I’m struggling with this after today’s family gathering for the holidays. Quick back story, my grandfather passed away almost 10 years ago. I was extremely close to him growing up and I still miss him every day and especially during the holidays because they were his favorite. My grandmother has since re-married about 3 years ago to a nice man who had lost his wife as well.
At todays gathering, we were all hanging out and catching up with everyone. The mood and vibe with everyone was pleasant and it was good to see everyone that was able to come into town for the day. We also meet like this every other year so it really was something special.
Abunch of us were standing around in the kitchen talking after the meal when my grandmothers small dog ran in and started barking at her husband because he was taking out the trash. This little monster hates the trash and throws a fit every time. My grandmother picked up her little dog and said "are you barking at pops?"
This is where it hits hard. "Pops" was my grandfathers name. My whole life he IS pops and she’s now calling her new husband pops. I look at my aunt and mother and they all have this shocked looked on their face as well. I grabbed my husband and we politely excused ourselves saying he had to get ready for work and left.
AITA for leaving the way we did and why?
WBITA for wanting to stand up and say something to her and not participating in gatherings again as long as she does this?
She’s a great woman and we have a great family, but I’m torn here in so many different ways
The dog most likely never met the first husband, for him the second one is pops. I think you are seriously overreacting. Pops is not a unique nickname, it’s shared by millions of people. It’s like when you tell the dog or cat come to mummy.. Everyone who ever losr a mother should be offended? You don’t have to call him that way, clearly, but you should not make a scene.
A bit dramatic on your part. She isn’t asking you to call him Pops. How she refers to him to other people (or in this case dog) isn’t up to you.
YWBTA/YTA
YTA. I understand you have an attatchment to the nickname as it relates to your grandfather, but it’s a very common nickname to give to dads and grandfathers. It’s not like it was a special nickname that could *only* be related to your grandfather and she was now using it for her new husband. If you’re really willing to stop attending family events bc of this, it sounds like you still have some *strong* issues with your grief that need to be resolved. It’s one thing to be surprised and for it to hit you all over again that your grandfather is gone-it’s another to let this dictate your relationship with her going forward.
YTA for saying you don’t want to participate in gatherings.
Tell her how you feel. Be honest that it upsets you, because you see your grandfather as pops.
But ultimately, she is not referring to him as pops to you. Her new husband is pops to the dog. She probably will try to refer to him differently when she learns it upsets you, but even if she doesn’t, he is not replacing your pops. And to exclude yourself from rare family gatherings is an overreaction that will only hurt you.
YTA ? I’m confused genuinely, as to why your grandma can’t call her new husband pops? Like it’s a common nickname for an older man and what’s the problem with that, why would it shock you, aunt, mother. I personally wouldn’t care as long as that’s what her new husband prefers being called.
She’s just saying it to the dog, though, right? She’s not referring to her new husband as pops when talking to the rest of the family? If all that is true, I think your stance is an over-reaction. You can maybe bring up your thoughts on it (kindly) and then hear your grandmother out for her reasoning, but it would be silly to withdraw from family gatherings over it.
NAH
YTA, yes, I’m sorry. You really think you should have any right to dictate what your grandmother calls her second husband to their DOG?
Please, seek therapy if you’re able. It sounds like you have some work to do for your own peace of mind.
YTA what a MASSIVE overreaction to a very common nickname.
YTA imagine someone at the park tell their dog “go to mummy” and you feel upset because it’s not your mum.
That’s what you are doing here “pops” simply means older father/grandfather it’s easier for kids and animals to remember short names it’s not a unique beloved name for but one person.
I am sorry this is how you learn that, I am sure you thought differently given this post.
So she doesn’t realize it hurts you because it’s simply “go to dad” “got to the old men” to her and not tied to your grandfather at all.
I understand that’s upsetting because you didn’t know but now you do.
Do you really want to loose precious time with your family you will never get back over other people also being called grandpa?
Your feelings are valid, but they are *your* feelings and your responsibility. After 10 years, if you haven’t made peace with your grandfather’s death I recommend seeing a therapist if you aren’t already.
As far as your grandmother, she waited 7 years before remarrying. Whatever she wants to call him is up to her. You might consider how her new husband would feel if you were to cause issue. They’re trying to make a happy life for themselves despite their grief.
N/A/H currently, but YWBTA if you made a big deal about it.
YWBTA for being angry with your Grandmother
Losing Pops has clearly been hard, even ten years later hearing the word “Pops” from your grandmother is upsetting. That is ok, even understandable- it reminds you of what you have lost. Don’t turn that hurt into anger at someone who lost their partner. That is really not fair, “Pops” is a common nickname.
If you feel emotional when your grandma says “pops”, just tell her “Hearing ‘Pops’ really makes me miss him, it still hurts that he is gone.” Maybe you have an opportunity to talk, share your feelings, connect with Grandma about it. Jumping to anger helps nobody.
Gentle YTA for not even pausing to talk with your grandma. If she and her new hubby are such great people, why in the world would you cut them off over this? Her thinking of her husband as being ‘pops’ to the dog in no way diminishes your memories of your grandpa or his special role in your family.
YTA for one thing, this is a common nickname so its use isn’t exclusive to the man you love.
Second, I sometimes call my husband by my cat or dog’s name. Maybe this was a slip up.
It’s okay for you to be upset, but it won’t be okay to stop seeing your grandmother over this, especially without any explanation. “It’s going to take me a very long time to get used to hearing you call your new husband Pops, sorry if I take a minute to sort myself out.”
kinda YWBTA tbh-the dog barking would probably kick in a bit of autopilot, and that’s understandable. also it’s her late husband, as well as your grandparent. imo you’ll be long-term more upset about creating some issues with your family around this situation. Take some time to cool down and be happy that she has someone new to cherish time spent with her.