Title says it all. I am 2 months postpartum. My husband was off for several weeks with me and is now back at work.
Our baby has had significant feeding issues and it’s hard on both of us. It used to take her over an hour to feed, now we’ve reduced it to about 40 minutes.
Today he kept emphasizing how lucky I am that he helps out with some of the overnight feeds, and how lucky I am that I get to stay home with the baby while he works. I got irked because before our baby came along, he would comment that he liked a system a couple friend of ours developed (husband takes a 7-1am shift, wife takes 1-6am, so they both get adequate sleep). We do it in reverse, where he goes to sleep at 9pm, and takes over at 3am after me. I often end up staying up after the first feed between 9pm-12am, because I’m pumping and sometimes our baby is fussy, and by the time I finish tidying things there isn’t much time to nap in between feeds.
Anyways, his comment irked me because I assumed that he agreed that a father is obligated to help out, I don’t think it’s something extra that he’s doing that I should be grateful for. I could tell he got irritated by my reaction, he said most men just let their wives do the night shifts (to me that’s an old school mentality and I don’t really see that happen with couples I know). He also never seems particularly grateful for anything I do and says what I do is easier. He works for a cushy tech job, which has its stressers, but he’s not operating any heavy machinery or saving lives where he needs to be constantly alert.
I offered to swap our feeds and copy how our friends do it so he can take the first shifts and I’ll take the nights, I just want to get some uninterrupted sleep. He said no because he wants to work out in the morning. Before birth he kept telling people how he’s better with lack of sleep but now he’s getting a nice 6 hours uninterrupted (I care for the baby downstairs by choice so it’s quiet for him) while I wake up during his feeds because he stays in the bedroom, and I also get up once to pump during his shift, so I’m getting about 4 patchy hours. He keeps saying I could sleep during the day and he can’t, but I’m pumping and tending to the baby and it’s hard to get any real sleep.
AITA for my reaction and getting annoyed for him wanting me to be more grateful?
NTA
Do you have an impartial third person you can talk to about this disparity in child care? Because if he thinks that he’s doing all he can to support you. Postpartum and you’re only getting 4 hours of sleep, he needs somebody who can explain it to him in terms he will never forget.
His mother. Your mother, a therapist, a best friend who has a child, somebody has to enlighten this man that him choosing which time frame of sleep he gets and him choosing what time frame of child care he provides needs to be a discussion and not a one-sided decision.
He doesn’t need an explanation. What he needs is to swap jobs with her for a day or two. During those 8 hours of the day, she goes elsewhere so he can experience the full scope of “how easy her job is.” He’ll be begging to give that baby back.
Yes this is what I did. Although I actually stayed away about 48 hours to stay with my mum for a break. My husband now does not complain. And regularly now tells me I should take more time for me.
Working out is a luxury, big no to that while youre in newborn trenchs.
Id die on this hill
Yep as soon as I saw the “he likes to workout in the morning” I was like NOPE.
wait. you spent the last 8 weeks recovering from a major abdominal event, organ realignment, hormonal fluctuations, and he’s bitching about how HE needs more sleep after he took time off for vacation? and you are still dealing with breastfeeding, your inconsistent sleep schedule AND caring for a newborn. He is out of his mind if he thinks you are lucky. you know what WOULD make you lucky? if you had a partner who took care of his half of the work and shut his mouth. NTA
fwiw. ‘even one night of 4 hours can impair cognitive function and metabolism; while rare “short sleepers” exist, for the vast majority, this significantly increases risks for chronic health issues like heart disease, diabetes, and weakened immunity, and negatively impacts focus and mood’.
NTA. Sounds like your husband had a romantic notion or idea of what childcare would be before yall were thrown in the trenches with a newborn and now that life is hard he’s grumpy and lashing out.
Nothing pisses me off more than people without kids saying you can just sleep when your kids sleep so your husband saying you can ‘just sleep during the day’ has got me seeing red.
You are not the asshole, you are caring for a newborn and also trying to accommodate your husband’s scheduling desires. Therapy is warranted for him to deal with the disconnect he’s feeling so this seed of resentment doesn’t continue to grow.
I can see where he feels a little jealous that you get to stay home and he has to work. But he is definitely off base with his telling you how lucky you are that he helps with the night shift. Because that is just so 40 years ago! That would totally irk me too.
I like the other person’s suggestion to get someone else to straighten him out because he won’t hear it coming from you.
NTA. have a conversation with him about how much work the baby is. He is acting like you do nothing when you literally produce food for the baby. If babies could take care of themselves there would be no need for child care. Write down all the times you wake up to feed and what you do during the day and show home it isn’t as easy as he thinks. You both are adjusting to a new normal. You should also sleep in your bed. I know you are tryi mg to be nice and be down stair while he sleeps but if he isn’t doing that for you then you don’t need to do it for him. If you are trying to keep things quiet and save him from a fussy baby he won’t know understand why you aren’t sleeping.
NTA, but your husband is an inconsiderate one.
First of all, he needs to take the baby out of the room to not disturb you while you’re sleeping, just like you do for him.
I’d also review what other housework contributions he’s making. Why are you up past your allocated ‘sleep time’ tidying things, why can’t he do any chores in his time?
And whatever you do, DO NOT let him tell you that running errands/grocery shopping on your own without the baby is ‘time off’ for you. No. Time off is when you get to choose what you want to do, FOR YOU, without the baby. Like he already gets to do with working out in the mornings.
NTA. But have you seen lactation yet for the feeding issues? My second one took forever to feed, like literally nursed for 2 hours at one point while sleeping for part of it, and it turned out that he had a lip and tongue tie. And after they clipped them feedings got a lot faster.
We’ve seen two privately, and one at the hospital. We’re also seeing other professionals. The frustrating part is no one can agree. Osteopath thinks it’s a tongue tie, the physiotherapist and pedestrian do not. She was in the NICU for two days after inhaling fluid on her way out. The LCs didn’t help much. Her jaw is recessed and she was very tense (big baby that was squished in utero). We’ve worked out most of the body kinks at physio but feeding is still tedious. She seems to chew and doesn’t suck. I really hope it’s not neurological. We’re not quite sure what’s happening.
Nta. Your husband is a giant ah. He should be eternally grateful you ever agreed to carry his child to full term and birth it. Taking some of the night shifts is literally the bare minimum effort. He can skip his morning workout from now on and keep the baby so you can actually get some damn sleep. He is not a partner to you.
There’s not much you can do about having to pump every few hours so you unfortunately will get only a few hours of sleep at a time but he can help more and stop with the “being grateful” comments. Staying at home with the baby is harder than his tech job. Ask him to do his shift downstairs so that he doesn’t wake you when you’re sleeping and that will likely help out A LOT. I sense resentment because you’re being considerate of him but he’s not reciprocating.
Caring for a newborn is truly a team effort so if you guys continue to split all duties into designated time frames, you’ll constantly be comparing your time to the other person. It’s all about checks and balances that way. Maybe try doing more to care for the baby together? My husband and I did that for years and it was amazing. We never got mad at the other because we were changing diapers, doing bath time, and feedings together. The overnights one of us would feed and try to get our baby down while the other slept and we just switched off each time (unless one of us was already awake). If I had to get up to pump, he would soothe the baby or change a diaper so that I felt supported and didn’t have to do both while he snoozed away.
Also, as the baby gets older, it will not know “now is mamas time, later is dads”. They will likely want one of you specifically to soothe them. That’s just how it works.