Hi Reddit,
This is my first real post, so please go easy me :’)
I, 33M, do not want to attend, my brother (we’ll call him Frank), 31M’s, wedding.
I have set a very clear boundary with my family about my non-attendance, and the boundary was mostly respected until recently. So WIBTA if I kept my boundary and refused to attend?
Our birth mother (we’ll call her Daisy) desperately wants us to get along, and at least be "civil". Daisy has begged me for months through tears and sop stories to attend Frank’s wedding. I have refused and told Daisy on multiple occasions to respect my non-attendance as my boundary, because I do not want a relationship with my Frank, as I am NC permanently with Frank, and I intend for it to stay that way. Our family is manipulative, and there is severe inter-generational trauma at work.
My biggest interpersonal conflict about this has been caused by the the magnum opus of manipulation from everyone involved:
I was asked, due to nobody else wanting to take responsibility (4 other family members "refused" responsibility) to attend Frank’s wedding and deliver our sick grandfather (we’ll call him Bob) to said wedding. Bob lives in the same town as me but we would be driving 8-9 hours from where we live. I have already agreed to deliver him to the wedding, due to Bob’s situation but I refuse to attend Frank’s wedding as a guest.
Bob is very sick, and Bob has had his license cancelled as he has been diagnosed with a slow-moving terminal medical condition (D\*\*\*\*\*\*a), but he is already on the precipice of going into permanent care. I have agreed to drive Bob to the wedding, and I will be on call to pick Bob up in the event that Bob’s behaviour becomes "difficult", so I can drive him back to the town that we live in.
So AITA/WITBA for enforcing my boundary, standing my ground and not attending Frank’s wedding with Bob?
Happy to provide any additional context if people have questions or are undecided after reading. But I tried to keep the text short and sharp, as I am neurodivergent, and I tend to go off-topic.
TLDR;
I think my brother is an AH and I do not want to attend his wedding, even though I am delivering our terminally ill grandfather to the wedding, WIBTA?
NTA but the Bob situation is a Trojan horse to get you to “might as well stay, you’re already here”
That is very true, I am planning to visit friends in that town after delivering Bob so I am distracted
NTA. You don’t have to go. You don’t even have to drop off Bob. But suggest to someone who will go and is responsible (if such a person exists in this situation) that Bob needs a paid carer for the event so he’ll be looked after. Otherwise he’ll be stuck at this wedding while possibly not knowing what the hell is going on.
ETA, so sorry, I just read more carefully and saw you would be driving Bob for the 8-9 hours to get to the event to begin with. Is this the best situation for him, being in a car for this long of a time? It’s kind of you to want to make sure he can attend, but it is a lot traveling with someone who has memory issues.
As you said before, since your family is manipulative, you don’t have to go. NTA
NTA
You are being kind enough to drive 8-9 hours to drop your sick grandfather off at your brother’s wedding, which is amazing. You obviously have perfectly valid reasons not to attend his wedding, and your family should accept that and leave you be. Wishing you healing and sending hugs 🙂
NTA for standing by your already clearly communicated boundary.
Given the fact that your family is manipulative, it may be worth suggesting that Grandpa stay overnight with folks closer to the wedding location so you don’t have to drive him. I’m guessing they will try to guilt you into staying since you’re already at the venue.
Alternatively, see if your friend can ride to the venue with you and Grandpa so it’s really obvious you cannot (will not) stay for the wedding. It’s a bit inconvenient/out of the way, but sometimes family is less likely to act a fool if there are outsiders present.
Yeah man, unless you’re able to get into more details, there’s no way to rule on this.
Asking you to bring your grandfather seems like an imposition at first glance, but does anyone else live in the area that you two do? Is it manipulation to ask you to bring him, or is it just the easiest way for an elderly man with dementia (why did you censor this? very odd) to safely get across country to the family wedding? It takes you 8-9 hours to drive there. How long would it have taken anyone else to come to your town and then drive an additional 8-9 hours to get to the wedding?
Your a good Grandson 🍀
NTA. Sounds like they want you there to watch and take care of Bob.
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NTA. Let me repeat, slowly, “it’s an invitation, not a summons.” And you’re a saint for agreeing to take your sick grandfather to said event.
NTA. You are going well beyond expectations by agreeing to drive a very sick elderly dementia patient 8-9 hours (why do they insist on torturing him by this)?
No doubt they want YOU to attend as his caregiver. Not because they particularly care about you.
Frankly, why not cancel and tell Bob he actually attended? Only kidding. I am 74 myself and starting to have little memory glitches.
But seriously: this is too long of a trip for him.
Not being mean, but how far as his Dementia progressed, and who is taking care of him already?
NTA. Good job standing firm. Also, it’s very kind of you to be accommodating to Bob, his needs and his desire to attend.