I (25F) need some perspective because I feel like I might be a huge asshole for even thinking this, but I’m really conflicted.
Some background: I went into care as a kid and lived with my siblings for a while. One of my siblings (17F) has learning disabilities and autism, which means she’ll need care for the rest of her life. My mom is currently her primary caregiver, but I’m worried about what happens after my mom passes.
I’ve worked really hard to get out of a toxic family situation. I have a stable job now and I’m trying to build a life for myself. I know that realistically, when my mom is gone, a lot of people will expect me to take responsibility for my sibling. And honestly, I don’t know if I want to.
My sibling doesn’t really like me. She has said hurtful things, including that she would want me not to be around, if you know what I mean. My mom even has a fear of leaving me alone with her because she worries my sibling could act violently. I don’t necessarily believe this would happen, but it does make me feel like my sibling doesn’t actually like me.
At the same time, I do feel really sorry for her, it’s not her choice to be born with these challenges, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m terrified of dedicating my whole life to being her caregiver. It’s not just emotional; it’s financial too. My mom has no savings, so the burden would likely fall on me. My father is in the picture, but he’s a drug addict and isn’t a reliable source of support.
Adding to my stress, my sibling isn’t supposed to have any contact with my father, but my mom insists on it. She excludes me from almost all decision-making until she needs help. She has repeatedly told me to stay out of it, insisting that she’s her mother and knows best, even though I lived with them while we were in care and have seen the development of her disability firsthand.
I feel guilty because I should be willing to care for her, but I also feel like it’s unfair. My mom never really had the means to care for all of us, our house was tiny, and my sibling is the youngest of three. I’ve already put so much effort into creating a life outside of the family’s chaos, and the thought of giving that up completely scares me.
So Reddit, AITA for feeling conflicted about potentially not wanting to dedicate my life to being my sibling’s caregiver?
I forgot to mention \*\*\* my mum can’t read or write English, she barely speaks it. So I’m the one translating everything etc
Walk away.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to being your sister’s keeper. If it was something that you wanted to do and were in a position to do, that is of course a great thing, however, you are under no obligation. While she is still there, your mother needs to make solid plans. She needs to make plans for what happens after, and likely should be considering getting her into semi-independent living before she passed. That way, she will know that she will be taken care of and it will be better for the sister. Also, having autism or a learning disability is not an excuse for acting violently or making threats. Yes, people with differing perceptions of the world will react differently to stimulate, however there is no excuse for the behavior.
NTA. Feeling conflicted about becoming a lifelong caregiver doesn’t make you a bad person.
NTA — your feelings are reasonable given the situation and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to care for your siblings, that’s your parents’ job. It’s completely understandable that you want to be focused on building your own life. That said, I understand the guilt and internal conflict you might be feeling. Other than a history of instability, is there a reason you feel like you may need to dedicate your life to caring for your sister in the near term, or is this more a long term or what if kind of worry? If there are immediate or near term concerns, are there any older more stable relatives that might be able to step in?
Ultimately, if and when you are faced with potentially having to care for your sister, you’ll have to make whichever decision you feel you can live with and only you can answer that. Just know that choosing to walk away and choosing yourself and your own life is a valid choice despite any judgment others may assign to you.
NTA, your not obligated to take care of her.
NTA
> I should be willing to care for her
Who told you this? She’s not your child. I’m sorry; I know it’s harsh, and I know plenty of people love their siblings like this, but it’s not a fact of life that her care is your responsibility. Additionally, she doesn’t like or respect you. “Learning disabilities and autism,” could have a lot of different presentations, but she’s still a person, ideally with some degree of bodily autonomy, and I doubt she wants you to be her caretaker either if she truly doesn’t like you.
That being said, she’s 17; she could just be really emotional and mad at life right now, but you’re certainly not the asshole for being worried about it regardless. I mean, I’m disabled and so is my fiance. We both deeply love one another, but caretaking is hard. Anyone who tells you “love conquers all,” hasn’t fought more than a strong gust of wind in their life.
I completely agree with you. I know she’s not my child, but at the end of the day, she is still my sibling, and I do love her. I guess the thing is, I’ve never really built a personal relationship with her or my other siblings. I only lived with her for about five years of our time in care, so I don’t have that attachment that maybe others have.
I also agree that her learning disabilities and autism aren’t really the reason behind her feelings toward me. Honestly, it seems more like she’s seeking validation—wanting to feel prettier or more liked than others—and unfortunately, people keep feeding into that. I’ve even told family members not to, and to discipline her when necessary, but they don’t. They just treat her like “she’s disabled, so she can do what she wants,” which I can’t agree with. Having lived with her, I really understand what her disability actually entails.
And yeah… my family tends to have this mindset that life is easy, or that “God will provide” and it’s all meant to be. When I’ve tried to bring up practical concerns—like limiting children or preparing for care—they just say it was “God’s will,” which is a whole other story.
But anyway, thank you for saying all of that. It’s reassuring to hear someone else acknowledge how complicated this is, and that I’m not the arsehole for caring but also recognizing my limits.
NTA. You are not capable of giving her the stability she needs because of her hostility. Even if you WANTED to do it, it wouldn’t actually be good for her. It’s not good for you either, you primarily shouldn’t do it for that reason, but you don’t need to feel guilty.
Let me be clear, this would be the right choice even if it was an entirely selfish decision. It just so happens to also be what’s best for her.
That’s true. But idk, it’s just the what if she’s placed w someone who doesn’t care about her when I know I would
In that case I would suggest contacting whatever your area has for Adult Protective Services and speak with someone qualified who knows the laws around it about becoming her eventual Guardian, but not caretaker. If you were both in care for a while you could also talk to her caseworker about it. There are options that would allow you to ensure her safety and security without being her actual caretaker. The further ahead those plans are put in place, the easier they will be on both of you. But Reddit cannot help you with that. AITA for *sure* cannot help you with that. You are not the asshole and you won’t be even if you never speak to her again, but doing the right thing is more complex than just ‘not the wrong thing’.
Only you can make your choices now. You’re an adult, that truth is both the best and the worst thing about it. Just take what comfort you can in knowing that you will never be the asshole for deciding to step away from this. Caretaking is hard, never-ending, thankless, exhausting work. The nature of it can destroy even healthy bonds. This situation is starting several steps behind that at best. I would advise you against taking that work on with things as they are. You’ll stress yourself into an early grave and it *still* won’t help long term.
“She excludes me from almost all decision-making until she needs help.”
Don’t get involved in decision-making – that just makes it look like you are willing to take on the responsibility for caring for your sister. Nip all that in the bud right now, so no one is surprised when you don’t end up becoming her primary caregiver.
NTA-you need to live your life. If you agree to care for her, you will regret it.
NTA. You do not owe your family your time, money or care. You do not have to give up your life for another simply because they are a sibling. It is nice to do, but isn’t something you are obligated to do, particularly if there are family complications and behavioral issues.
NTA
When your mother passes, your sibling will need to be in a residential program of some sort. Your responsibility will be to work with the sibling’s social worker to find a good place and to keep an eye on her situation.
She may chose to not cooperate with this process, but that is her choice. You do not need to have her live with you and be her caretaker.