My friend and I live in different countries, and we have been friends for more than ten years. We have been through a lot together, so it made us really close. I got married and moved to the other side of the world. We still chat and call each other a lot. My friend is having family problems, and he might not be able to travel for a long time in the future, so we decided that we would meet up somewhere.
BUT I just noticed one of my friend’s behaviors is really bothering me. When we walk in public, he says things like, “Do you think those people are Chinese?”, “Look at those Asians,” “I haven’t seen any Thai people here. It’s probably too expensive for them”, or comments about other people’s appearances like, “That guy is so pale,” “Aren’t they cold? Why would they dress like that?”, “That kid is cute. Probably got a lot from the mom since the dad is ugly,” “Look at them. I can just tell they are tourists.” Or when we walk by a group of people, he’ll say, “Why the hell are they standing here?” in our mother tongue.
About my friend: He is gay, and he has a loud and sassy attitude. We studied abroad together, so he knows that some people might understand what he says. His behaviour isn’t new, but this is excessive. He wasn’t this rude before. He’s not on a spectrum.
I tried to ignore his comments, but then I snapped when he made a comment about a random lady and her boyfriend “Why would this guy date a fat person?” I actually said, “Why the fuck would you say that?” My friend laughed it off and said he was just bad mouthing.
It’s just so embarrassing and completely rude. I started to get really annoyed. He continued to make those comments all day. A couple of hours ago, he asked me if I could tell the difference between locals and tourists. I said I had never really thought about it because I don’t care about that kind of thing. I said it in a way that hinted he needed to stop this because I’m running out of patience.
My friend doesn’t seem to not understand that he doesn’t need to say all his thoughts out loud. Basically, he doesn’t have manners when it comes to speaking. I don’t think he means anything in a harmful way, and I’m not sure if he’s just saying things because he’s bored or nervous.
Now as I’m writing this, we are watching the Olympics together, and he’s making comments like, “Is this person male or female?” when it’s clearly a men’s competition, and “I don’t understand why would this person on TV has lip filler?”. I wanted to say to him that if he could get botox himself then he should shut the hell up about the others.
I’m thinking about being straight forward with him. I don’t think our relationship is weak, but my friend is the type that if he wants to be a dick, he will be one even though he knows he’s wrong. But he has always been nice to me, as I have been to him. He respects my boundaries, but this behaviour makes me want to leave him here alone.
NTA he sounds insufferable.
He does. I’m worried that our friendship will end after this trip.
NTA it sounds like he’s insecure and projects it in this way. He probably thinks it’s an appropriate way to fill the silence and is hoping you’ll agree and continue a conversation. It’s a habit that can be very hard to get out of.
ETA: it’s part of being a good friend to point out when a friend is wrong
Thank you. I was thinking about filling the silence too. I’m tired from the travelling so I’m a bit quiet today. I noticed that he’s been talking nonstop.
He’s having a very hard time, and I can tell that his mood is changing a lot due to the stress. I didn’t want to give him another thing to think about.
But I’m going to try to talk to him later. If it doesn’t work, I’ll go home because this will ruin our friendship if we continue travelling together.
Ugh, how exhausting your friend sounds. Just because he is nice to you, doesn’t make him a nice person. You should talk to him about it. That way he’s not completely blindsided when your friendship eventually comes to an end. YWNBTA.
Thank you. He wasn’t like this before, and I think 80% of it is from the stress he has have for years, another 20% is him thinking he can just say whatever he wants.
I actually said to him that he could get us in trouble if he keeps saying things like this. He didn’t say anything after.
NTA your friend just isn’t a nice person
NTA your friend is gonna get his ass beat acting like this. This is some middle school bully behavior.
It’s always so sad when people somehow think they are a 10, which qualifies them to berate the rest of the human race. Most 10’s aren’t as judgmental as your friend.
Maybe next time he is being rude ask him why he truly thinks or believes what he’s saying. Ask him if he thinks he is more handsome. Ask him if being Asian is detrimental. Make him answer why he is being judgemental.
If it really bothers you and you are willing to lose the friendship for being honest go for it.
Kindly ask him why he feels the need to downgrade strangers. Tell him it really bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. Say that, if he needs to fill the silence, you can talk about a myriad of other topics. Suggest planning another adventure, talking about favorite movies, foods or books. Give him appropriate topics of conversation and shut him down if he strays back into bad habits.