A little background:My sibling is already married. This couple was officially married in 2022. Being the youngest sibling in the family, there has always been a ‘golden child’ vibe around this particular, so needless to say I feel like I’ve been celebrating this marriage for 4 years now. My sibling’s spouse is an acquired taste, which, me nor my partner have developed a liking for, but we are able to tolerate them in small doses. I should also mention that this sibling and I are not exactly super close. I’ve accepted this and let it be what it is.
The ‘ceremony’ plans: Talks about this celebration have been ongoing since early/mid 2025. My partner and I were under the impression that the ceremony would be held at a beach/harbor in May, but we were waiting for the save the date to get the details. Our STD never arrived, and my sibling never checked in. Having reached out to my sibling and getting no response, I reached out to our family group chat at the end of Jan and started asking about the ceremony. I needed information on where the ceremony was, what time, rehearsal dinner etc.. and nobody knew anything. There was mention of a website that had all of the information, but no one knew what the website was, as my sibling and their spouse did not reply to the chat. This is where I started getting frustrated and not wanting to attend. I made some phone calls to my father, mom, and other siblings and expressed how bat-shit crazy it is that my partner and I are expected to make arrangements to travel the entirety of the country with zero information. My father’s response was "I can’t force your sibling to respond". My mother’s response " ask my siblings spouse". Come to find out a few days later, the ceremony is actually on a party boat that leaves the dock from 5pm- 11-midnight. There will also be a cocktail hour at a seafood/crab shack the night prior.
My issues: My main issue is the lack of communication coupled with the lack of response from this particular sibling. Living in the west coast and having to purchase plane tickets to the east coast is already pricey. My partner does not fly well, and with that means I search for the most accommodating flight within our budget. Plane tickets were about 1k over budget, Car rental & hotel were also over budget. My partner also has a serious shellfish allergy and neither one of us drink so we most likely would not be attending the cocktail hour. Not to mention… We both absolutely hate the idea of being stuck on a boat that leaves port for 5-6 hours and no way off. We’ve been joking that my sibling’s spouse is trying to hold people hostage so no one can just leave when they have a melt down.
With all that said, WIBTAH if I excused myself and my partner from this ‘ceremony’? We feel like our time and energy would be better spent helping my aunt & uncle rebuild their deck since we both already have the PTO approved.
Unfortunately, if they want to do to attend, they would’ve provided more information. They would’ve sent you a save the date. They would’ve sent you the website information. If they didn’t, you don’t have to go.
You should decline. They obviously don’t care if you are there or not.
NTA
NTA, sounds as if the sibling doesn’t really care if people attend given they aren’t sending STD or invites, or responding to questions. That they’ve been married for four years already is icing on the cake.
NTA. It’s not in the budget.
Sibling isn’t making an effort for you to be there so you should match that effort in trying to be there.
I’m guessing the aftermath of ’ruining their wedding day’ will occur but not responding to any of that is response enough.
YWNBTA.
I think your nuclear and extended family will consider YTA. You’ve given tons of reasons why you don’t want to go: They are already married, she is the golden child, her husband is unlikeable, you are not close to this sibling, they didn’t respond to details for several days, your partner can’t eat shellfish, you don’t like being “stuck” on a boat, and it’s too expensive to fly there. You just dont want to go, so don’t, but yes, YWBTA.
In my view people should not be obligated to attend a wedding when it requires a flight across the country and a few days stay in a hotel. There should be a limit as to how much time and money you spend to attend someone else’s wedding. If you want to go, fine. If it creates difficulty, they should understand.
I would simply tell your sister that you don’t have the budget for what she planned and that she waited too long to inform you, and you’re no longer able to attend
NTA- its pretty obvious they dont want you there. Why should you bother?
Personally, I think its pretty tacky to have a wedding party 4 years after they got married.
You’re in luck!
Miss Manners offers exactly one polite excuse for missing a wedding to which one has been invited: “Regrettably, we are out of town on that date.”
You live across country! Though, this being a sibling, you’ll need a bit more, so I suggest “Regrettably, we cannot manage the logistics of a cross country trip during that time.”
You may be relieved, that this may cause no consternation – given the lack of communication, getting you to the wedding may not have been high on their list of imperatives.
NTA
NTA
An invitation is not a summons. Though, depending on family dynamics, it can effectively be one!
How will your parents react if you don’t go? Do you care? If so, do you want to consider going solo to cut travel costs? Could you coordinate with other family members to travel to and from the airport and hotel to eliminate car rental costs? Or, is this just not a trip that you have any wish to take, even if there are later familial repercussions?
It sounds like this is taking place relatively soon? That being why the cost is especially difficult? With the current world situation, prices for fuel (and therefore air travel) will likely be going up and that will make things worse, so the higher than expected prices will probably not go down. Budget is a very real issue and a completely reasonable excuse for not attending any event.
Here’s your reply: “Oh! that sounds like it will be delightful! However, it’s simply not in the budget…. We are looking forward to seeing pictures and hearing all about what fun you have. All of our best wishes, Sib & Partner”
Sounds like you don’t want to go anyway. The lack of effort on their part to make sure you’re invited feels like the stars aligning. Wait until they reach out to you and then say ‘oh I wish I had known sooner! have lots of fun though!’
NTA. Its ok to decline a wedding when they have been married 4 years. Its just a gift grab. Send them some post it notes as a gift and call it good.
I don’t think sibling really wants you there so opting out is a win/win.