Today I(18ftm) was hanging out in my room with a friend. My roommate(18f) was in the common room of our suite with another friend filming some TikToks. As my friend and I were doing homework we overhear my roommate talking about how her pad makes it look like she is a man. She then goes on to say “I look like a t-slur”. My friend, also being queer, and I looked at each other in shock. I had noticed my roommates use of gay in negative ways and insensitive jokes since the beginning of the semester, but I brushed it off never thinking she would reach the point of using slurs.
My friend then suggested that we go speak to an RA, and so we did, and a mediation meeting was scheduled. Usually I would have talked to someone personally if I had an issue, but given how new my medical transition is and how many times she had used gay in a negative context in the past I didn’t feel exactly safe doing that. When I returned to the dorm my roommate asked “Are you good?” And I gave a frustrated yes in return. About an hour later she came back into the room asking if I was okay because i posted a note on my instagram. I said I was fine and she pushed further asking if it was her. I shrugged and she continued to ask questions. I finally told her it was because she used the slur and she got upset. Saying that it was fine because she wasn’t directing it at anyone. I got upset and told her that I went to the RA because I didn’t feel safe around someone so comfortable using slurs that didn’t belong to them. She got angry saying that it wasn’t fair to go to an RA without talking to her first and she stormed out.
This isn’t nearly the first issue I’ve had with her but idk if I should’ve just talked to her about it.
So, AITA?
NTA, she’s an adult, she should know not to use slurs. It’s not your responsibility to put yourself in a potentially unsafe confrontation, it’s her responsibility to prove that she is a safe person. She proved she wasn’t by casually using a slur she has no claim to.
nta. a slur is a slur. it’s an aggressive word full of hate. she’s clearly unreasonable considering how she kept pushing you and got hostile.
NTA but being passive aggressive isn’t helping anyone. But it’s fine not to get along with your roommate. Just keep in mind that going to the RA will probably have ruined chances of being friendly but she doesn’t sound pleasant anyways.
NTA
If you don’t feel safe/comfortable having a conversation with your roommate directly, that is what the RA is for.
It’s possible she didn’t know that word is considered a slur (it’s still very present and thrown around casually by a lot of people and even in media). But the way she reacted makes me think you made the right choice: even if we give your roommate the benefit of every doubt and assume she just said it out of ignorance, she was immediately defensive and showed no intention of being sensitive going forward.
ESH. Slurs are bad and there is no excuse for saying them. However you need to learn to appropriately communicate. Being passive aggressive online and running to an RA is not the answer. Talk to her directly about it first and escalate as needed.
I feel like this is a very reasonable answer. OP needs to learn how to deal with situations in real life. And being passive aggressive, absolutely doesn’t help. In college people come from all sorts of different backgrounds. And sometimes they just don’t know any better. That’s not an excuse for their behavior, but they can also change. And I’m a firm believer that a way to change someone’s mind and heart is not through aggression or passive aggressive behavior but rather by having a dialogue. If after doing that things aren’t resolved, that is the time to go to an RA..
So using slurs is okay if they’re not directed at anyone? Yeah, no.
Her behavior made you uncomfortable, you didn’t feel safe addressing the issue with her directly, so you went to the RA. Sounds like a completely reasonable decision. RAs are there for a reason, and there’s nothing wrong with utilizing them.
In case you couldn’t tell, I’m saying you’re NTA. But your roommate is.
ETA: Passive aggressive Insta posts rarely make you the good guy, so YTA for that, but not the RA situation.
For context, the note I put on instagram said “ig I am too nice” which was a reference to her saying that I was too nice last night after she confided in me about issues with friendships. It wasn’t only a comment on her but also other things that have happened throughout the day. I didn’t mean for it to be passive aggressive, I just needed somewhere to put my frustration.
They’re the real one in the wrong…. But not gonna lie you went about it in a kinda asshole way. You had backup in your queer friend. Saying something to the person before running to the RA would have been more dignified. They double down? Ok to the RA it is.
NTA That’s who she is. People need to know.
NTA, your roommate is a transphobe. Hopefully you can get her kicked out of your dorm.