I (35F) and my wife (38F) are Foster Parents. We are expecting our newest placement tomorrow, three siblings, a boy who is 8, a girl who is 12 and a girl who is 15. They have been placed in longterm Foster Care with no plans for reunification meaning they will likely be with us for the remainder of their childhood. I won’t go into details to protect their privacy but they’ve been through it.
Given how long we are likely to have them my wife and I had a shopping trip to get the house ready for them. We always stock up with a new placement to help them feel more at home but this time we went further than before. We got given some information about them and their likes so for the 8 and 12 year old we got a switch 2, Pokopia, Animal Crossing New Horizons, and Pokémon Legends: Z-A. For the 15 year old we got a Laptop and an iphone. It was a bit of an expense but we want to help them settle in.
My Brother and SIL came with us on the shopping trip as we needed all the hands we could have to bring all the food home we got, as well as essentials for hygiene, new bedding, and anything else we could think of to make it an easier transition for them. I mentioned the electronics we got too because when we got them my Brother and SIL were shocked and made some comments about how it was a huge expense for kids we were "Just" fostering, and how if we were making that kind of purchase it should go to their daughter (13F) as she’s my actual blood. My brother even suggested they take the switch 2 and swap it for their daughters switch lite.
I got pissed off at this and called them cruel assholes for thinking blood mattered in this and it was their job to buy their daughter expensive gifts like that not ours. Just like we’d not expect them to buy expensive stuff for any of the kids we have ever fostered. They insisted this was different, that they weren’t really our kids. My wife pointed out how it’s entirely possible we might end up adopting these children due to their situation and that even if we weren’t how we spend our money is our business.
My wife and I ended up packing up our purchases ourselves after they left saying I was out of line and they were "just saying" My brother also made a snide comment about how he’d accept my apology when I made it. I don’t know if i’m just being more snappish because i’m worried about the kids and how they might settle in, was I out of line? My wife feels I was perfectly reasonable and to let them apologise, that I shouldn’t be the one to do so, but of the two of us she’s always the more harsh when it comes to drawing lines and boundaries. So, AITA?
EDIT: Yes this is a throwaway as I don’t want this on my main reddit for privacy reasons.
NTA
Please, please, please go on being the awesome people you are and don’t let AH like your brother question your values.
You are opening your hearts (and wallets) to 3 kids who clearly need it. That is what good people do.
You brother is a selfish AH, who can’t believe anyone would ever be that generous to strangers. He lives in a little world of his own making and he’ll always be limited by it.
DO NOT apologize. You have nothing to apologize for.
As a former foster parent I wouldn’t have been in a rush to buy expensive items, the kids should also take in typical kid activities like shopping.
It would’ve been a nice experience for them to pick out the items they liked instead of it already being in the house.
I think your family members are assholes though.
Oh we absolutely plan to do that too don’t worry for more stuff, like additional games, books, toys, really whatever they want to help them feel more like this is their space. We just wanted to have some things we know they’d like there right away to help out at the initial stage. We like to take our foster kids shopping a few days after they arrive so they have time to settle in slightly though lets be real it takes far more than a few days.
nta. be careful letting these two around your kids, watch what they’re saying where they could hear.
I’ve adopted two children.
NTA. Full stop. They were cruel assholes.
NTA.
Your brother’s cheapskate ass can’t afford to buy shits for her own daughter and expect freebies from you. Narcissistic behavior
NTA. Your brother and SIL sure are, though.
As you said, it’s your money. It’s amazing how many people feel entitled to another person’s money.
I hope the kiddos settle in well.
i think this may be karma farming. but assuming it’s not, thank you for fostering.
i think the “gifts” are good natured and you absolutely do not owe it to your brother and sil to purchase anything for their kid. that being said, i think it’s inappropriate to frame these things you bought as gifts for the kids, especially before having even met them once. don’t present them to the foster kids as gifts. tell them that they are things of yours that they are welcome to use. that feels more appropriate and less likely to be overwhelming and put pressure on any party. and if they do end up with you long term, you can gift them at that point.
absolutely not karma farming lol. And you’re correct it’s not like we’re going to have them sitting on their beds with bows. That can make children feel indebted/uncomfortable. Instead we’re setting everything up tonight and framing it as theirs to use as needed, it’s partly why we got multiple games, as a single game sitting there seems like an swift purchase, and the laptop/phone will be framed as for schoolwork and for contact as she is old enough to use it responsibly. After a while it will be made clear to them it’s theirs regardless.
Nta
If God forbid their kid went in foster care would they want their kid to get the lesser stuff because she wasn’t blood to the people taking care of her?
Greedy turkeys
Are these immigrant kids by chance? Perhaps UCs? NTA regardless but the terminology was a hint, continue to be gentle with them whoever these kids may be 🫶🏽
I’m sorry your brother & his wife are such rude, entitled, viciously immature assholes.
NTA
NTA
Keep them away from those 3 kids coming to your home.
They have been through a lot and dont need to be exposed to an “aunt and uncle” type who resent them for existing in your home because they think their kid is entitled to your money.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
NTA but your brother and SIL might be. Actually, change “might be” to “are”. They are TA.
Kudos to you for being kind human beings and also for going above and beyond. These kids may have been through it but they’re landing in a safe and loving space. May this transition be as painless as possible for all of you. 🙏🙏🙏