my best friend of 10 years, we’ll call her Lucy, has been cat sitting for my husband and me for around year and a half. we pay her and let her / her partner stay in our apartment. most recently, she stayed for 2 weeks.
additional context: while she was there I left her 3 bags of clothes to keep which we talked about beforehand. these bags had the same type of clothing she later returned (pants, tops, pjs, etc.) so she had plenty she was welcome to take.
2 weeks after getting back from vacation, when Lucy and I were hanging out, she mentioned she had borrowed my Alo sweatpants while staying over and needed to return them. I didn’t know she had taken them, and she wouldn’t have known this, but they were a gift I’d only worn once.
A few days later I asked to get the sweatpants back and a pair of lulu leggings I knew she had from a few months earlier. when I got the clothes back another 2 weeks later, she brought out a huge bag of clothes, far more than I knew she had. some things were missing since last summer, some were new and never washed/worn, some were sentimental/vintage. they were clearly from multiple drawers and cabinets in my bedroom and closet, not things I willingly lent her.
since I also had left the 3 donate bags, I worried everything had gotten mixed together and it would be a guessing game to figure out what’s mine.
she apologized and told me to let her know if I could think of anything else I’m missing. over the next few weeks I asked about some specific items, including pants that went missing around the first time she cat sat (she had those too). she said next time i’m over I can look through her closet to see if she missed anything. at this point I had been trying to get my stuff back for around 6 weeks.
this was the message i sent:
“i need to be honest about how serious this feels to me
it doesn’t sit right that i would have to come search through your closet to figure out what of mine you took. over the past year and a half, you went through multiple drawers and cabinets in my home and took so many items without ever asking or telling me. some of these were things i had never worn/washed. some were gifts. some were sentimental or vintage and irreplaceable. i’ve also spent time thinking i lost certain items at yoga or in my building’s laundry, never once imagining that my friend, someone i trusted in my home, had taken them from me
i need the rest of my belongings returned. if you’re unsure if something is mine, send me a picture and I can let you know.
i just need space to process everything because i didn’t expect this at all while you were staying here and i am at a complete loss because i never thought you would be someone to violate my privacy in such a big way.”
she apologized and has since returned more items. the total is now around 25 pieces of clothing.
AITA for sending that message? Im worried that I should have worded it more nicely and that my directness could make me the A in this situation.
NTA. I don’t feel the message is harsh and you have even taken the time to explain WHY you’re feeling the way you are. I do suspect she might not want to cat sit in future though…
Why would you be an AH???
NTA
She took advantage of your trust and friendship. She stole from you while being paid to do a job in your home. You have the right to request your things back.
Be safe and change the locks and don’t leave her alone in your home again.
You handled it with politeness and class. You didn’t use bad or aggressive language make any threats or false accusations. I assume you didn’t try to ruin her social or professional life either with drama.
no i did not. if anything, i ended up with the brunt of it because I’m now the one out of the best friend trio for my message being “mean”
Let me guess she told the friend group a story she put spin on.
You can try to let the group know what actually happened, even show them the texts. Stress she went through your closet and dressers without your knowledge or permission and just took stuff. Now that you found them in her possession, you just asked for them to be returned.
If someone doesn’t understand how much of a violation that is, the person may need to mature before they can actually be friend material.
I tried and the friend said she understands & agrees what Lucy did was wrong but it’s not about the clothes and it’s about how mean my communication was in the message… sigh
It wasn’t mean. She probably understands that too. She most likely doesn’t want to have to find all the fault with the thief.
If she did, she may feel obligated to make an ethical or moral call. Those can be scary or uneasy. So to find fault with both sides, she’s probably hoping the dynamic doesn’t change or anything ends.
I don’t think it was mean at all. I think it was plainspoken and deeply honest in a manner that actually made you vulnerable, by talking about your feelings of being violated.
I think your friend’s *perception* that it was mean is coloured by the fact that the whole situation is deeply uncomfortable and involves two people that she cares about, and a lot of people (particularly those raised not to rock the boat) are uncomfortable realising that other people talk about how they feel honestly … it can come as a shock to them, and they can mistake that discomfort for the honest person being “mean”.
You weren’t harsh, and it was very, very clear that your intent was to approach Lucy thoughtfully while letting her know the impact of her behaviour, not just to “call her out” but to explain that what she did really upset you and felt like a violation of your privacy and reasonable personal boundaries.
Honestly, I think you communicated beautifully, and you should be proud of yourself. Hopefully once your other friend has had some time to process, she will realise that it isn’t “mean” to share your feelings honestly as long as you aren’t rude about it – a lesson that a lot of us take a while to learn.
NTA you did what you had to do by communicating your feeling, and it was clearly a disrespectful move to take your stuff without your consent, the dynamic of your friendship might change and i believe that’s just something to accept if it happens, either way NTA
NTA. Your “friend” stole from you and is making it your responsibility to tell her what she stole.
NTA.
This person is not your friend and is taking advantage of you.
I would find another cat sitter.
She’s stolen so much stuff from so many people she can’t remember what she took from each person.
Either that or she wants to try to snow OP one last time in caee she doesn’t remember.
NTA, she completely violated you & your home. This woman is a klepto & cannot be trusted. I think it’s time to find another cat sitter. This is also grounds for ending the friendship.
NTA
You need a new cat sitter.
It is completely inappropriate to go through another person’s home like that. I would not allow her alone in my home again. I wonder if other things besides clothes have gone missing… Money stashed in a drawer for emergencies, jewelry you thought you lost or misplaced….
This is a violation of your trust and privacy.
Edit to fix type o
car to cat