For context, I (17F) have step up high in my role as an older sister for my (8M) brother with autism since the day he was born. It started when I was 11, at first it was just babysitting him now for a bit of cash but as time passed by my parents began to leave my brother to me more often without any type of pay which quickly became a problem since my brother was only 2 years old at the time and would create chaos around the house and since my brother has autism he never really learned in how to communicate that much or listen to ending stressing me that much that I ended up developing depression and high anxiety. They have been going to therapy till this day.
The problem started last week when I was again stuck babysitting my brother since 8 am till 11 pm all alone, my mother kindly asked me to make my brother do his homework because he can’t do it by himself and I agreed on that. But since I was a college student and I’m on exams week, I quickly got distracted by my obligations with school and forgot. So when my mother arrived she asked me if I had helped my brother which I replay by saying that I had forgotten and she quickly snapped at me by saying that I was "irresponsible and lazy and that I don’t do anything all day but being lazy" that made my blood boil and snapped at her saying that I was the one cleaning the house, cooking, babysitting and sacrificing part of my social life for the family for no money or gratitudes over and that maybe I should stop doing those things because They’re clearly not appreciated by her.
She told me to "shut up and that it was my responsibility as an older sister to help around and that she was the one working two jobs to pay my stupid college and that I should be grateful" which only made me feel even more angry and unappreciated by her since I literally lost part of my teen years raising my brother alone. So I angrily told her that "maybe she shouldn’t have had another child if she was going to leave me to raise him alone" after saying that she told me to shut up and left offended but it left me with a weird feeling of unsatisfaction, am i the asshole?
sounds like you’re being stretched way too thin. it’s tough when people can’t see the sacrifices you’re making. maybe a family meeting is in order?
NTA. She needed to hear that.
If I were you, I’d be working up a plan to move out as soon as I turned 18 tbh.
Unfortunately i cant since they’re the ones paying for my college and because i cant really work since i have to take care of my brother every day of the week that’s part of the reason that made me snap at her.
NTA for wanting to be recognized but don’t expect it. Do it because you love your brother(if you do). You’re parents are taking advantage of you. You can either stop or keeping doing it your parents won’t change
YTA for snapping at her if she is working two jobs to pay for your college, but NTA for forgetting to help with homework with all your school work, if that’s true and you weren’t just scrolling or whatever.
Your mother is TA for calling you all those nasty things.
Once you graduate from college and leave the house, she will see how much she relied on you for help. And you will be free!
Another option for you is to see if you can live on campus or in a shared house if you get a job that covers your living expenses. Waitressing or cocktail waitressing jobs usually pay the most. If you get a job now, you will be able to afford it, plus less babysitting.
NTA – you’re accountable for how you handle things and you probably could have handled it differently, but this is not an equitable relationship: it’s a parent/child relationship with clear power differentials and a longstanding pattern.
OP: your university or college should have mental health resources that hopefully include hotlines and free or low cost access to mental health professionals. Time for you to be the adult you need and take advantage of the resources available to you because the situation you describe is complex, stressful, not uncommon, and definitely worthy of support so you’re not stuck handling it alone.
NTA being an older sister means helping sometimes, not being drafted into a full-time unpaid co-parent while also studying for exams.
Oh, OP. As a mom of kids your age and older, I am so sad for you. Of course, NTA!
It doesn’t look like your mom (or your dad?) is willing to open her eyes and see how much she has dumped on you. That’s because she doesn’t want to see herself as a poor parent… to BOTH of her children.
What’s worse is how easily she tells you to ‘shut up’. I had a few years of a fair amount of stressful conflict with my eldest (teen years autonomy), and we still didn’t ever tell each other ‘shut up’ as easily as your mom tells you. (Also didn’t like her saying ‘your stupid college’.)
She’s working two jobs – stressful, but not an excuse to talk to you that way. And while it may explain expecting SOME help from you with your brother, it – again – is not an excuse for overworking you and making it hard for you to complete your own studies.
Where is your dad in all of this?
I don’t know what to make of her ‘stupid college’ statement. Great that she expects you will go to college. Awful that she is resentful and dismissive of it. And I’m not sure your parents are really going to let you go to college away from home. And if you are home and attending a local school, I’m sure they will still demand far too much of your time to care for your brother.
Do what you can to get your best grades and get to a school away from your parents. I’m sure that, as long as you need some support from your parents, your mom/parents will impose upon your time with excessive demands to help your brother. You will have to stay strong and work hard to get free of their reliance on you. Keep clear in your mind and heart, that you are not an AH, that you are doing far more than you should have to, and that you deserve your own chance to build YOUR life.
NTA. To some degree it is reasonable to expect you to take part in your household’s responsibilities as you grow. But what is happening here is called parentification. Your brother is *not* you responsibility.
ESH She should not have called you lazy or disparaged your efforts. and it really sucks to not have your efforts acknowledged.
However, just like you’re feeling unappreciated, I think she’s also feeling unappreciated. Is it true that she’s working a second job to be able to pay for your college? Like, how much of your college is she paying, and how much time does this second job take up? Because she could just as easily say that if you can’t take on family responsibilities while she works that second job, then she’ll quit that job to do the family stuff, and you can get a job to pay for your college. Then you’d probably be worse off, because you couldn’t do your college stuff in between family stuff.
So really, you could both do better about being understanding for how the other person feels. Stress can bring out anyone’s crankiness. I hope that you can both have a good conversation about this when you’re each feeling better.
NTA. It wasn’t your decisions. It’s not your child. You should have a childhood and an education without having to do chores to earn it or raise a child not your own.
You’re 17 and it sounds like you’ve been doing a lot more than normal sibling help for years. Babysitting occasionally is one thing, but being responsible from 8am to 11pm while also dealing with school and exams is a lot for anyone. Wanting some appreciation for that is completely reasonable.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to raise your younger brother. That is your parents’ responsibility. 15 hours with a 7 year old with autism is too long for a 17 year old. I think you need to have a conversation with your parents about what you are willing to do. And 15 hours is not acceptable. He is their child. If they want time away, they arrange for another adult to help out.
I suggest strongly that you start thinking about living in a dorm for college. You have the right to an independent life other than being another caregiver for you younger brother.