I 30 (F) am married to my now husband 36 (M).
Backstory first. I am Canadian, and i currently live in Sweden where I met my husband. His family is great and has helped me a lot through the past few years when i needed it. We got married in July of 2025, and a lot of my family from Canada came to celebrate with us. Although it is a huge ”culture clash” we get along just fine. During the wedding week my brother commented how great it would be if my husband’s family came to Canada in the summer of 2026. My husband’s family talked about it, and thought it was a great idea too. Before we knew it his family paid for everyone’s tickets, and gave it as a christmas gift. Now this is 8 people. My husband, me, my son, his mother, father, brother, sister, and my step-daughter. This is the first time any of them have been to North America.
Here is where the problem begins. I only come home every couple years. This means that a lot of people would like to see me during the time we are there. We are only there two weeks. When i started to plan I realized this was a lot of people and only so little time to see everyone. My best friend wanted a whole day to shop and hang out like we used to, and my husband was okay with this. I planned to get a new tattoo at my hometowns tatttoo shop, and my husband said he would tag along to watch or keep me company. My husband is quite attached to me. Sitting in the same room with me even if we do not speak is comforting to him.
There have been culture clashes between our famillies in general, one family is seen as rude, the other is seen as rude because of the different countries cultures and how we live. Because of this my husband has brought up that he has no friends or safe space in Canada and being without me in a foreign country makes him upset and miserable.
The day i have planned with my best friend was okay when i ran it by my husband, but now that i am planning more days and more outings, he is getting more upset about the upcoming trip. He is unceratin he will not have any fun or a good time in Canada if i constantly leave his side. I explained that his family and mine are in good standing, and he could hang out with them. He told me that he cannot have a good decent conversation with my mother, my step father drinks a bit too much and makes him uncomfortable. He likes his own family, but he would rather be by my side instead.
I like my space, and to be free to come and go as a i please like i do at home. But being in a different country my husband is now upset with this, and wants me to bring him everywhere, except the one day we talked about. He feels that if you exclude a partner from an event or occasion it is seen as asshole behaviour, unless he chooses himself that he does not want to be involved. He expressed that by leaving him with my family to go and meet others and socialize with those i haven’t seen in years that i am an asshole. So reddit, am i the asshole?
YTA. His family is paying for your trip and you’ve decided to schedule yourself to spend full days with friends? **That** is the rude part. Go to lunch with your friend or a couple of friends. The expectation is that you’re going to spend time with his family and show them around.
YTA the BFF shopping trip was discussed and scheduled and that’s okay…. but continuing to make plans because OTHER people expect to see you instead of just saying this is a trip explicitly for my husband’s family and my family to share in our culture so I’m busy, but next time is rude.
One of my closest friends lives in France, if she comes home for a visit, if it’s just her, we make sure to make plans. If she is bringing her partner and his family, I may or may not get to see her and that’s okay.
You’re visiting home yes, but you are in this instance hostess to his family and will and should be socially expected to show them around to places special to you.
Soft YTA- if his entire family was invited because they want to get to know your side of the family, and there is tension between the families, you should really be there to help your husband navigate that situation. I think having one or two days to meet with friends on your own is fine, but if you have filled the entire trip with socializing that doesn’t include the family, that could be seen as you escaping the situation and leaving him to deal with all the tension. If you really want to see other people that bad, you should go a few days earlier or stay a little longer after his whole family leaves to do that. He doesn’t have to hang on you all the time, but I would be upset too if my partner had me go to his home country and then wanted to spend all the time with other people. It would make me feel unwanted.
A slight YTA because you are looking at this as YOUR personal vacation to see your people, and this trip is not for that. Come back another time on your own dime. You should be showing your husband’s family around so they can see where you came from. I’m sorry but you are being very selfish. Is there a way you could do what you want and bring your husband along? Have you asked them what they want to see?
Yta Honesty weird you want to go on a trip and ditch not only your new family but your husband? Super rude
You should have a party where all your friends can come to you. Save all of your personal one on one time for a solo trip
I think YTA here. It seems like the plan was made when he thought you two would be spending much more of the trip together and that was probably a major part of why he wanted to do it.
Why can’t he just come along on these additional activities? I’m sure the people you are going to see would love to meet your husband and experiencing those activities with you would be much more rewarding for him than spending time with either his or your family.
I too like my own time for visiting friends and family, which is why I plan separate trips for this. If you are having his family with you then you need to help plan activities and not just drop him with your family.
Can you either extend or stay a few days extra to do your own thing? Or cut short the extended family trip, but you stay longer. You could also help figure out some things for them to do without you and then meet up later. Going with YTA because you know this about him and didn’t discuss before plans were made. While you are clearly comfortable on your own you know he isn’t and don’t seem to be doing much to help.
YTA. Your husband has expressed that he is uncomfortable being alone in this country, which to him is foreign. Your response is to plan more things away from him. I’m not saying you should be glued together at the hip, but this is not a compassionate response. One day was okay, but it sounds like you’re planning to leave him alone most of the time. That is inconsiderate and rude. Why can’t he come with you to hang out with these people? If you want to spend time with all these people, plan a solo trip so husband can stay home.
Why wouldn’t you include your husband in the additional outings? Don’t you want him to meet your friends and see your life in your home town?
I’m not saying he has to do everything with you, but you sound like you don’t want husband to do anything with you except visit with or hang out family.
Are you planning anything with him and his family? It’s your hometown, so are you taking everyone sightseeing or to any cool places?
This seems to be a family trip not a catch up with every person you know back home trip.
Need more info for judgment
Of course YTA in this scenario. Unfortunately, this trip is not about you. Its a family trip meant to mesh two families that clearly sound like they do not get along, hopefully because they don’t know eachother at this point. You are essentially hosting his family in a foreign country on your family’s invitation. This is not the time to be getting tattoos and seeing a friend all day. You have parents and kids involved, and the intention was for everyone to visit your home. Most all of your usual “me” plans need to become “we” plans for 8 people of varing ages and temperaments. You have kids to entertain, people to introduce, places to show. Take an alone trip later for your needs because what you are describing sounds selfish and truly out of touch with uniting your families and harmonizing your cultures.
YTA.
Ditching him for a day so you can spend time with your friend sounds fine, but leaving him while you run around is kinda jerky.
Why can’t you make plans that include everyone? Go see the sights, do the touristy things, etc. Going off to do your own things and leaving them all at home to fend for themselves is pretty selfish behavior.
A day or two with friends, sure.
But hus family literally gave you all tickets to get to know eachother. Like they have helped you when you were new, you should be as welcoming to them and spend time with the whole family as a group mostnof the time, not hangout with friends and catch up with other people.
Kinda YTA
YTA. You are turning this into a trip for you instead of a trip with his family which is what it is supposed to be and you aren’t paying for it. Extend your trip and stay alone or plan a separate trip.
YTA.
This is something I’ve struggled with previously too, but when you take your significant other and possibly his family home to visit your folks, you can’t do your usual routine. You are not there to enjoy your visit the way you usually would (meeting with friends etc) but you are now their tour guide and their host in a way. You have to go with them, show them stuff even if it’s sights/whatever that you have seen a 100 times before, even if you don’t really have the time/budget/etc to come back and do your usual routine soon after the visit.
You said it: it’s a family trip, not your personal travelling.