When I was pregnant with my first child two years ago, I had a really heavy feeling that I had to keep my pregnancy journey quite discreet because two of my friends (they are married) had difficulties with infertility.
When my fiance and I were exprecting it was obvious that they were hurt and that after each encounter with us they would cry themselves to sleep.
So whenever we were together I wouldn’t bring up the pregnancy or even all of the great new thrills I was living. I don’t have much friends so it hurt me inside a lot nat to be able to appreciate the moment as much but I didn’t wanted to hurt them just because baby was existing inside me.
But they talked to other friends of ours and said awful things such as :
-"The child was an accident" (It wasn’t, I prepared my body for everything and it "just" happened on the first try.)
-"They don’t deserve a child as much as us" (I literally waited my entire life just to begin my own family since mine was broken since even before my birth.) "
I remember to cry myself to sleep several times thinking about them also because I always daydreamed about our children growing up together (whether they adopt or use other medical options) but they were just mean.
I always tried to calm my fiance down by telling him that they are hurt and that they don’t actually mean it — but it still hurt and once confronted they still didn’t actually apologized.
Thing that I don’t forget.
When we introduced baby to our friend group for the first time. (It wasn’t at home) They never acknowledged it. Not even a "Hello Baby". They just straight up acted as if it never existed. That night I cried again. The next time they brought a gift but they never actually said Sorry.
Anyway, now the couple are expecting (maybe twins — they had an insemination). They told us first. I hugged them gave them a small gift I’ve prepared for this day (baby clothes and stuff ) because I consider myself their friend and congratulated them.
Now I have this sinking feeling inside because all the things I didn’t get to do wholeheartedly because it was hurting them they’ll celebrate it publicly and loudly (They love to show themselves.) I know that it’s my fault for not celebrating as much as I should’ve but they were really hurt and it hurt me just as much.
So now I’m just thinking about not going to their baby shower when it’s going to come up. Not out of a petty move but because I’ll be extremely hurt.
I’ve learned to stand a bit more my ground so I know that I’ll tell them my reasons one way or another but I feel bad because I’m supposed to support them as a friend.
So WIBTAH if I don’t attend their baby shower because they said my pregnancy was an accident and that I didn’t deserve it?
Darling, these people are not your friends. You can be happy for someone and sad for yourself at the same time. They talked behind you back and made you feel bad for being happy. Make new friends, you don’t need people like this. Friends make you feel good and add to our life, they don’t make you ashamed to enjoy your happy moments.
NTA
Yeah like – saying “they don’t deserve baby as much as we do” about your pregnancy?! They’d be dead to me. That’s straight way to say “we think you are less than us and we don’t want you to be happy”
They dismissed your pregnancy but expect you to celebrate theirs. That is not friendship that is just convenience. NTA.
Nta. Things said behind your back and not apologized for are genuine. They genuinely didn’t value and be happy for you and your baby. You deserve real friends. Nta.
Why should you support them as a friend, when they wouldn’t do it for you? Instead, you got jealousy, and undeserved anger for their issues. Things you had no control over at all.
NTA, and I would suggest trying to move on and find true friends. Believe in yourself, and know you did nothing wrong except give them WAY too much grace IMO.
Those aren’t your friends. Friends don’t want you to be miserable with them or resent your life milestones. I have several friends who have had fertility struggles and every single one was happy for me when I got pregnant (first try) and one is throwing my baby shower. NTA – find people who lift you up.
100% we have multiple friends that had fertility struggles and we felt guilty initially to share when we were expecting because it happened on the first try. But you know every single one of our friends was extremely supportive and excited for us. They celebrated with us and a few even said our baby gave them hope for their own future. All those friends now have their own children and we all hangout together.
The simple truth is we supported our friends in their struggle, we celebrated when they had success, and they celebrated with us in our joy as well. Real friends don’t hold their own lives over you.
These are not friends.. Friends don’t act like this. I mean who even says things like that? take a step back and surround yourself with good people.
You have your husband and child, these are not your friends. I’d cut them out completely and hopefully make new friends with new mothers at play group and nursery and at the park etc.
NTA… Also. Don’t hold on to negative people because you’re scared of losing them. Losing people like this will probably be a good thing.
They sound like horrible people.
I had problems with fertility, 2 years, 6 miscarriages and 6 rounds of chlomid to have my first. My best friend fell pregnant. Was i upset? Of course I was, but she was my friend and I was happy for her! I was truly happy! I could never have treated my friend the way your “friends” treated you! As it turned out for me our kids did grow up together I fell pregnant the following month 🥳
Sweetheart, I’m so sorry to say these people are not your friends. I understand if you have been friends for years. That usually makes people feel like they don’t want to “throw away” that relationship. But if it is causing you heartache, it’s time to reevaluate these friendships
Because…
Friends DO NOT make you feel like you have to make yourself small. They celebrate you and your milestones. If a certian topic hits them some certian kind of way, they TALK TO YOU, no behind your back. Kinda like you all share eachothers highs and lows.
How about this; you take a step back and see how life feels with some distance between you and them? This might help you come to a decision about attending the shower or not.
My opinion: You would NOT be the AH!!!!!
As far a being a new mom and maybe feeling alone, you could try to find some mommy and me type program, neighborhood parenr groups, etc and see if that helps.
NTA
This person isn’t your friend. So you are completely relieved from going. I wouldn’t ghost them, but I would disengage and if they ask why you tell them like an adult. Their behavior was abysmal and cruel, they said awful things about your *baby*, and you’ve realized life is too short to have friends who treat you like an enemy.
(Fwiw, my husband I battled infertility for 20+ years. We never succeeded, even using a surrogate. It is excruciatingly painful to see everyone getting what you want most. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.**But that doesn’t mean you get to export your pain onto other people.** I avoided some baby showers, skipped Christmas with extended family once, but never, ever did I think another couple *that I was supposedly friends with* didn’t deserve their joy. I greeted and gifted and cared for their children for what they were – little, perfect versions of people I love. Actually, the more miscarriages I had the happier I was for people I love that they weren’t in my shoes. In my eyes, your “friend” ended this friendship when you were pregnant, it’s been a zombie friendship ever since.)
WTF?
NTA, but…. you need better friends. Don’t go to the shower. Don’t talk to them at all. Go make better friends.