My (17F) parents are very affectionate with each other, which I normally think is nice. But sometimes it feels a bit intense when I’m around, especially when it’s just the three of us. For example, when we’re sitting together they’ll often cuddle, whisper, and giggle with each other while I’m sitting on the other side of the couch, which can make me feel like l’m intruding or third-wheeling. Because of that I often just get up and leave, which means I end up spending less time with them than I probably would otherwise.
Last weekend we were away together and my younger sibling wasn’t there, so it was just the three of us most of the time. My parents were very physically affectionate the whole weekend (holding hands constantly, kissing a lot, taking couple photos, etc.). At one point in a restaurant I actually moved out of the frame so they could take kissing photos because I felt awkward being in the background. A lot of the family photos from that night ended up being my parents holding hands or kissing while I was just kind of sitting behind them, which made me feel more like an accessory to their date than part of the moment.
Another thing that made me uncomfortable was when my mom wore a pair of shoes that were technically mine. We had bought them earlier that day and the plan was to get another pair later so we could both have them. My dad kept making very sensual comments about how "sexy" she looked in them. I know he was just complimenting her, but hearing that about something that was literally my shoes felt a bit weird to me.
Also the next morning at the hotel I could hear them being intimate through the wall, which woke me up. I know couples do that and I’m not judging them for it, but combined with everything else that weekend it added to the
awkwardness.
That morning I tried to bring it up calmly after numerous failed attempts of gently hinting at it. I told them that I know they’re a couple and I’m not saying they shouldn’t show affection, but sometimes when it’s constant around me I feel like I’m third-wheeling my own parents. I also said I didn’t want them to feel like they had to hide their relationship, just that sometimes it makes me uncomfortable.
My dad got really upset and said I was being disrespectful and ungrateful, especially because my mom had spoilt me that weekend. He also said I act like a victim and need to do some introspection about my behavior. My mom mostly ignored me after that.
For context, I actually thought the weekend was going well before that conversation. We had been laughing together earlier and I even took photos of them holding hands because I thought it was sweet. I wasn’t trying to criticize their relationship, I just tried to explain how I felt.
So l’m wondering if I handled this badly. Was it unreasonable for me to bring this up or feel uncomfortable about it?
Edit: I also want to clarify that my parents’ affection sometimes includes things like my dad slapping my mom’s butt in front of me. So yes, it gets worse.
NTA but this is tough. I don’t think you’re an asshole for telling them that you feel excluded or that you sometimes feel uncomfortable. From the way I see it you weren’t telling them not to love each other but just that it can be a bit much. There’s nothing wrong with parents being affectionate. As someone who grew up with parents who were the complete opposite, seeing them love each other would’ve been nice. But there’s definitely a time and place
NAH, you’re allowed to express your feelings. They are allowed to kiss and cuddle. It’s “normal”, whatever that means, for teenagers to be embarrassed or uncomfortable by the fact that their parents have sex, but honestly I don’t think anything you described was inappropriate.
I agree! I think part of what makes it uncomfortable for me is that sometimes it goes beyond what I mentioned in the post. For example, a couple weeks ago I was getting dinner in the kitchen and my dad slapped my mom’s butt and then kissed her. When I said it made me uncomfortable, they started making out right there as a joke, so I just left the room. It can be hard to remove myself from situations like that when we aren’t home.
NTA because I would be annoyed about this even if it wasnt my own parents. If I was on a trip with two friends who were a couple and all they did was kiss and hug the whole time making me feel like a third wheel I probably wouldn’t hang out with them again. And the fact that it’s your parents makes it worse. I feel for you and I’m sorry you weren’t listened to when you tried to tell them how it made you feel
So, there are multiple things going on here, and I know when you’re in it, it all feels like one big thing and it’s hard to untangle.
Them cuddling, holding hands, etc? Normal couple shit. Okay. You are sensitized to this because of the other stuff. Complaining about this part will make you seem unreasonable.
Them being so wrapped up in each other that you feel like a third wheel while doing family activities? Not normal. Acceptable to speak up about. The issue here isn’t the PDA, though, it’s that they’re ignoring you and you feel awkward and forgotten. Tell them that you’re so happy they love each other and you want them to have lots of romantic dates and such, but when you’re all together can they please include you in the conversation instead of whispering to each other, etc?
Your dad telling your mom how sexy she looks in your clothes, in front of you? BZZZZZZT NOPE NOPE NOPE, not okay, that was a moment when it would have been totally okay to say “Dad! Gross! Those are my shoes! Now I have to think about you saying they’re sexy every time I wear them!” Although that’s only if this is a one-off. If he sexualizes things with you like… habitually, worry less about censuring him and more about getting away safely while notifying as many trusted adults as possible.
As for hearing them have sex… sorry. Universal experience. This is what headphones are for. If they’re obnoxiously loud or leave doors open then tell them, but if they’re doing the normal amount of work to keep it private then you maintain the polite fiction that you don’t know they’re fucking.
NTA. Good luck.
Thank you so much. You’re right that a lot of the cuddling and holding hands is completely normal, I mean, they’re married and are allowed to act like it in their own home. Most of the time I just remove myself from the situation when it starts to feel awkward or I suck it up.
I did try, in the moment, to gently ask my dad to tone down the comments about my shoes so it wouldn’t ruin the mood, but he didn’t seem to get it, so I tried to bring it up more seriously the next day. Fortunately it’s not a frequent issue that would make me worry for my safety.
What is unfortunate is how loud the sex was. Unlucky me for not having headphones :/
Heh, if you don’t have headphones then you just play your music loud enough to drown them out. Helps muffle the sound AND reminds them that the walls are thin. It’s a pretty universally accepted response.
NTA your parents are weird
On one hand it’s great that your parents feel close to each other and aren’t afraid to show it, but on the other hand…..well…..this seems weird even to me (43m).
No son or daughter on the planet that doesn’t have a screw loose wants to hear their parents even use the word “sexy”, let alone use it directly towards the other parent in the room.
Your parents are……odd ducks and it’s a shame you can’t have a mature conversation with them. It sounds like you brought up your feelings in a respectful manner. NTA
NAH but it sounds like your issue is less about the PDA and more about you feeling “left out” when you just want to spend time with your parents
NAH
(no asshole here)
You are not “third-wheeling” your own parents, what a weird concept. You should be glad they still are visibly in love and happy together. This is how you were made! Many children of divorced or estranged parents would be joyous over this.
That said, you’re not wrong for asking them to be a little less AUDIBLY in love when you’re sharing a hotel with thin walls.
NTA, your parents shouldn’t be making you feel like a third wheel and they shouldn’t get mad at you when you bring up how it’s making you uncomfortable.
NAH
Most of what they’re doing is totally normal couple stuff, holding hands and kissing and cuddling. That’ll likely be things you need to get used to seeing.
The parts that are weird are them ignoring you while on a family vacation and your dad mentioning the sexiness of your shoes on your mom. Those things should be talked about. I would start that conversation with how you *feel* about those things. Don’t make it an accusation, but an expression of your feelings.
You parents shouldn’t have shut you down so quickly, they should care about how you feel. If they do that on the regular, maybe talk about how having your feelings shut down so quickly makes you feel. And if they don’t care at that point… counseling? Or… separating yourself from them emotionally. Adults aren’t perfect and you get to decide what you’ll put up with when you’re moved out and have your own freedom. When you’re away from them, this is something you can use to decide if you want to be as close to them or not.
NTA. Your parents are going overboard and it’s weird that they would be so defensive about it. Also the shoe comment made me gag a little