I’m 21F and in my junior year of college, set to graduate next year (for context, I live in the Philippines, and because of the profession I want, I can’t have the job I want until I get my degree).
Recently my dad brought up a plan for the future, that once I start working, he expects me to help pay for my younger brother’s college tuition. He presented it like it was already decided, and everyone looked at me waiting for a response. Feeling put on the spot, I awkwardly said “sige po" (a polite way of saying yes to elders in Filipino).
The thing is, my dad already struggles to pay my own tuition on time. There have been multiple times where deadlines were coming up and I had to remind him to make payments, which stresses me out constantly. He’s also extremely strict about giving me money for school. I have to provide screenshots proving exactly where the money will be spent before he transfers anything.
I would honestly help if he were genuinely unable to cover my brother’s tuition and allowance, but he has a stable job and seems to be fine financially. I don’t think it’s fair that I’m expected to fund his entire college education plus continue giving him his monthly allowance on top of that.
I feel like I was pressured into agreeing in the moment and that he never actually asked if I was comfortable with it. When the time comes, I’m seriously considering refusing to help pay for his college, even though I technically said yes.
AITA for saying yes in the moment but planning to refuse to pay for my brother’s college when that time comes?
I am 62F and my hubby and I put 2 kids through college. I am appalled as a parent that your dad is asking you to fund your brother’s college. You need to speak with him on the side and say you won’t even be earning much money to start and need to fund things like work clothing, a car, rent for your own place, food, etc.
But realize that he may then stop funding you. Do you have a back-up plan, can you get college loans? I hate to say this, but you may want to consider waiting until at least the fall tuition is paid so that the most you have to pay for is next spring. You’re NTA.
I plan on working in our country’s capital city someday and he is aware of this, so I think that’s the main reason why he said what he said. I guess a part of why I still haven’t told him how I truly feel about all of this is that he might stop funding me like you said. I’m just lying low right now.
You sound very, very American.
I’m not saying that OP is TA, but the fact that you believe by default that it’s a universal norm that people “need” their own car (not the case in many, many countries) or move out to live on their own as soon as they’re out of college (also not the case in many, many countries and cultures) is objectively wrong. If you’re going to judge this, you can’t apply your own cultural norms, which are not in fact universal.
OP said she’ll be working in the capital city, which is apparently not where her family lives, so yes, she will need to be able to afford her own housing and transportation (which may not be a car but the commenter was providing examples of things she may possibly need).
I would say AITA if you back out at last moment but have a clear conversation so that they have time to search for options and not blame it all on you. A big assumption on my part is “since you couldn’t say no in front of everyone, you would fold to guilt of leaving at last moment”. So I would say earlier you have a conversation the better. And I would say if they are not agreeing then agree of a limited amount for a few months and ask the brother to get job as soon as possible as you would not send money further. If you are able to say then say no cleanly and get out.
Not AITA
You’re expected to fund the entire college education and give monthly allowance despite your father never saying that was the case? So you agreed to help but not fund the entire thing. It would not make you the AH to bring up your financial concerns with respect to your father and outline that you are unable to help if it turns out you need to do more than what he said in the beginning.
It would also not make you the AH to withdraw if it’s not something feasible or fair.
ESH- you agreed to help pay part of your younger brothers tuition, not all of it. Your dad is trying to give your brother the same opportunities he gave you and is struggling to provide. Sometimes things appear affordable and the aren’t. If your father had a magic ball that said he would ultimately be able to spend ___amount of money on both, you might not have gotten the amount you already have. I would commit to a set amount each month or term and call it a day.
Why don’t you have a discussion to say you will help, but not pay 100%?
NTA
But if you do this, what will happen to YOUR financial support from your father, meagre as it is.
NTA for caving under pressure. That is how pressure works.
As for how to proceed, you should consider how much your dad gave you, and if it’s possible, consider paying a symbolic portion such as 5-10% of it back. It’s really important that you don’t create a hardship for yourself, so you should budget only a small portion of your income toward this, if anything. If you do decide to help, send money to your father rather than directly to your brother, so that your brother is less likely to be sent to you to ask for more.
I come from a family where my only working parent couldn’t afford tuition for us. If I had been given thousands for my education, I could understand sharing a part of that back.
Your dad clearly doesn’t want to pay for college. Talk to your brother as well as father to work something out. You are not responsible, BUT 1. Can you help your brother with some of the tuition? 2. Do you like him enough to do so? 3. Find out what your father’s issue is that he doesn’t want to help his own child.
Is it common in the Philippines for older siblings to help pay for younger siblings’ college? Because it certainly isn’t in the US, and my reaction is that you’re being totally taken advantage of and this is 100% a parental responsibility.
HOWEVER, your plan also sucks. You have to tell them you’re not going to pay now, not “when the time comes,” so they can make a financial plan that doesn’t rely on a contribution from you. ESH
EDIT: with one caveat. If you’re worried that he will cut you off financially in retaliation, and you wouldn’t be able to afford college on your own, then it’s OK to wait to have this conversation until your own college is paid for.
I understand why she doesn’t want to tell them know. If she tells them now, they’re going to hound her and shame her to death. She’s going to be harassed. NTA.
NTA putting you in the spot like that is manipulative af. You do not need to pay for his tuition. And you should probably save for your own needs: retirement, property, children, etc.