Some details are changed because I know my sister uses reddit a lot. (But at the same time if she finds it, she finds it).
My sister is 21.
My issue with her is that she is incredibly selfish and self unaware. She constantly makes my mom feel bad for how she dealt with her behavioral issues when she was younger. My mom holds a lot of guilt for how she handled things with my sister when she was younger, and she knows that. She always brings up how my mom would be mad at her constantly when we were younger because she knows it makes her feel guilty, and she usually does this to get her way. My dad and her have a somewhat strained relationship because he sees right through a lot of her bullshit. He only holds back on saying so much because it upsets my mom. My mom babies my sister and she loves it. She loves any attention and coddling she can get from my mom, and she knows exactly how to get it.
She did this a ridiculous amount of times on our family vacation over the break. What seriously pissed me off is that my cousin meticulously planned and booked our trip. We did a lot of super fun things and she decided to just.. stay at the hotel for a majority of the time. She would stay in all day and not go to dinner with us, but then would expect my mom to bring food back for her. She stressed my mom terrible, and it clearly made my cousin feel bad that none of his planning was appreciated by my sister. Although everyone else loved it, her absence and lack of thanks really ticked me, my brother, and my other cousins off.
Particularly, on one excursion that she actually went out to, she spend the last half scrolling on her phone and throwing a fit for no real reason. Keep in mind, we are in a super nice place and she has no reason to do this. It got to the point that one of my cousins was going to say something because of her behavior, but my aunt stopped him because she didn’t want tensions. She also left food messes after she ate and waited for someone else to clean up after her.
This is super common for her. My parents openly acknowledge that she is selfish and they don’t know what to do. She has called home a number of times (she’s in college) and left my mom in tears because she brings up old stuff. She says things that she knows will stress my mom out because she likes the attention she gets. She is at a VERY expensive college and is only taking 2 classes because some excuse or another. She’s incredibly spoiled, and it’s actually getting to the point that I can’t even be cordial with her when we see each other because her behavior is so childish. I’m a couple years younger than her, but I’ve felt like I’m more mature than her for a long time. There are literally a million more things that she has done/does that reinforce her character and i don’t know what to do about it. After this trip, she left a sour taste in my brother, cousins, aunt, uncle, and my mouth. (My parents were also clearly at a loss after this trip because of her behavior.)
ESH – who created this situation OP? Whose job is it to fix it? Your Mom. Clearly your Mom was a shitty parent to her and your sister uses that as an excuse to also be shitty. Your Mom gives in. It’s your mother who can stop it but she continues to not step up as a parent due to her own guilt.
I think the biggest issue here is your mother and her poor parenting and your Dad who isn’t intervening as the other parent.
I appreciate this a lot. I know it’s not my job but it’s hard to just not say anything. I will say that my post makes my parents out to be enablers, but they’ve actually really tried with her. (More my dad than my mom). But it gets us nowhere bc my sister is in constant victim mode. My parents have become jaded over the years and stopped pushing back so much bc it makes everyone miserable. Therapy, meds, gentle parenting, strict parenting. Idk. Nothing works. I’m so ready to leave this house and not have to think about this situation any more than I already do!
I think you may want to take a step back and consider things from her perspective instead of instantly jumping to the defense of your parents, especially because it sounds like you were still a kid when everything was going on
You are actually also enabling this situation to continue. Stop triangulating, stop allowing them to complain to you from either side.
This is about the relationships between adults who aren’t you. Step out and away, make it their responsibility to change or correct the pattern. You are not their therapist.
You are NTA. Your mother sure is though because she’s enabled this behavior and the result is an extremely spoiled child. Your family sounds very non-confrontational because no one seems to want to rock the boat, which means I’m not even sure they’d be on your side even if you did say something. It’s not your job to parent her, focus on growing up, moving out and getting away from that nonsense as soon as possible.
Super non confrontational. I hate that so much because instead of one big wave of uncomfortable emotions, everyone ignores it as best they can. My brother and cousins are def on the same page as me. I won’t bring this up with my parents until I move out later this year because my mom is very sensitive to it. I appreciate hearing from an outside source confirming i’m not losing it.
NTA, you can be completely honest, she needs to hear it, but I’m not sure how much of a difference it will make. Your mom needs to stop enabling her bs and start being a parent, and let you dad be a parent too.
NTA but I don’t think anything you say to your sister is going to change anything. Your parents are the ones that need to put their feet down and not condone her behavior. Your sister found out how to manipulate them and they want to reward the behavior. Nothing is going to change until they decide to stop. Nothing for you to do here. Just get your ducks in a row to leave home and put some distance between yourself and the toxic situation.
Yes, this is not any of your business nor is it something you can fix. Your parents created this, they are the only ones who can fix it. If they are ok with it, you should be too.
Sounds like everyone in your family would think you WBTA. It will have no effect on your sister and your parents are the ones babying her and will certainly think you’re being mean/ unreasonable. So really, what would the point be? Even if you’re right and say it in the best way possible, it’s super unlikely that you telling her to grow up and be grateful will have any effect on her whatsoever. And as such, at the end of the day, people will probably see you as an AH for popping off on her.
What are you waiting for? I mean, she will protest, cry, try to guilt somebody, but isn’t it time the truth was put out there, regardless of consequences?
If not, she’ll never self-reflect/change. Your parents aren’t really at a loss as to what to do, they are just cowering before the monster they’ve created! lol
NTA but saying anything to her is a waste of time. Until your mother stops playing your sister’s games and giving into her manipulations nothing is going to change.
NTA but it’s up to her parents, not you, to fix this.
Fir your own sanity go LC or NC with all of them.