I (21F) don’t work or study currently. I feel as though my parents are one of the reasons as they enabled this behaviour and let me live under their roof. But it’s also mental health issues that I’m receiving treatment for. My native country is the only place I have extended family. My immediate family and I have visited twice last year, and coming back I had the most intense depressive episodes. My native country and being surrounded by family (something I don’t get to experience here) makes me feel amazing and like there’s never a dull moment. Ok, maybe it’s just because it’s vacation but when I come back it’s going back into a dark place.
I have just come back from the second visit and I’m pretty firm in my decision to want to go there and do something for myself. Last time after the last visit I thought this I came to the conclusion it was pretty Illogical. There’s a multitude of cons like potentially straining family relations (because technically I’m a guest). And the living situation would be quite dire. However I am simply not happy where I live and don’t want to be idle and a waste of space no longer. My parents say I’m being selfish for wanting to leave them and they will worry if I’m being taken care of. They say my extended family are quite tight with money and wouldn’t take care of me how they have. I realise I will have to support myself. My parents say they want me to wait till my brother’s education is complete so we can all move there ( something they’ve been inconsistently considering). But I can’t take that risk and waste even more time.I also think it’s selfish for them to say that to me when I’m so miserable here. My parents would have to financially support me as a jumpstart before I get on my feet there. But to me it also feels like I’m betraying them for supporting me all these years. So WIBTA ?
I assume you have citizenship still in your native country and that you know the language so working there would be a possibility, right? Why not give it a try for 6 months.
YWNBTA
INFO: what does your extended family think?
If they know about your plan, are willing to temporarily host you and you are willing to pitch in however you can to lessen their burden of providing for another person, NTA. But you should have a mutually agreed upon plan B if things don’t work out
You are 21, which is the perfect time to study or get a job and see the world. If you can stay with family and at the same time help them financially by working and helping paying bills, you will probably have all their love and support. Being your age and living with your parents whilst neither studying or working sounds like it could lead to isolation. It’s good to get out and try your wings. If you find a job you will also make new
friends. NTA
INFO: Do you have legal status in that country? Are you legally allowed to move there permanently? Or work or attend school there?
If you’re legal to move, does your extended family there agree to helping you to settle? Have they invited you?
Yes I would have legal status. My family there have invited me. But my parents say otherwise that I would be uncomfortable and that I’d like it for a while and after I’d be wanting to leave
YTA. You’re blaming your parents for doing nothing with your life. You’re an adult and your current situation is your responsibility to deal with. Blaming your parents is childish and saying they are being selfish is rich considering they’re been supporting you for 3 years without asking anything in return.
INFO: Why don’t you do something where you are, for starters? If you get a job now and save up, in what sounds like a higher income country, you might be able to later move to your home country with enough money in the bank that you can support yourself until you can get a job, instead of being a strain on your extended family. The fact that your family lets you do nothing doesn’t mean you have to do nothing. You’re only as idle as you let yourself be.
Also, when you’re thinking about how there’s always something to do with your extended family, you have to remember that that’s while you’re there as a short-term guest and your hosts are planning everything for you and squeezing in all the activities possible because you’re there such a short time. It is extremely unlikely that actually living there will have the high frequency of events and get-togethers that you see as a visitor. If you go to stay, you will stop being a guest and start being a resident eventually, and you’ll doubtless be expected to figure out your own things to do, just like you could be doing where you are now.
YTA for calling your parents selfish when they have been supporting you so far, and you are now expecting them to give you financial support to move somewhere else. Magically expecting things to improve just because you move is so unrealistic. There is a world of difference between visiting somewhere and living there. Maybe get yourself a job where you are and earn some money yourself to give you a new start somewhere else. You might even find that you start to enjoy life more. I don’t think it’s fair to blame your parents for your lack of motivation.
The parents said op is selfish for wanting to leave them. Op is saying they are selfish for saying that. Which to be fair, they are selfish for saying that and putting that guilt on op. I agree with what you are saying about living somewhere vs vacationing there and about thinking things will magically change once they move. However, if op wants to move and wants to support themselves then that’s a good thing. Op wasn’t calling them selfish in general, just for that statement.
But they state that they will need financial support from their parents in order to move so I still think it’s a bit off to call their parents selfish.
Yes but your missing the point that they weren’t calling the parents selfish in general. They were calling them selfish for making that statement. The two things are completely separate.
NTA for wanting to move
YTA, however, for still expecting your parents and extended family to financially support you and still call them selfish. You are an adult, and have decided that you need to move to “do something for yourself”. In addition, you apparently expect your extended family to house you.
Doing something for yourself includes supporting yourself.
You don’t want to be idle? The stop being idle. Get a job where you are, actually become self-supporting, then decide what you can ‘do for yourself’.