8 weeks ago, my (F32) MIL (F60s) passed away very suddenly, while the family was visiting her/their home country. As soon as we heard she was sick, my husband (M33) and I flew to the family (we were at the tail-end of our own vacation) and spent 11 days with them, first in hospital where she passed, and then 7 days in an Airbnb while we tried to figure out arrangements. We flew home, then flew back out for her funeral a few weeks later.
Spending the holidays with my in-laws isn’t a question. We’ve always spent Christmas with them (we’ve been together for 10 years) and although New Years is usually time my husband and I spend together, we quickly decided that we should spend it with them as well. The holidays aren’t a question: but the total amount of time is.
My husband wants to and plans to spend the 23rd – Jan 2nd with his family. That is fine and makes sense. But I don’t want to spend another 10 days away from home. I miss my family, I’m burnt out from being away from home, and they’re a small, tight-knit family that is (understandably) even tighter after losing MIL; I’m the only odd-man-out, and it can feel isolating even when we’re not all grieving.
I want to go home on Boxing Day, spend some time alone and visiting my family (\~2 hours away), and then come back to my in-laws on NYE. My husband was first OK with this plan, but last night said he’s sad I won’t be with them the whole time days. And he keeps forgetting the plan, so I have to keep reminding him that I won’t be there the whole time.
I feel insane. I keep reading about how people are more likely to divorce after the death of a parent, and I’m so panicked about doing something wrong in this period and losing my marriage. But I’m also so drained. So WIBTA if I didn’t spend the whole Christmas to New Years time with my husband and in-laws?
EDIT FOR CLARITY: The plan has been for me to spend the day before Christmas Eve through Boxing Day (the day after Christmas) with my in-laws, go home for a few days, then return for NYE through the day after NYD with them. Any time away from my husband and in-laws would be the 27th-30th.
YWNBTA. this is a very reasonable compromise considering you were just there helping them with arrangements not long ago, and you are still spending most of the holiday (Christmas day) with them. It’s a difficult time for your husband, but you also have your own needs too, and you have to refill your own cup to continue to be emotionally available for him.
YWNBTA to me but I am not your husband and it really doesn’t matter what I think. If you are worried about your marriage you need to talk to your husband.
NTA. You should be able to see your family too. It’s a nice compromise you are offering. And you aren’t asking your husband to join you to see your family. You’re being very considerate.
Idk friend, I feel like your spouse losing their mother 2 months ago is the time when you suck up discomfort and stick to their side.
Its a lot, and it’s not a relaxing vacation for you but… you’re supposed to be their rock.
I feel YWBTA
I didn’t notice it had only been 2 months. This is all still super fresh.
I lost my Mom. This – you asking to go home and be with your family after spending time with your in-laws is not a big ask. I would have told my husband to go and appreciate that I am allowed to be with my family through the firsts without Mom. Your husband keeps forgetting because he’s grieving. Just love him and remind him you are a phone call away and will be back. You can’t live afraid that doing something wrong during this fragile time could lead to divorce, I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings- I’m just trying to say you should not forfeit yourself out of fear. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother-in-law.
NAH – Is it possible to play it by ear and see how your husband is doing after 3 days? If he’s handling it okay, float the idea of going back home on Boxing Day as you would prefer. He’s probably anxious, and once he’s there, it will be easier to assess the whole dynamic.
NAH.
You’re burnt out. He’s grieving.
You can’t be there for someone if you’re wrecked yourself. Just communicate as best you can.
YTA. You aren’t really looking at this the right way. The real question is: WIBTA if I don’t support/stay with my husband during the holidays after he suddenly and recently lost his mother?
And yes, you would. Support him. He needs you more than you need time alone right now. You can take that after the holidays. It’s not just that your FIL lost his wife, your husband lost his mother. That’s a big deal, and frankly even if he seems ok with it now, that’s the sort of lack of support that in the future could be the start of the end of your marriage. He is grieving and that should take precedence over you being tired of being away from home.
Agree. I get she’s burnt out but I’m betting so is he.
I lost my dad around the same age as your husband. It was also unexpectedly fast and happened within a couple of months. My partner doesn’t even speak my language but he was with me all the time and that made such a big difference for me. I don’t think his i would’ve felt if he wasn’t there for/with me. There are times you can take a break and bow out of a family vacation or a wedding or something. Losing a parent isn’t that. Your family will understand skipping a year. Your spouse lost a parent. You should read about how big a burden that is and how best to support him.
I think YWBTA.
I will also add: your title is wrong and that also tells me that YWTA. What you’re really asking is if YWTA for leaving your grieving husband, who very recently lost his mom, during the holidays to relax on your own.
I feel like its might be draining on you but this is sort of the stuff u suck up at pivotal points in a marriage. If this happened to me and i told my spouse this is what i needed, i would feel let down if he left. This is a situation in which your family is intact and his is not. As an introvert, i can empathize that it is a along amount of time but also this might come back to bite you and if that happens he would have a valid reason. Its just an all around sucky situation but this is what they mean when they say choose your partner wisely because they will be the person you choose to be with you when your parents pass.
Does this mean you haven’t gotten to spend Christmas with your own family in over 10 years? That’s crazy