TL;DR: Wanting to change back my last name for being proud of belonging to a minority group, but a parent associates it with childhood trauma from my biological grandfather.
WIBTA?
I had a different last name when I was born and which was changed in my preteens. I didn’t have a say in it, I wasn’t asked if I wanted to get my last name changed.
I asked why and the response was ”because people struggled to spell it”, but I know it’s a deeper reason, because of the trauma from my biological grandpa (whom I’ve never met luckily).
To me, it felt like half of my identity disappeared.
I recently asked if I could change it back and I was told ”I’d be very sad”, which I understand. A friend changed his last name and I wish I could do the same, but it feels like betrayal.
I feel like I carry my parent’s baggage. I have mixed feelings. I also feel a bit disappointed that I didn’t learn the language as a kid (because of the pressure from my parent’s and grandparent’s generation to assimilate in society from the 1960-1990’s, where parents were encouraged not to teach their children because ”it might confuse them and make them harder to assimilate”).
I recently found out that I do count as one of the national minorities as third generation and I want to be proud of that, but I don’t want to hurt my parent’s feelings.
I wish I find change back to reclaim it and make it a positive thing. My aunt was positive to me changing it back but she wasn’t treated as my parent was.
Edit: I have considered going with the patronymic ”\[dad’s name\]-son” (as they do in Iceland).
that’s a tough spot. it’s your name and your identity at stake. while i get wanting to avoid family drama, reclaiming who you are sounds like a move worth making.
NAH, you can obviously change your name to whatever you want, but your parent is probably not going to like it and you can’t make them feel differently. Parents are often touchy around name changes even if they don’t happen to overlap with traumatic stuff for them, so this seems like it could be extra touchy.
NTA As an adult you can change your name to anything you like but if this specific name has negative impact on a parent, perhaps another culturally appropriate name might be a good way of reclaiming your heritage without seeming to disregard your parent’s issues?
NAH
NAH. I would wonder if you could choose a different Finnish name to honor your heritage but not a person who apparently traumatized your family?
I have a cousin who shared the same first and last name as their bio dad who was in prison for heinous crimes against children. They changed their full name and wanted a way to honor the rest of the family and family history without using that name. We went back in the family lineage a bit and found an ancestral name for them to use.
The ancestor was a meaningful person in California history- where the cousin is from- so it helped them recover some positive associations with their family history.
NTA You have to live your life. Your mother changed your name for personal reasons to do with how she feels; you have the right to change your own name for the same reason — and you have more right than she ever did, because you are changing your own name for yourself. You’re not asking her to change her name.
You can explain to your mother that for you it’s all about reclaiming your connection to your cultural heritage. You understand that she might not like your original name for personal reasons, but you hope she can understand that it is in no way a rejection of her or anything to do with her personal issues with the name, but about your desire to have that connection to your actual heritage.
If you do it your mother won’t be happy, but hopefully she’ll get over it in time, and you, not her, will be the one to carry whichever name you decide to have every day for the rest of your life.
Change it if you want to. It is your name, and if it has meaning to you, then I hope your family member understands (do not expect them to). That last name means a whole different reason to them, and that last name was originally changed to avoid traumatic feelings for them… but it is ultimately the decision you have to make for yourself. So this may hurt your family members feelings, and you will have to be prepared for that. They may not understand, ever. Live your authentic life, and the life that means the most to you.
NTA.
I know it’s a family name, but instead of changing it back to the old name have you considered picking a new family name that feels right to you and doesn’t have the same negative connotation for your parents?
NAH – your parents had a valid reason to change it and you have a valid reason to want it back. Are you very attached to this particular surname (since you used it before or maybe if you have family members with the same surname) or would it be possible to go back the family tree and try to find a surname with less baggage? It’s maybe not as traditional but it’s not uncommon either, especially young couples look for “neutral” surnames to pick when they get married.
Your story is also surprisingly common, people tend to escape family trauma and microaggressions by assimilating. Hope you can find peer support from Sweden Finns or Finnish communities in Sweden 🙂
NAH.
I think it’s really important to take into consideration that trauma does not behave logically. You have to figure out if changing your name back is worth potentially alienating people you love.
My cousin Brad and his wife, Valerie, picked out a name that ended up having deep trauma for several members in my family. This was a name that was picked randomly, but invoked such a horrific reaction that Brad and Valerie picked a completely different name.
I’ve asked about it and they said that it was not worth potentially ruining relationship relationships over a name.
Only you can decide if this name is important to you or if there’s other ways to honor your connection. I’m not saying you don’t have a right to that name, or that you shouldn’t change it… But if there is trauma involved, both sides have a valid reason to feel that way
To random internet strangers, YWNBTA. But it’s not our opinion that matters to you, it’s your parents and they have made their feelings clear.
So you have to decide what is more important to you, having a last name the represents your heritage, or sparing your parents feelings. Only you can answer that for yourself.