So I (15F) and she (14F) became friends in grade seven, meaning I was fourteen and so was she. Let’s call her H. Either way, this whole thing happened in grade seven inside of a friend group of mine. H and I were eating lunch with these people when I jokingly asked "Who do you think is the most annoying in the group?" to be fair, it was probable not the best question to ask, as one of the guys was known for being called annoying.
Fast forward to after school and I entered the group chat (on WhatsApp) There, I don’t truly remembered how we got into the conversation, H, another girl (14F) and the guy (14M) started yelling at me about my comment earlier. That escalated into an argument that kept escalating and escalating. Another guy joined (14M) that was more on my side than the others, but he was more neutral than anyone. Eventually the group chat fell apart and so on. It ended up in school, talking to a counsellor and so on. Some of the things said are not something I wish to discuss here and I (who has been cyber bullied before by classmates) knew it was worse than last time, as no one liked me back then (I was annoying. Genuinely, I would have been incredibly annoyed at my younger self)
I didn’t speak with them until eighth grade, where I became friends with a new student (13F) When I was gone for a week due to being sick, I found out she had started talking to H. I get that she can be friends with others, but I still told her. After that, I did hang with my friend and H and the other girl that had been in the group chat, as they were friends.
Eventually, this girl and her friend (the two in the group chat) had a fight as well, which they had multiple time before. Either way, the girl and I bonded a bit over our annoyance with H.
This thing happened in PE when we were doing dancing. H was dancing with my friend and I was with the other girl (as we had both been sick last lesson) I entered the changing room where H and my friend were dancing for some reason. I complained about being so far behind. H said "That is your problem, solve it." I get that it is a response people say, but she sounded rude and like she didn’t want me to be in there talking to my friend (as I was not speaking with H) I got annoyed, swore at her and left the room.
When I spoke with my friend later, she did agree this girl had very manipulative tendencies, as she was very dependent, but also independent. Like she needs other for things she doesn’t want to do, but does things others want to do on her own.
AITA for being annoyed at her, as well as being annoyed at my friend being friends with H?
Please tell your mum this story and if she’s got her head screwed on she’s gonna sit you down and explain consequences to you and how when you start shit you don’t get to choose where it ends.
First off, you aren’t ever the AH because of *feelings*. Assholery is based on actions, not the private things that live in your head.
So are you the AH because you’re annoyed? No. You’re annoyed because you’re annoyed. It’s what you *do* with that annoyance that makes you an AH or not.
It sounds like H was helping your friend learn the dance steps she missed. You felt like your friend was disloyal and like H was trying to get between you. You were rude. You don’t have a monopoly on your friend, and she’s allowed to be friendly with both you and H. H was also rude, but “That is your problem, solve it” in response to your articulating a problem is *less* rude than swearing and storming out.
Over all, ESH because it sounds like there’s a history of bad behavior and enough to go around–but the truth is less ESH and more ESY: Everyone Sounds Young. As you get older, you learn (hopefully) to stop antagonizing people on a regular basis. You learn not to throw conversational bombs like “so… who does everyone agree is most annoying?” because that cannot possibly accomplish anything good. You learn that when an argument starts escalating, the goal of a healthy group is to de-escalate it. And you learn that if you have a falling-out with someone and then you are going to be in their orbit again, ideally you reach out to them and try to talk it out rather than just pretend it didn’t happen.
But again, you’re young–*really* young. Your jealousy and not wanting your friend to hang out with someone you don’t like does not make you an AH. It’s when you act on those impulses that you become one.