Using a throwaway!
TDRL: Sibling came out as trans(M->F) since then sibling suddenly went off of mental health medication during this period and has estranged themselves from the entire except brother(they live together). The only contact we’ve had since has been extremely negative and my wedding is in 7 months, would I be the asshole if I uninvited my sibling?
Okay full backstory!!
I 23F am getting married at the end of July this year and I am at a complete loss as to what I should do about my sibling (28). In late 2024 they privately came out to me as trans M->F, I took them for out lunch then shopping for skincare, makeup, hair care and just talked with them for hours about everything confirming that this is what they wanted and being as supportive as I possibly could. I kept this information completely confidential aside from my therapist and telling my fiancé that I was processing something but not stating what it was.
My sibling came out to our mom and dad(step) in July ish of 2025, they both from what I’ve heard were supportive, similar things of confirming that this is what they wanted and just being there for them. In August at their birthday they had a mini freak out and left partway through stating "I don’t want to be here, I’ve only come so that mom is happy" and they left shortly afterwards. Since that time if not sooner that have gone off of their mental health medications, this was confirmed by my brother who lives with them.
The relationship that we once had has completely vanished and been broken, from my side it has been replaced by sadness and resentment towards them. I have gotten 6 total messages from them since August of 2025, 4 of which have been quite rude and deeply hurt my feelings.
I previously couldn’t imagine my wedding day without them and always pictured both of my siblings walking me down the aisle, but with the separation between us and the blatant rude and hateful attitude towards me I just can’t even imagine them being there anymore.
My other sibling M25 will still be attending either way and has been very helpful, supportive and involved in everything wedding and life wise despite our siblings recent behaviour.
So Reddit, would I be the asshole if I uninvited my sibling to my wedding?
Info: What things have they said? About what? Was there some trigger or occasion, or is it completely unprompted?
In general, your wedding should be your own, so unless you’re being bigoted (which there’s no indication of) you won’t be the asshole for un-inviting, but this story is a little vague right now to judge.
I was worried about hitting the character limit when being partway through explaining something so I thought I’d try to condense it down, I apologize for it being vague that wasn’t my intention.
The most hurtful comment made from my sibling was towards my fiancé, along the lines of ” I will never make him happy, our marriage will fail and there isn’t a point in being with someone like me”
The other that sticks out is that I remind my sibling of our dad(bio) and that I deserved everything he did to me, I took this extremely to heart since I cut him (bio dad) off 7 years ago after the verbal and physical abuse became too much.
A lot of this was completely unprompted, the second comment received was because I suggested in a group chat that we should go out to dinner.
Bless. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing that. As long as you’re at peace with whatever decision you make and you communicate it with love, you will not be an asshole.
Do you think in 7 months your sibling won’t be in a more stable place and back on medication? Do do think they are being difficult because it is truly who they are now?
These are not gotcha questions, but actual ones to consider. A lot can happen in 7 months. It sounds like sibling is not being rational or taking care of themself. You would be within your rights to not want distress at your wedding. But if you are offended by their behavior, I am wondering if their behavior is led by choice or by their illness.
I am imagining your sibling not coming to the wedding, and in later years you both feel a bit wistful about it when sibling is back to a healthy state.
I genuinely couldn’t tell you or make an educated guess on if in 7 months my sibling will be in a more stable or possibly place mentally. My gut feeling is no but that’s an obviously biased opinion and assumption on my part.
I wish I could answer the second question you had but I am trying my absolute best to not group together any correlation versus causation with the things they’re going through.
Although when they previously went off of their medications back during the Covid era they did have some similar actions but nothing as severe as it is now. I agree that their illnesses have impacted the situation to some degree but I know that I cannot force someone to hear concerns or to take action if it’s unwanted.
I am so worried about what their actions could be if they do attend the wedding but I am also concerned about what the fallout would be if they don’t. I am just at a complete loss of what to do
Idk if its even possible based on what you’ve descirbed but maybe a heart to heart with sibling about your concerns and their wishes.
Tell them you’ll be happy for them to attend IF they get mentally stable again.
It’s a very scary time for trans people, especially if you are bases in the US. Grant sibling some grace. No judgment – mental health struggles are hard.
I fully understand and sympathize wholeheartedly with the hostility towards trans people and their rights, I am so sorry if I came off they way in any part my of post as I was completely unintended if I did.
I am trying my absolute best to give them as much leeway as I can but can you let me know why I would be the ah? I do appreciate the input though so thank you! I am located Alberta Canada!
You can be struggling with mental health & still be an AH – the things they texted her were way out of line & unacceptable. I wouldn’t have someone who talked to me & about my fiancé like that, at my wedding until they profusely apologized
NTA, but it doesn’t sound like you have the whole story about them coming out to your parents and their reaction. Maybe them going off meds right around that time wasn’t really a coincidence.
Edit to NTA after reading your additional comment.
That is true in which I only know one side from when they came out to my parents, I’ve asked my mom about it and we’ve have some conversations. I do often wonder if she or my dad said something, or if it was just too much for my sibling. I didn’t question if that was the reason why they went off of their medications so I will absolutely think about that and reproach the situation, thank you very much for shedding light on the separate angle I really appreciate it!
YWBTA. This is an EXTREMELY difficult time for your sibling and it doesn’t sound like you know exactly what happened when they told everyone. Accepting who you are, family accepting who you are, and the world accepting who you are takes time and is very painful and draining.
It’s clear that coming off the meds is contributing to their instability and anything can happen in 7 months.
I don’t see any reason to do anything about your wedding. They’re your sibling. Keep the place open and if they come, they come and if they don’t, they don’t.
I really appreciate your insight, a few of my friends and another family member are also transgender and I’ve always tried my absolute best to be supportive in every possible way I could. My point about uninviting them from my wedding was mostly due to some poor comments they’ve made about me during this time, I do absolutely agree that them coming off of their medications has contributed to their negative actions and behaviours.
But again I do value your perspective on my situation and I appreciate your insight, thank you!