My(Niamh, 34F) partner(Rhys, 39M) had a best friend(Eli, 38M) for several years. They were very close and both invested in the friendship, trying to overcome their male conditioning and sharing hardships and emotions. 3 years ago Eli had a daughter and 1 year ago he vanished. He told my partner that life got too much and he was going off grid for a couple of weeks and the weeks have now turned into a whole year.
Rhys loves his friend and would love to have him back but at the very least he would like to know what happened. Over the year we have both contacted Eli sometimes. Sent a card for the birth of our own child, sent a message to include him in planning for future events, etc. Rhys has now even sent a letter, begging him to tell him what happened or giving him closure and telling him outright that he doesn’t want the friendship anymore. There has been no response.
My partner is very hurt and he struggles a lot with conflict, so I want to help and I have known Eli and was friendly with him, so I feel like I could help by getting involved. I don’t have as much skin in the game and I can be both calmer in conversation and more persistent in getting answers because of that.
So WIBTA if I got involved?
Additional info:
– I have asked Rhys and he is fine with me getting involved. I just worry still that I would make it worse
– We assumed that Eli experienced a mental health crisis or break up or lay off or everything all at once since we know his relationship was struggling a lot before he vanished and we have heard from mutual friends that at some point his partner had to take care of him
– we have contacted his father and his partner who both say he is doing fine and not to worry, he’s just busy. His partner has also not responded to any further questions
Also, does anyone have an idea of what could have happened and what to do about it?
There were no signs he didn’t want the friendship anymore.
His partner gave us baby stuff she wanted returned weeks before he vanished so it’s unlikely they were planning on cutting us off.
If he just wanted to ghost my partner and actually doesn’t want the friendship it is very strange that he has not reacted to any messages.
Just let it go. Unfortunately, you can’t always find closure. The fact that the partner and Dad are not concerned should tell you something.
Yup I also chased closure at a time. It isn’t really worth it.
I’m not sure what you hope to get out of getting involved. If his partner and dad say he’s fine then it seems he’s done with your partner.
I had a friend do something similar and it sucks but you have to dust yourself off and go on. If Eli wanted to talk to your partner, he would have by now.
Also it’s not strange to end the friendship by ghosting. That’s honestly just what some people do.
YTA
His family says he is fine, so I would just let it go.
If I cut contact with someone and they kept harassing me, it would be a permanent non contact from that point.
YWBTA. Eli does not want to speak to Rhys or you. If he did, he would. Please honour his peace.
INFO:
Do you have reason to assume that his father and his partner is isolating him?
I dont know what you want to do, go to his job and harras him? Watching his hone whole day and then harras him? Its nothing you can do, you two can help if he will came to you but thats it. Sometimes you didnt get and answear, i’m happy that i get one. My friend was in bad mental health and she needed ro cut everyone from her past. Now, after 7 years she speak to me Sometimes
YWBTA. He is an adult who doesn’t want the relationship. Leave him be. Respect his choice even if you don’t agree with ghosting. You can’t force someone to give you closure.
YTA let him be. He is in contact with people just not your BF he is allowed to do that. He doesn’t have to give an explanation
YWBTA. What he does with his life is none of your business. He clearly wants nothing to do with any of you, you’re all adults, move on. Imagine having a bunch of people hunt you down when you made it clear you want nothing to do with him. Geez.
YTA. Sound like a very emotionally taxing friendship. Leave him alone he clearly isn’t interested in being friends. The fact that you assume that it’s a mental health crisis before assuming that maybe he just doesn’t want to talk to your boyfriend is pretty telling. Feels like there’s a massive piece of missing information in this story.
You may be the catalyst or issue to begin with and not realize it. I’m confused tho, he lives with his parents and has a job? Did he actually go off grid or not?
Yta. Both of you. You need to let go. If he wanted to reach out, he would. You may never know what happened and you’re going to have to be ok with that. It’s literally the only closure you’ll ever get. Take it or leave it. Just drop it. It’s best you can do here.
Yta. People have said they have seen him around, and his father and partner say he’s fine. Chances are that they won’t give you more information because they have been asked not to. You pushing to know what’s going on and not respecting his request for space may push him farther away. He is aware that you are asking questions and that you have tried to get in touch and hasn’t responded. That’s your answer. He does want to speak to you at this time. Take a step back. I’m afraid you are going to have to go on without knowing why or if the friendship is over, because he obviously doesn’t want to have that conversation with you or your partner.