I 49 F had a bad breakup with ex bf (48) 8 months ago. I had moved to a new state and didn’t know anyone here. I got my own apartment within 2 months though we did working on things for another 4 months before I ended things for good. I loved the job I got here so I stayed. Shortly after my friend "Jane"F(52) started complaining about her living situation and I felt she was warming up to ask me for us to be roommates. She currently lives with a mutual friend and her disabled husband in another state.Her living situation isn’t dangerous, just sometimes they don’t get along sometimes for various reasons. I had a black mold problem at that apartment so I told her truthfully I didn’t feel comfortable inviting someone into an unsafe environment. The cost of living is much cheaper where I am located and I told her she could easily afford her own apartment here (She’s on disability). She made it clear she didn’t like that idea though she never gave any reasons why. We settled on waiting until my lease was up and we’d get an apartment together. This is where I may be the AH. I didn’t think it through before agreeing. I thought it would be nice to have a friend near but now I’m consumed with doubts. We each have 2 cats so it would be a 4 cat household. Also they have never met, what if they don’t get along? I am also concerned because I make a decent living and would like to do things she couldn’t afford. Would I just go and not invite her? Invite her knowing she can’t afford it? While I wouldn’t mind paying sometimes, I don’t want to do it all the time. Past roommate situations in the past always had expiration date. This feels like a until I die thing not get on her feet situation .Would I be the AH if I told her I didn’t want to be a roommate with her anymore?
NTA. I have a hard and fast rule to never live with friends. I made that mistake twice in college and it ruined the friendships.
Absolutely! And this is exactly what you can tell your friend
No NTA. You have recognized the possible issues that may arise. From what you have described, I think she will expect you pay for her. What if she expects you to do all the house care?
NTA. Better to call it off now rather than later. You’re also at an age where roommate drama should be in the past. I would tell her that you’ve decided it’s best for you to live alone. Any mention of the cats or lifestyle could easily go south.
I wholeheartedly agree! Mentioning those reasons will just give Jane room to argue and try to convince you to change your mind.
Thank you both. I appreciate your points and taking the time to respond!
Just be honest with her and tell her you don’t want a roommate and like your privacy. Tell her she could get a place in the same complex as you.
Unfortunately she wouldn’t as I live in an apartment she couldn’t afford on her own. That being said I did find several decent places relatively close to me but she wouldn’t even consider it when I suggested she get her own apartment. Cost of living is much cheaper where I am than where she lives. That was the second biggest reason I decided to stay.. But you are correct, honesty is best.
NTA never live with friends. It’s one thing if you start off strangers and become friends but more often than not, it results in a friendship breaking down. I also have questions regarding her husband, like is the plan to just abandon him?
NTA. You have a right to change your mind. If your friend accumulated damages in some way because of your agreement (now has nowhere to live, spent/lost income or funds, etc.) it would be a different story as I’m sure you’ve had ample opportunity to tell her, but if not, it’s just time to have a tough conversation.
At the end of the day, as your friend, she should understand. I would say to just be mindful when talking to her about it so your explanation doesn’t become justification; you don’t have to justify this choice to anyone. If it above everything else (cats, duration of the stay, etc.) it simply comes down to the fact that you’ve come to enjoy living alone and in your own space, then just tell her that because the rest is just noise. I would think she would think that she would be happy that you’ve landed in such a place of contentment. If she can’t be happy for you, then is she really your friend?
NTA. Tell the truth. You thought you would want a roommate, but you realize you are better without one. Fiddle with the wording, but don’t give reasons or apologize. It is what it is.
It sounds like you are doing really well! Enjoy it!
NTA !!!!!
NTA Not only are you allowed to change your mind, but you shouldn’t live with your friend. Enjoy your piece and encourage her to as well. She is looking for a cushion but it doesn’t sound like she needs one and even if she does, you don’t need to upend your life to be that for her.