I used to work with a group of colleagues who eventually became close friends. One of them, a female friend, was someone I trusted a lot. I treated her almost like a younger sister since I don’t have a sister or cousins who feel like sisters. I often tried to help her when she needed it, and sometimes even asked my partner to help her with errands or emergencies.
During our friendship, she often encouraged me to be honest with her. She would say things like “be straightforward with me” and that she preferred hearing the truth, even if it hurt, so she could grow from it. Because of that, I believed being direct with her was okay.
At one point, I was going through some personal issues and told her I needed some time to deal with things quietly. Around that time, she asked how I was doing and I replied briefly. Later, I found out she had told another friend in our group (a male friend) that she believed I had some kind of hidden animosity toward her and that my behavior was “too much to handle” and was giving her anxiety.
Some of my actions didn’t align with her personal values, but they came from a place of wanting to support and protect her as a friend. I never intended to make her uncomfortable. I also understand that my behavior may have affected her differently than I intended.
What hurt me the most was that she said she didn’t want to talk to me because she believed I would try to fix things. She even gave the male friend permission to send me screenshots of their conversation so I would know how she felt.
Reading those messages devastated me. Since she clearly said she didn’t want to communicate with me, I respected that. I sent one final message saying I understood and that I would step away from the friendship, and then I cut contact.
After that, the rest of the group gradually stopped talking to me as well. Even though we still worked in the same place, there were times when they would talk and laugh about things while I was nearby, and it often felt like I was the subject of their jokes. When I needed to communicate with them for work-related matters, I sometimes felt like I was treated as if I was the problem.
About eight months later, they suddenly messaged me on my birthday as if nothing had happened. I didn’t really engage and just reacted with a heart emoji.
Two weeks later, the two female friends messaged me asking if I wanted to meet them for coffee. They didn’t apologize and simply asked if I wanted to meet. I also found out through a mutual friend that the male friend involved in the original situation doesn’t know about the invitation, and they seem to want to keep it from him.
Apparently they want to talk and try to reconcile, but after everything that happened I honestly don’t feel comfortable meeting them anymore.
AITA for refusing to meet them for coffee?
Nta. These people hurt you without trying to work through it and you don’t owe them anything. Though part of me wonders if there’s more going on behind the scenes and that’s why they’re reaching out to you. My curiosity aside, you don’t owe them anything.
I’m having the same thoughts. I’m also wondering: why now, when everything is so peaceful on my part? Since that day, every time I go to sleep, that’s the last thing I think about. 😳
NTA But I’m pretty sure the male friend is causing the hostile work environment against you . I’m nosy af and would only attend the meeting for intel in case he’s planning more bs. Not going is a healthier option.
NTA
NTA. Stay away from them. If they are that fickle they will do other things later on, either to you or someone else. Keep growing and cultivating new friends away from work.
NTA, they cut you off for no reason, don’t let them get to you now.
NTA. My guess is they now see what she did.
NTA
They are either nosy and looking for the real tea or they will run back to the office clique and talk about you and everything you say.
NTA. Sounds like a bunch of teenagers working their first job.
Thank you so much. Now I have clarity on why they might have asked me for a coffee.
“she believed I had some kind of hidden animosity toward her and that my behavior was “too much to handle” and was giving her anxiety.”
You may not like to hear it, but you need to hear it. This is NOT somebody you should trust. Trust means that the other person will respect you even when you’re not around. This woman is using your hardships to get sympathy for herself. I know that narcissism gets thrown around a lot, so I won’t say she’s clinically a narcissist…..but she has something in common with them, at the very least.
“I also understand that my behavior may have affected her differently than I intended.”
Stop it. No seriously, stop it. I know what you’re doing. You’re trying minimalize her accountability. Stop being so weak. That’s not kindness. Kindness is saying hard truths that need to be said and NOT having the spine of a jellyfish. Stop babying her side of the situation.
You would not be the ah if you didn’t want to meet for coffee. You would not be wrong if you went to them to hear them out. You’re not wrong for either choice. If you don’t want to, just text them and say “Thank you for the invitation, but no thank you.” IF they are SINCERELY remorseful FOR YOUR SAKE they won’t push it. If they keep hounding you, they are only wanting to potentially apologize for their own sake, not yours.
NTA. If they reach out to you again asking why, I think you should be honest with them just like she asked you to be with her, because they need to hear that their behavior doesn’t make for long lasting friendships. Maybe it’ll make them mad, but hey, they’re not your friends anymore – maybe they never were.
Not sure what to say or how to word it? I can tell you how I would, if you want.