I’m (35) part of a friend group that’s mostly on discord since we’re scattered across the world.
Two members (Sam (36) and Alex (34)) are mods.
Saturday we did a group movie watch for a film Sam really wanted to share with everyone. It took days to schedule which bummed Sam out, however I was on board from the go, even when I realized a soccer game I wanted to see would be on at the same time. I said I’d watch the game on mute.
Saturday rolls around and I made two comments about the game – one saying I had hoped it would be a boring game (before the movie started) and one saying ‘hey my team won!’ (during the movie about 30 min in). i was excited and it was important to me.
I participated throughout about 3/4 of the movie with normal comments about scenes, characters, and tropes. With 30 min left, Alex DMs saying my comments are "coming off combative," that I hurt Sam’s feelings, and to tone it down. I was confused but said okay apologized and didn’t talk the rest of the movie. I did not DM Sam bc i was exhausted, actually focused on the movie and really didn’t know what i would be apologizing for.
Sunday, Alex reaches out to "clarify." Says again Sam’s feelings were hurt. I apologized but said I didn’t understand what I said that was hurtful. I left the convo feeling i had been targeted for not enjoying the movie "right." I posted a vague subtweet on social media and used no names, places, or things, just a general frustration about feeling disliked. I deleted it later bc it felt silly.
Monday, Sam messages directly. They say "i act like i can’t stand them and that they don’t have feelings", I have a "mean girl attitude" and that i was "negging the movie the whole time." Also they said someone else messaged them during the movie concerned about my comments.
Their "examples": mentioning the soccer game and a joke made before the movie about a not getting feelings for a minor character from a cancelled tv show we all like.
I went back through every comment I made. I took screenshots to make sure I didn’t miss something.
They were mostly positive bc I was enjoying the movie until the DM. And I can see how mentioning soccer might’ve seemed like not being fully present, but I couldnt find anything combative or suggesting I act like they don’t have feelings.
I messaged Sam back saying I went over everything and asked again to please clarify because i can’t figure out what was so mean to warrant this reaction. I had been aware how important this was to Sam and had actively monitored my comments. So I asked if they could share which specific comments hurt them so I could understand, maybe the time stamp from when the person reached out to them about me so i could see what i was saying around then.
Sam said they already gave examples, that I’m ignoring their feelings, and I "lack humility." Ended by calling my subtweet "extremely foul" and refusing further discussion.
AITA for asking for specific examples when I genuinely don’t understand?
NTA. You asking for a specific example of what you supposedly did wrong isn’t being combative, it’s just trying to figure out the rules of the game you didn’t know you were playing.
NTA . You need better friends or you should go all in and completely fucking crush their souls and then say “ that was an example of me being mean . How the hell do you pussys function in the real world ?”
NTA sounds like they just don’t care for your personality, which sucks and I’m sorry. It’s a shame they can’t communicate better in order to let you know exactly what the issue is. Time for new friends imo
NTA but also: I had to go back and double check everyone’s ages because this seems like wild behaviour from people in their 30s.
The subtweet almost made me go more toward everyone sucks, because again: you guys are adults, that is teenager stuff.
Have online friends, have a group chat, discuss the things you like! but for everyone getting this wrapped up in their feelings about the specific tone of messages, of not participating/enjoying the movie “correctly” or “enough”, and then everyone being passive aggressive about it sounds exhausting and not worth the time and energy at all.
you get it, i felt it was important to add ages because this feels so juvenile to me. the only reason im bringing this to reddit is bc their comments about my character was kinda intense and i feel like im missing something.
This seems exhausting. Find new friends if they can’t handle “My team won!” comments.
You are all grownass adults and friends. If Sam is upset they should be able to speak to you directly and privately about it without involving other group members. If this a normal course of events for these Discord movie get togethers you need to find new friends as these people sound exhausting, Sam especially.
Friends who communicate primarily by text or chat should realize that it can be difficult to interpret attitude and tone making misunderstandings more likely to occur. Extending some level of grace to these communications is something a true friend would do.
I’m going to rule NTA. Whatever you said you apologized for it and stayed silent for the rest of the movie. What more is Sam expecting from you here? In the end it’s just a movie and everyone is entitled to their opinion of it.
NTA
They sound exhausting. Who wants to be monitored like this? I suggest you find some new friends and move on from this group. There’s got to be healthier options out there.
NTA, but these sorts of interactions are a common issue when your social group is communicating in text. If you had all been sitting together in someone’s living room, watching together, it would be so much easier; you have social cues (frowns, laughter, nudging, avoiding eye contact, snickering, etc) that help you understand each other person’s meaning. And in person meet ups help you know to stop saying things percieved to be mean-spirited, because you’ll know how your comments hit.
If you continue with this group, be a bit more verbose in online chats. Add in emoticons, adjectives, asides that clarify your intention. As an exercise, reread your comments and think about any possible negative interpretation, then mentally rewrite it to make certain it has a tone that fits with the group. Practice makes perfect, and if you really care the results will pay you back for the effort.
NTA But… you do need to go back and read your comments in context. There is always someone in the group who’s clearly just posting without reading everyone else’s comments. Your comments may not seem bad to you, but they could be badly timed, be repeating something someone else already said, or frequently simply ignoring what is going on in the chat. If you are doing that and commenting on a soccer game you’re watching at the same time, you’re kinda the AH.