Being intentionally vague in this post, as I don’t want to make an already awkward situation worse if she finds this.
I am a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding, one of I believe 6. She told me about a month ago when her bachelorette would be – it coincides with my birthday (her bachelorette trip is Thursday – Sunday, and my birthday is on the Friday during that trip). She knows when my birthday is, but said that she had decided on this weekend because it was good for her and her future sister in law, who has a difficult schedule. I was a little put off, as I wasn’t really keen on spending my birthday with a bunch of people I dont really know (we’re old high school friends, and most of her bachelorette party are her college friends, who I’ve met, but am not close to), but I couldn’t say no as I really didn’t have any other plans for my birthday at the time.
Fast-forward to now, she sent the official notice out to everyone she’s inviting to the trip, about 10 people. When I mentioned this to my parents offhandedly, they told me that they had booked a surprise trip for my birthday, on that exact weekend, and that it was non-refundable (flights, hotel, etc.)
This wasn’t their fault; I am very close to my parents, and had told them a while ago (before my friend told me about her bachelorette) that I wasn’t doing anything for my birthday this year. I completely forgot to mention it to them when she had initially told me about the party dates, because I hadn’t expected them to plan anything except maybe a dinner, which I figured could always be moved to another date. My parents were trying to do a nice thing, and figured they would surprise me with it a little closer to the date of the trip, but obviously had to tell me early because of this.
When I told my friend about the coinciding trip, she was extremely disappointed, and now I feel that things are awkward between us. I honestly didn’t expect her to be quite so put out, as she still has 8 other people to celebrate with. I also don’t feel like I can turn my parents down, as they’ve spent money on this trip already, and can’t get it back. WIBTAH if I dont go on her bachelorette trip?
YWNBTA to choose whichever of the two events you would like to go on.
Either one – make a choice, and send your sincere apologies to the other.
It is your birthday after all, which she knew? And it sounds like your parents already shelled out hundreds for a birthday surprise. You’re still going to the wedding so, if she’s a good friend she’ll understand. NTA
NTA. She might be miffed for a minute but if she’s a good friend she will get over it. Have a lovely birthday and perhaps order a nice surprise from you to the bride at her hotel… like a massage or something where she gets a minute respite from all the revelrie!
This is an excellent suggestion 👏. It sounds like the bride is genuinely disappointed and people dropping out of her bachelorette is probably a worry. Letting her know that you’re sorry not to be there along with a nice surprise at her hotel (as this commenter suggested) should help clear any resentment.
NTA. Enjoy your birthday trip. If she gets annoyed then she is not a friend. The only thing I expected my bridesmaids to attend was the wedding itself.
NAH. This is your choice to make, and whatever you decide, make sure you are beyond apologetic to the other party.
Personally, I’d go on the bachelorette party unless this is a major milestone birthday. This is likely the only bachelorette party she’ll ever have, whereas your birthday comes every year. Your parents also scheduled this trip without talking with you first and confirming you could go. It was nice of them but also kind of reckless, especially booking a nonrefundable trip. But still, it’s your decision, so just do what you want and be extremely apologetic to the other side.
I would go on which trip OP thinks she will enjoy the most. Being on a bachelorette trip while my birthday was ignored knowing I could be on a birthday trip that my parents paid for sounds miserable to me.
NTA
Your friend basically made your birthday all about her as soon as she chose the period around it for the party. She was thinking of herself and just assumed that you’d go along with it.
Personally i’d go with the parents and tell the friend that i can’t do the bachelorette. If she’s a good enough friend then she’ll forgive you.
She knew it was your birthday, and that you had something else planned, was a possibility. Just apologize and move on. Your relationship to your parents is more important after all!
NAH Parents should tell you they are preparing something, you should tell them you have trip … but those are minor mistakes not assholery.
No one here is asshole, just people not being perfect organizers.
NTA. I would go on the birthday trip.
NTA. Your friend shouldn’t be surprised at you not going when she knows it’s your bday. Tough noogies for her.
nah you wouldn’t be the asshole your parents planned something special for you that can’t be changed and it’s reasonable to prioritize that over a trip with people you barely know especially since there’s still plenty of friends going to celebrate her
NTA. This idea of bachelorette multi-day party trips is too much.