(english is my second language, so i’m sorry if there are grammar mistakes here)
me (19F) and lea (fake name, 19F) have been friends for two years. in the first year of our friendship i had a boyfriend, our relationship was kinda toxic because he didn’t reciprocate my feelings so much and i was emotionally dependent of him. lea, on the other side, never had a boyfriend in her whole life, so in the second year of our friendship, i broke up and we enjoyed our single lives together, it was so much fun.
by the end of last year, she met this guy. at first, i didn’t like it because he is 27 years old and i’m not a big fan of big differences in ages, but if she doesn’t see a problem it’s okay, cause it’s her life after all. but then, she told me he had 6 ex girlfriends, it sounded weird to me cause it’s a big number of exes. then, she said that he was saying that she needed to change some behaviors in order to date him. then, they broke up one week after this conversation. then, they suddenly got back together and started dating again.
since they made the relationship official, she stopped hanging out with us, stopped sending messages, stopped posting on instagram… the only day she went to our friend’s house she kept texting her bf all night and almost not talking to us. i’m afraid she’s giving all her energy and attention to him. in my opinion he’s a walking red flag, but if she doesn’t mind he has 6 exes and that he’s 27 it is none of my business. but i’ve been noticing a behavior in her that i used to have when i was dating and was emotionally dependent of my ex.
we’re not talking frequently anymore, so maybe it is just a wrong impression of their relationship that i’m having, but if it’s true and she’s in fact dependent of him, i want to help my girl asap. help me
NTA. There’s a reason he’s 27 dating a 19 year old. You and her are young, talk to her and tell her that you’re worried. It might not work but it’ll plant the seed.
NTA…… Use your own past experience as a bridge, tell her you’ve noticed her withdrawing and it reminds you of how you felt when you were struggling with emotional dependency. Instead of attacking him, ask open-ended questions about her happiness and remind her that you’re always there if things get heavy.
NTA
She may not be willing to listen
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Ok, I’m normally not one to jump on the “age gap” bandwagon…but a 27 year old has NO BUSINESS being with a 19 year old.
That’s red flag number 1.
Number 2 is “he was saying that she needed to change some behaviors in order to date him.” Fuck that noise all the way to hell. This sounds like an abusive relationship from the start.
Red flag number 3: “she stopped hanging out with us, stopped sending messages, stopped posting on instagram” He’s isolating her in order to make it easier to trap her in an abusive relationship. This is a classic move.
This dude is such a piece of trash loser that he has to find impressionable, easy to manipulate, inexperienced young women, remove them from their friends and family, guilt them into changing themselves, and force them to rely on him for every emotional and physical need they have. If he was such a catch, why does he have to date a damn 19 year old?
You would be the asshole to not do everything you can to make her leave this guy. He’s likely a serial abuser, and finds inexperienced, insecure women that need to rely on him for everything. While I know she’s an adult and she can make her own choices, she sounds like she’s in a stage of her life where she is easily persuaded and doesn’t have a lot of trust in herself.
Do whatever you can, but if she absolutely refuses to see any reason, let her know that your door is ALWAYS open. Remind her that you care and that you’re her friend, and she can come to you at any time. This is likely to get worse before it gets better, though. NTA
NTA. Your friend is dating a 27 year old, and it sounds like he’s encouraging her to isolate herself. Those alone are red flags, and her having no previous relationship experience means she probably has blinders on. Id try talking to her one on one over coffee and see how she responds. If she pulls away be ready for when she comes back to support her, and try to make her aware you’re still there for her.
You wouldn’t be wrong to talk to her, but approach it gently. Focus on your concern for her well-being rather than criticizing her boyfriend. Use “I” statements like, “I feel worried because I’ve noticed you seem stressed or distant lately. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Let her share without judgment, and be ready to support her if she opens up. Sometimes simply showing care can help her see red flags herself.
NTA to be worried about your friend’s situation. There is nothing you can do to save her from herself. The best thing you can do is let her know you care and will be there when she needs your friendship.
Don’t explain to her that you can see that this relationship she is only the 7th ex-in-waiting and that you’ll be there for her when that happens.