My cousin Kennedy 28f is getting married in September and I’m starting to rethink being her bridesmaid.
For context my cousin and I used to be super close, we’d have sleepovers go to bars, everything that normal friends do, it just so happens that were also related.
However in the past couple years we have drifted. My husband doesn’t like her because he thinks she is fake and only cares about superficial things and Ive started to see what he means. Many times when Ive hung out with her I’ve felt worse, she emotionally manipulates me, talks down to me, and doesn’t show too much respect either. For example (and theres many others) she went to a bar with her friends and didn’t tell me she was going. Then late at night (like 2am) she calls and needs me to pick her up because Ubers were too expensive. Even though I was fast asleep when she called I still went out and picked her up because thats what friends do. However after I picked Kennedy and her friends up, they said offhandedly “well it was always the plan that you’d pick us up.” I guess it was Kennedys plan all along but I want privy to it at all. she just knew I wouldn’t say no if it seemed like an emergency.
Well, Kennedy just asked me to be her bridesmaid and she expects A LOT. Like wanting a boat party, bachelorette party, bridal party etc. all these things are not only expensive but it’s super hard to get the time off of work. Reason being is that 1. Im a restaurant manager and it’s nearly impossible to get anyone to cover my shifts and 2. Ive already requested off some time because my best friend, Kaitlyn 24f, is getting married in May, and Ive been planning to go to her wedding for a couple months now. Upon hearing that Kaitlyn is getting married Kennedy became both jealous and frustrated because she felt like I was choosing Kaitlyn over her. It’s not even true, I just already had plans in place for Kaitlyn’s wedding. Also I have financial responsibilities like paying for my condo and I’m not really in the place for big expenses and I really want to advance in my career (maybe become GM at some point) and calling in sick numerous times like Kennedy suggested would be *highly* frowned upon.
Right before work she texted me a whole paragraph saying that Im not there for her and that i don’t care, and again I just feel like she’s trying to emotionally manipulate me. I don’t want to let her down and tell her I can’t be a bridesmaid because I think she’d be bitter for the rest of our lives, i dont want my family to perceive me as selfish, and because at the end of the day she’s family. If this were just a friend I’d have an easier time letting her down.
But I think this whole thing is going to cause me stress and a couple people have advised me to politely decline her ask to be a bridesmaid.
So, Reddit, would I be the asshole if I decide that I don’t want to be a bridesmaid for my cousin?
As someone who told their cousin I cannot stand up in your wedding due to it being the weekend during college finals (and my inability to perform other duties leading up to the wedding), there was a fracture in the family over it. I also moved away after college and only visited home 2x a year for post grad work. So I only saw this cousin on Christmas Day. Not exactly fun but many years later I am not super close with that part of the family.
However, you know your cousin the best. If the current list of asks while being a bridesmaid seems too stressful now, just imagine being in the thick of it and cousin demanding that you are not 💯 devoted to all of her needs. Gush how excited you are for her upcoming wedding but tell her you cannot be a bridesmaid. Don’t say why, just say no. If you had time and are inclined to pitch in at some point, great, but her wedding isn’t worth your health and finances talk by a hit.
Edited: typo
YTA You already said yes. No way I’d break a commitment with a cousin.
NTA
It’s bridesmaid, not kidney donor.
Kidney donor would be cheaper for OP
NTA but you could tell her “I’d love to be your bridesmaid but I can’t commit to anything other than being at your actual wedding”. Just be honest with her “I can commit to be there for your wedding but don’t have the time or resources to participate in all the activities you’ve planned”. Nothing wrong with being straight up honest.
NTA. You have every right to resign, especially now that you think that she is exploiting you.
I would still say no to being her bridesmaid and I don’t think you’re the asshole. If she was truly kind then she should understand where you were coming from.
I’m so sorry. It’s just not in the budget at this time or this year. That’s all. Answer no questions regarding details. Wish her well and tell her you’ll see her at the ceremony. It surely won’t be a surprise when she berates you and disinvites you.
NTA
Just nicely tell her that you don’t feel that you would be very good bridesmaid as it would be so difficult to do all the requirements without it causing a problem with your job. Tell her you feel horrible. It’s all your fault. Say whatever you want to make it seem like it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s really a jerk.
NTA September is a long ways away and it sounds like being a bridesmaid isn’t doable for you financially or emotionally. If you let her know now so she can find someone else, that would be totally fair. If she and your family get mad, then they get mad.
There is nothing wrong with politely declining to be a bridesmaid. Particularly if you cannot get the time off that is needed to participate in everything that is required. Politely decline.
Step back now so she has time to replace you. You aren’t able to guarantee your participation at the level she requires. Given her recent behavior, she would no doubt expect you to do the things that the other bridesmaids don’t want to do. It has nothing to do with your other friend’s wedding. You’re an adult with a job. You have limited time off and limited resources. NTA
I’ve never understood the “it’s family” reasoning for why a relationship should exist, especially when it is entirely one sided or toxic etc, so maybe I’m not the best person to respond… but you initially said she was a friend you just happened to be related to, so under that premise – a real friend would understand the financial and time commitment being asked is not one everyone is capable of fulfilling. A real friend would try to work with you or would be disappointed but would understand why you have to pull out. A real friend would just want you to celebrate with them, not demand excessive shit all about them. A real friend wouldn’t try and guilt you.
Do with that what you will
NTA