I have had a long term friend group since we were all in high school (all 22-23), with most of us having known each other since middle school. Within our group we have two friends (Martha and Tina) who have been very close since diapers. This issue is pertaining to the two of them.
Back in late September/early October of 2024, Martha started dating a guy. Martha and I lived in the same city, so it’d be a topic of conversation whenever we hung out. Tina had visited her in early December and met the guy, who invited them to a party. Tina and guy had spoken throughout the night normally, but at some point while walking away from him, guy calls Tina a "f\*ggot." Tina is not straight, and I do believe guy knew this about her (not that it really changes what he did). After Martha and Tina had run into another room after hearing this, he told them to "stop being women about it." My two friends left the party after that.
Martha had been upset with and fought with guy for around two weeks after this had happened. They continued dating afterwards, no apology was issued to Tina, just from guy to Martha. The rest of our group only found out about this after Tina had told us over the holidays later that month. They continued to date into July until Martha moved to a different town around 3.5 hours away from our city for her new job. They broke up then because of communication issues and the distance. In Oct. of this year, Martha tells our group that she has gotten back with guy. We’re all upset, Tina of course being super validly so. Tina and Martha have talked more recently about this after Tina expressed her hurt over this choice, as well as the lack of apology etc. None of us want our friendships to change, but she won’t leave the guy, and he still has yet to apologize (not that it would change that much but it’d be a start)
I adore Martha. She is so gorgeous, successful, and is normally not someone who would usually defend this kind of behavior. She says he’s apologized a ton, would never do it again, and has now been better at communicating with her and has been sending her gifts. Even though Tina has been trying to move past it, Martha has been awkward and dry with Tina now in person and over text, and we don’t know what to do.
Since July of 2025 I have moved to the same city of Tina, and seeing her more has also really brought attention to how much this has impacted her. My main issue is that I don’t know if it is really my place to step in and tell Martha I think she’s making a shitty choice, but I can’t stand to see someone I care about take this weird amoral stance nor see our other friend have to live with this permanently weird dynamic with her best friend. I’ve held back because I don’t want to do anything that would upset Tina, and Martha cancelled on our in person hang out so I haven’t been able to talk to her irl, which is what I’d prefer. There’s more involving his political beliefs, but that feels beyond the scope here.
Stay out of it. Let them figure out their own relationship. If you step in you will end up becoming the outcast.
NTA. Just stop talking to or hanging out with Martha. Clearly her morals and preferences have changed, what she values has changed, so a relationship with her will not be the same.
It’s not up to you and not necessary for you to tell Martha what you think of her behavior w/r/t her relationships, with her BF or her (former) best friend. Just withdraw from her. That is how you say it without saying it. That’s all that’s needed here.
Spend some extra time with Tina and build her up.
> I adore Martha. She is so gorgeous, successful, and is normally not someone who would usually defend this kind of behavior.
And yet she’s willingly choosing to date a bigot who insulted and hurt her closest friend – you need to stop thinking about what she’d *’normally’* do and focus on what she is actually doing
> She says he’s apologized a ton, would never do it again, and has now been better at communicating with her and has been sending her gifts.
So bigot dude has apologised to Martha? What about Tina?
Not that an apology makes what happened cool, Tina would be absolutely within her rights to reject it – plus it sounds like any apology would probably be insincere and driven only by him trying to keep his relationship with Martha
The gifts sound like he might be love-bombing her a bit but this is a by far a secondary concern compared to the BF’s behaviour and Martha’s tolerance of it
> Even though Tina has been trying to move past it, Martha has been awkward and dry with Tina now in person and over text, and we don’t know what to do.
So gorgeous, wonderful, amazing Martha is blaming her friend for being the victim of her bigoted BF?
> My main issue is that I don’t know if it is really my place to step in and tell Martha I think she’s making a shitty choice, but I can’t stand to see someone I care about take this weird amoral stance…
Why are you so invested in trying to fix a friendship with someone who has made their position clear?
She’s cool with bigots, so she’s a bigot
> There’s more involving his political beliefs, but that feels beyond the scope here.
I suspect this is a lot more relevant than you want to admit and probably speaks to a broader picture of Martha’s opinions but you don’t want to acknowledge that
Martha is gorgeous (as we know this is the most valuable quality in a person and completely her own accomplishment), successful, terrible friend and enabler of misogynistic homophobe (political beliefs are out of scope, so there is nothing to add here for sure). If you do not speak you are enabling her and would be the asshole
All you can do is take a step back from Martha.
You can’t really dictate who she dates ( or get into her dating life) or how any of the friend group reacts to her dating him.
Tina needs to confront this situation of this AH if she was that affected by it like you said she was and still is. I certainly would! Why hasn’t she? Doesn’t Martha realize that she is with a misogynist and a homophobic? This man used hate speech against a mutual friend. All you can really do is bide your time and hope Martha comes to her senses or you and Tina will have to just continue your friendship together. I am sorry this happened and in my world with my friends he would have been eliminated as any kind of friend, because of his hate. Good luck
She knows what this guy said and chose to go back to him. You can certainly reject attempts for you to hang out with her while they’re still together but since she knows what he said and still chose to go back, I don’t see what more you can do. At this point beyond avoiding contact I wouldn’t do or say anything more
I guess if your friend presses you about why you’re avoiding her you can explain your reasoning.