My niece, Ami (15) has been living with me for 4 years. Her mom left when she was 2. Her dad and grandparents gave her a very good life, private schools, competitive sports, etc. then her grandparents passed when she was 7 and 9.
Her dad married Grace when Ami was 10. Grace had 3 kids, 2 older than Ami and 1 younger. Ami never got along with Grace or her kids. Grace had no intention of being a mother to Ami but still insisted that her father treat all of the kids equally, leading to Ami getting pulled out of her school and activists because he couldn’t afford it for everyone, which caused Ami to act out. After a year Grace gave Ami’s dad an ultimatum: either Ami goes or she does. Next thing I know Ami’s getting shipped across the country to my place.
It was rough at first but after a lot of therapy and me doing everything I can to prove that I won’t leave, she’s doing great. She does well in school and I got her back into her sports. Contact with her dad has been minimal. He calls around Christmas and her birthday and he’s visited twice.
8 months ago Ami was diagnosed with a serious, life threatening illness. We ended up moving to be closer to some of the top specialists and as of now things are getting under control. I never told her dad about her illness because he never asked.
Her dad found out that Ami was sick through a family member’s Facebook post. He’s been calling and texting me, furious that I never told him about Ami’s illness, asking if I know how bad it is to find out that his kid is severely ill from Facebook, and threatening to take me to court to get my custody revoked.
Losing custody is highly unlikely but I plan to talk to Ami about perusing adoption just in case. When I talked to some friends about the situation they all think I should’ve at least texted Ami’s dad and given him a chance to visit Ami when she was sick, especially back when we didn’t know what was going to happen. Now I’m wondering if I was being too petty by not telling him that she was sick.
Was the sperm donor in touch? If not, that’s too bad.
NTA. You’re doing great Mama, keep going ❤️
NTA. He gave up his kid the second he agreed to that ultimatum. He gave up updates, visits and any say in anything she does and you were not wrong for focusing on her rather than him
Exactly. You can’t opt out of the heavy lifting of parenting and still expect a front-row seat to the kid’s life. He wants the warm fuzzies of knowing how she’s doing without having to actually be a father.
The irony is that if OP actually *did* keep sending him updates, he’d probably accuse them of harassment or trying to guilt-trip him. There is literally no winning with parents who willingly walk away.
What did Ami want? She’s 15, not 4. If she didn’t want you to contact her dad, NTA.
This is the correct answer.
If she wanted her dad to know and it was withheld, YTA.
If she didn’t want him to be told, NTA.
If you didn’t ask her.. also YTA. Because she might be thinking he possibly knows all this time and was ignoring it.
Ami’s sperms donor abandoned her for a woman after Ami already lost her mother at such a young age. And yes she’s 15 now. Do you honestly think for even a second, Ami wanted her Dad to be contacted? I think you already know the answer
NTA. You’re taking care of her. He gave up ALL rights to any kind of info when he sent her to you. If he cared he would never have given her up.
NTA, he is not a true father, he’s a sperm donor who donated his daughter as soon as she became inconvenient in his life. He’s not entitled to any info on her.
NTA. Oh fuck that. You don’t owe her sperm donor anything. Would have it be nice, sure. Necessary? No. He abandoned his 11 y/o for a relationship with someone who hates his kid. He doesn’t keep in contact with her and has seen her TWICE in 4 YEARS! Are you kidding me? He doesn’t get to play concerned father after what he’s done. And I have no doubt that if he tries to get custody, which let’s be honest is an empty threat, Grace would never allow that, he would be decimated in court. Not only is she 15 and has say in custody, but considering how minimal his contact he been with her, he should fit the definition of abandonment.
Talk to Ami and see what she wants and consult a lawyer as needed. As for him, it was his responsibility to check on his daughter. He never did, that’s on him.
>he would be decimated in court.
Sperm donor: is want my daughter back, OP withheld viral medical info regarding my child from me
Judge: how did she withhold vital information
Sperm donor: she never told me
Judge: why does she know more about YOUR child’s health than you do
Sperm donor: because she never told me
Judge: why is it her job to tell you medical info about YOUR child
Sperm donor: because i sent my child to her when my wife made me choose
Judge: (getting pissed) how much contact have you had since
Sperm donor: i call for every birthday and Christmas
Judge: AND
Sperm donor: (refuse to answer) …
Edit: call for birthday and Christmas not present for birthday
The only person you can tell you the answer to the AH question is Ami.
I would consult a family law attorney. If there wasn’t a legal setup in place, the sorry excuse of a Dad probably owes OP some coin for taking care of his kid after shipping her off and abandoning his parental duties. Heck, the Dad might be in legal trouble too!
NTA. Ami at the age of 14/15 could have told her dad herself, if she wanted to. It’s about what is best for Ami, not about what her mostly absent biological father who abandoned her for a new family wants. And if she wanted him to know, she was old enough to make that decision herself. If my father abandoned me at such a young age, I wouldn’t consider him my father anymore.