Mom and dad seperated a little over year ago and the first few months mom made me believe only my Dad was the problem. Dad finally opened up to me about everything that happened and it became clear mom wasnt very honest with her own side of the story cus she played a very huge part in what happened also but she left it out. After i learnt the truth i tried asking her why she wont try to make peace with Dad and she said he isnt willing to do that but that was a lie cus Dad showed me messages where he begged her repeatedly. she also said he neglects most of our bills but that was a lie too cus he is taking care 80% of our bills.
The point of all these is that she has successfully poisoned my younger sister mind towards my Dad and I cant do anything about it, im tired of watching her villainize the Man to even family members cus she knows he wont tell anyone what really happened. im tired of the lies she keeps telling people. I just wish i can tell people that most of the things she says are lies and maybe shess the problem. Dad has asked me not to do it though.
As a child of divorce, stay out of it as much as possible. This is not your weight to carry. Both parents are TAH for telling you things they disliked about the other
Eh, I don’t think that siblings sharing info or feelings is an issue.
Sounds like mom’s the one telling things and dad’s hearing them and bringing receipts.
Couldn’t agree more. Keep your head down and your statements on the matter neutral to outside parties. There’s no way to know how much either of your parents is manipulating the truth to you and getting in the middle will only hurt you. I say this as the child of parents who ended up hating each other: none of this is your responsibility to handle. Don’t let yourself become the middle man in their communications, don’t get involved in their fights, and don’t let them guilt you into defending either of them. It’s a tough spot to be in but you can’t control the situation and will only get more hurt if you try.
understood. but Dad never shared any dislike
Yes and no…
You (and everyone else in your family you mom is lying to) have a right to the truth, and your father certainly doesn’t deserve to be dragged through the mud to make her feel better about herself.
But, I can respect your father not wanting to go full out and turn people on your mother, especially to your younger sister. Regardless of who is at fault, parents should never be wholly alienated from their children, especially not by the other parent. But there has to be a mutually agreed upon seize fire.
Your mom isn’t respecting that and that’s hurting you, your dad, and your sister.
That said, it may still not be your place to defend your dad if he doesn’t want you to. Maybe he does. In which case, fire away.
But make sure you don’t torpedo your relationship with your mom, even if she’s being sucky at the moment. She’s still your mom.
NAH, except your parents. I can’t bring myself to call you an asshole, but you are in the wrong here. Your parents are using you against each other. I don’t know how old you are, but it’s probably hard to see that from the inside.
The absolutely best thing you can do is stay entirely out of it.
understood
This happened to me when my parents divorced 10 years ago. There was a lot of he said she said and mountains of lies. I’m not sure how old you are but I was 14 at the time and so focused on who was right and who was wrong, that I made the situation worse. It’s important to recognize how much hurt everyone in your family is feeling including yourself. The structure and safety you grew up with is gone, you’re grieving and just trying to survive.
No matter who did what, your parents weren’t happy together, and they are trying to improve their lives. They’re trying as hard as they can to be good examples and support you and your siblings while heart broken and lost and they could both benefit from some grace. Give your siblings the same, everyone is trying to cling to some sense of security.
Forgive and Accept. I’m not saying it’ll happen soon or that it’s easy, but it is the only way forward. I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. It’s been a decade since my parents separated and today I couldn’t be more grateful. They both have spouses who love them dearly and I have step siblings who are pretty cool. There was lots of fighting and lies in the name of grief during that time but it gets better. Focus on what you can control and choose compassion over comparison.
I believe in you!
thank you so much for this
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NTA
As the mom, and the wronged party in a similar situation, I get it.
It took me some time to learn how to not talk about the situation with my adult child because their other parent was one thing we had in common. I admire your dad, and ultimately over time, people will see the truth. Waiting for that to happen is more difficult, but more effective because when people draw their own conclusions, it sticks.
Now, my advice to you: I know you want to help, but it’s not your place. Just like you didn’t know about your mom’s true character, there are likely other things you aren’t aware of. If you entertain these conversations, you’ll find yourself in the middle of an emotional tug of war that serves no positive purpose. Divorce is difficult for everyone, and you are an innocent bystander that deserves peace. She may have done bad things in their relationship, but since you didn’t know about them, sounds like they didn’t affect you. Respectfully shut down the conversations when they come up. Support them by having normal conversations about your day or their day, help out with housework, bring them their favorite snack or surprise them with something small that will brighten their day. Do the same with your sibling, and encourage them to do the same. Just because your parents relationship is severed, doesn’t mean that the ties between you and your mom, your dad, and your sibling are as well.
Divorce is all consuming and keeping up with the details and fights is exhausting. They will welcome the opportunity to be with someone without having to discuss everything that’s negative. Eventually it will run out of steam, so do your best to build normal relationships with them individually. You are not wrong for that. If one of them ends up being someone you don’t want to spend a lot of time with, don’t feel bad for that either.
YWBTA if you told everyone your private family business. This is not your story to tell. Stay out of it.
That being said, I would tell your Dad that your sister is drinking from a poisoned well. It’s up to him to decide what to do about that (if anything). At a minimum, he should know that your mother is intentionally alienating his child from him.