I feel like such a garbage person for even typing this out but then again the thought of not doing this makes me feel even worse, so I’m leaving it up to the internet to decide. Throwaway, for obvious reasons.
I M25 grew up in Los Angeles. I dabbled in modeling and spent my formative years going to gay clubs. Being a gay man in LA is hard because most young gay men are extremely picky and judgemental. You go to those clubs and unless it’s like a niche club everyone looks basically the same–washboard abs, perfect teeth, etc.
My boyfriend “Kyle” M26 is like the opposite of that. He grew up closeted in a small midwestern town and played basketball in college so had to stay closeted through that. He’s had a hard life but has this happy to be here mentality that I love. We visit LA in a couple weeks and he’s been dying for me to show him some of my favorite spots from my youth.
Herein lies the issue–Kyle doesn’t EXACTLY look the part. He’s mostly attractive and fit, and his height helps him dearly, but he’s got an unfortunate scar on his cheek and his nose and teeth are crooked. He has a bit of a belly that isn’t noticeable in normal clothes but he picked out this insanely painted on looking shirt he wants to wear that completely exposes it. I wouldn’t change him for the world. I LOVE his quiet confidence and mostly I just find his flaws endearing, but I’m worried the community down there will tear him to shreds, and I’m not sure he understands that. Everyone thinks that because they’re gay it’s all about acceptance but they’re wrong. I’ve seen gorgeous men get turned away because they don’t fit the aesthetic to a T.
I know Kyle will be able to handle the rejection but I just don’t want him to. He has this idea in his head that LA is such an accepting place and that going there will heal his inner child and I don’t want him to be let down.
My question is, would I be the asshole if I basically spent the whole time we’re in LA steering him away from the clubs or going to less exclusive ones? Would I be MORE of an asshole if I didn’t say anything and just let Kyle be disappointed and see for himself how cruel and judgemental people are?
YTA. You claim you’re protecting his inner child when you’re really just projecting your own insecurities onto him. The way you dissected his “flaws” in this post says more about how you see him than how strangers at a club will. He’s a grown adult. Let him decide what he can handle. If you’re worried, just tell him the LA club scene can be shallow and let him choose anyway. But trying to control the experience for him is worse than letting him see it for himself.
Yta
This is patronizing. Just tell him the truth and see if he still wants to risk judgment for the sake of seeing another culture and attempting to have a good time. Don’t treat him like a child and decide what’s best for him.
YTA WOW you focused a lot on his “flaws”. Sure as hell don’t tell him any of the shit you said here, that would destroy him. And honestly, how do you know all these places are like that?
YTA
Even eXcLuSiVe clubs have ugly people in them. Your boyfriend will be fine.
YTA. He’s an adult capable of making his own decisions. Right or wrong, you just stay by his side.
Evenmore, why does he need to worry about any rejection of he has you as bf already??? He doesn’t need any acceptance in the first place. It’s just going out for fun.
I think you’re letting your early age insecurities get in the way here.
He’s not going to the club to pick up a guy, right? So why does it matter if he’s not perfect. Take one night.
If y’all are already dating, in what scenario are you worried about him being rejected? I would feel like my partner was more embarrassed of me than trying to protect me if I was him reading this post. Besides, even if someone else does treat him different, that’s a reflection on them and gives you the opportunity to show your character and step up to support your partner. If it’s bad then y’all leave together, simple as.
I’m guessing he means rejected at the door by the bouncer. “You’re too ugly to party on here.” Or does that only happen in movies?
Info: I am a straight female troll so I have never been to one of these clubs. exactly what form dos “tearing him to shreds” take? Are you worried that he won’t get in? That people will shriek “uggo!” when they see him on a dance floor? That they will whisper about him?
I’m just trying to figure out exactly what you are worried will happen to destroy his inner child—I genuinely don’t know.
What qualifies you to make these statements? How do you know that your methods here will create a learning experience?
I think you want to ‘baby’, coddle, protect this person. I don’t think you are at all interested in wisdom yielding events. What do you think?
Yikes. I hope I never get a boyfriend like you.
YTA
YTA you both are adults. He can decide for himself if he wants to go. He isn’t going to look for a hook up and I assume you will be there with him. All I would say is that the clubs there are rather shallow and tend to have “certain” look to them. If wants to go then go and quit worrying what strangers in a club will think
YWBTA
So I’m not intimately familiar with the club scene but I do understand that gay men can place *a lot* of emphasis on appearance. I think it’s sweet that you want to protect him but it’s important to remember that he is a grown adult who is capable of making his own choices and deciding if he wants to expose himself to the potential negativity or not and it’s not up to you to make that decision for him.
It’s a good idea to talk to him and tell him very explicitly “The men in these clubs tend to have a very specific and unrealistically high standard of attractiveness and they may be kind of catty to someone who doesn’t meet them. If you want to go these places, go with that understanding.”
At that point, you’re giving him a heads up so he doesn’t go in blind. Trying to steer him away from these places just makes it seem like you know better than him what’s good for him.
YTA
Not everyone is this insecure. You’re projecting a LOT on him.
I am mid attractive. I’ve been to parties and on vacation with all models. And my inner child was fine. I don’t hang all my self esteem on looking like a model.