My(36M) friend(35F) "Vanessa" had a baby this past Wednesday. She’s always wanted a kid, everyone is so happy for her.
She and I are in a group chat with our friend "Joey"(38M) and his husband (50ishM) where we share memes and shoot the shit. Joey jokes around with and/or criticizes Vanessa to the point that I think crosses the line. A very light example: he called her Moodeng (the hippo) when she sent a cute picture of her pregnant self wearing a feather boa on Mardis Gras. I rarely say anything because Vanessa never seems to complain and frankly Joey can be a bit dramatic when he gets called out on things and I just don’t feel like dealing with it (which is probably why Vanessa doesn’t say anything either.)
Vanessa is probably the kindest, most understanding person I know. Not a pushover at all, but always gives people the benefit of the doubt. Recently, very pregnant Vanessa said to me "why is Joey so mean to me sometimes?"
Yesterday Joey asked how the baby was doing. Vanessa sent us a picture of the baby alone and one of her with the baby.
**Vanessa**: we are doing pretty well. Survived the first two nights. I think we’re probably going home tonight already
**Joey**: oh no your face. Hormonal imbalance that quickly?
**Vanessa**: What?
**Joey**: Breaking out no?
**Vanessa**: No
**Joey**: Oh it’s chocolate on my phone. Disregard 😳😳
**Vanessa**: I just have no sleep
**Me**: Well that’s the last update Joey gets
**Joey**: I was like what happened? It can’t be that quick.
There were a few texts referencing something unrelated, then Joey said "the baby is cute Vanessa!"
I side-texted Joey:
**Me**: I think you owe Vanessa an apology. She just had a kid, sent a picture of herself, and your immediate response was to criticize how she looks. Even if you didn’t mean for it to be mean it was
**Joey**: I don’t owe her shit. It was a legit question bc we discussed before hormones affecting her acne so it was me asking if she’s breaking out that quickly bc the baby was born.
**Me**: Ok
**Joey**: it was out of skincare curiosity not anything malicious.
**Joey**: (attempts to send screenshot of his conversation with Vanessa but accidentally sends screenshot of our conversation) Here you go. Now FUCK OFF
**Me**: You sent a screenshot of our conversation
(I noticed he left the group chat)
**Me**: I do not care if you’re mad at me.
Somewhere in there Vanessa side-texted me
**Vanessa**: I was like wtf is wrong with Joey. Even if I did look bad why would you say that?? I just don’t have any makeup on bc I had a c section 24 hours before the photo! He texted me now like to apologize but more like "sorry you took that the wrong way"
**Vanessa**: Ugh now he texted me he’s mad at you for "making this into something". I can’t deal with him lol I should have just ignored his apology text
**Me**: Yeah you have a different baby to worry about now
Did I make something out of nothing? Am I the asshole for saying something to him?
Why are y’all friends with such an unapologetic asshole?
NTA, but get better friends.
NTA. Why are y’all friends with this person? He’s toxic af
NTA Joey doesn’t sound like a very good friend, he seems like he’s stuck in high school.
NTA. Stay tf away from Joey. He seems like one of those people who always has to be a leg up from others. Even if it means pushing people down to get there.
>Even if it means pushing people down to get there.
You’re absolutely spot on. He sounds insufferable. I don’t know why OP and Vanessa let this behavior slide for so long. Joey needs to grow the fuck up.
NTA. I hope OP blocks Joey.
Nta and I think both you and Vanessa should ditch your “friend”
You’re NTA, but Joey sure is.
NTA – Joey sounds like he is rude as hell
Wow, NTA but Joey certainly is. Honestly, keep calling him out and standing up for Vanessa. She doesn’t need his petty bullshit, especially now that she’s postpartum, hormonal, and will be running on very little sleep. She needs people that lift her up and support her, not pointing out perceived flaws. Who sees a picture of a new mom and her baby and the first thing they think to say is a criticism on how she looks? I’d be backing away from this “friendship.” He sounds bitter and mean, why stay friends with someone like that. You did good calling him out, somebody definitely needed to.
NTA, glad you finally stood up to Joey, seems like Vanessa appreciated it too.
NTA
No reason for Vanessa to put up with that (or you). He sounds like a child who can’t handle someone saying “no, thats not okay ” 🙄
NTA. What friend comments like that toward a freshly post partum mom?
Also the fact you have to walk on egg shells around Joey is very telling. If you have to put up with that then you guys really aren’t friends.
I think you are all weak for not calling him out every single time. If he can’t handle it, tell him to fuck off.
Joey sucks. NTA and reconsider the friendship.