the ones I send you" I say "no I’m not lol" he then says, "the light is green on your profile, look at the tik toks N-Word."
I freeze, and go silent. I ask him to repeat what he said, giving him an out, and hoping I heard him wrong. He said it again, with a little more annunciation on the ‘N’. I hung up, but he called me back and I answered and he dead ass asked me what’s wrong. I told him he said the n-word, and hung up again. Now, I’m ignoring his texts, and his calls. I’m wondering if I should just full on block him on everything, or if I should explain why I’m not his friend anymore. I will not be giving him a second chance, as that is not ok in any way.
I should reiterate, we are both White, not mixed or anything. Full white. I don’t know why he would be comfortable with saying that at all. I am furious, and shaking, and so pissed at him. We are seniors in highschool for fucks sake. I’m going to have to see him at school, and avoid him on my walk home from school on Red Days. (Our school schedule is in blocks. Classes 1-4 on red, 5-8 on blue. We both don’t have 4th periods, and get to leave early.)
So, would I be the asshole if I full on blocked him with no explanation, or should I explain what he did was wrong, that I don’t put up with that, and then block him?
There’s never going to be anything wrong with disassociating from racism. NTA.
NTA leave him. He knows it’s wrong he doesn’t need an explanation. Just block. Don’t waste your energy. He’s doing it on purpose.
Not only are you NTA, you are a mensch of good moral character. You don’t need to explain anything beyond what you’ve already told him; he knows.
Thank you for being you.
Racism is about intent more than language, despite what some corners of the internet insist. Do you think he genuinely hates black people or he’s just saying some stupid shit?
I grew up in a really multicultural part of Australia and we’d (Asian, white, Arab) all make racist jokes to each other. We’d even play Asian Vs. Everyone footy. We grew out of making those kinds of jokes as we got older but the point is none of us ever got offended by the language because we were all good friends and there was nothing intentionally mean. So, it comes down what you think is in your friend’s heart, not solely what comes out of his mouth.
Lol children.
Im sure a lot of people in your life will make you feel like youre overreacting or being unreasonable. Youre not.
You have integrity, and it sucks how rare that is that youre here questioning yourself.
NTA.
Really really hope you can internalize that fact.
NTA. I think if you don’t block him, there is going to be a moment not long down the road where he says or does something else that will make you think, “damn, I should have just blocked him when he said that thing.” Spare yourself the 20/20 hindsight.
Maybe he’s a dyed in the wool racist or maybe he’s a relentless edgelord who thinks it’s funny to be racist “ironically,” but whatever is going on, sticking around and finding out is going to be an unpleasant experience with no upside. The only potential good outcome here is the scenario in which you breaking away from him will be the wake up call he needs to knock this shit off. Whatever he’s doing here, he’s not being a good friend.
Good on you for calling out and feel uncomfortable either way another white person using a slur. If you have to talk to him about it, make sure you point out how weird it is that he is talking like that. But people that talk like that generally don’t take criticism. It’s unfortunately very normalized between people that use it. NTA.
I don’t think you need to explain anything, since you already made clear how you felt about the word. NTA for just blocking him.
NTA just block him. Don’t feel bad, don’t explain
NTA. I would tell him why you don’t want to speak to him again, for two reasons. 1. He can’t claim you ghosted him for no reason, and 2. In the incredibly unlikely scenario that he doesn’t know or understand what he did, he will learn. Either way, he’ll know directly that using that language will cost him friendships. You don’t need to have a conversation with him. Just text or something, saying “You used the N-word and I don’t associate with racists”, then block him. Don’t give him a chance to explain. If he tries to approach you at school, walk away. If you have classes together anytime he tries to bring up this or any other topic unrelated to the class work, zone out while he’s talking and when he’s finished speaking just start talking about Shakespeare or protein strands or whatever class was about.
If you act like he didn’t do anything wrong, he could feel emboldened to take it farther. Racist don’t deserve to be accepted.
NTA
You have two options. Block him and move on. Or you can discuss it with him and let him know that what he said is unacceptable. Help him learn to become a better person.
You are both young and still learning who you are. Have a think about his friendship and what it meant to you. Is it worth putting in the effort to help him grow? If not block him and move on with your life. Either way you are not the asshole
NTA
You know how your parents always go on and on about social rules and manners and it never made sense to you, but you understood the basic concept of “If I behave a certain way, people will conclude that I’m not someone who respects others”?
Yeah. That’s what your friend needs to learn. And this comment is less for you and moreso for the grow ass adults that are going to see this post and try to convince you that you’re overreacting or are too sensitive. Manners isn’t anything new, but people like pretending it is the second it concerns something or some people they don’t respect.