Background: I’m 21F, a college student. I don’t have any job. I used to have a sideline which helped me saved up. I spend the money on myself and my family (mom, dad, 2 younger brothers, and a niece). My aunt thought that I have lots of money.
Context: I’m studying away from my family. I found out that when our parents got separated, my aunt (my father’s sister) was an accomplice in my dad finding a mistress. She covered up for them. And her daughter 21F, my cousin, refused to give my brothers food (my dad is away and so is my mom due to job). Since the see my posting us getting groceries and such, she thought that I have lots of money and always keep asking me to give her. At first, I did because she also used to help us when we were kids. It kept going for long until I felt used. She said 2 other children (My 21F and 23M cousins) who works but she kept asking from me. But now, I don’t have any source of income. I don’t have any extras since I also give money to my niece. So I told her I have none and she keeps insisting and asking me for money.
Am I the Asshole for not giving her any money anymore? I still resented her for being part of the reason why our family was destroyed but chose to gave her money before since it was still my dad’s choice for cheating. But now, I don’t have any extras to give and I feel irritated because she keeps asking from me despite having other children to help her.
NTA, not your responsibility, she has your own children. do it once in a while when you have spare money
No… ur not…
It’s completely logical for not paying her anymore…
But does ur dad give her money to manage all expenses like groceries n stuff…???
If yes… no need to waste ur time thinking about this…
No. My dad doesn’t give her any. She already has a husband (her husband is mistreating her). And despite the mistreatment, she doesn’t want to leave him. My dad already told her, along with my uncle, to leave her husband but she refuses and now she keeps asking me for money whenever her husband refuses to feed her. I feel bad but I don’t also have extra to give her.
Hmmm, got it…
It’s a genuine reason…
It’s up to her now, whether she believes that u genuinely doesn’t have any money…
NTA, making money isn’t easy for anyone, she has absolutely no right to ask you for money. She should learn to earn her own living.
I know. And I’m a student with no income. Though I feel bad, there’s nothing for me to give to her.
NTA. The cheating history honestly doesn’t even need to be part of the argument anymore. The simple truth is: you have no income and no extra money, and she keeps asking anyway. That alone is enough reason to stop.
I also wouldn’t keep explaining or defending it, because people like this treat every explanation like an opening to keep pushing. Just give one boring, repeatable answer: “I can’t give you money anymore.” Not “right now,” not “maybe later,” not a long apology. If she keeps insisting, repeat it and end the conversation. The real problem here is not that she asked once, it’s that she learned you might say yes if she keeps asking. That’s the pattern you need to break.
While we’re on the subject, can I borrow $20?
If I only have $20. I’ll let you borrow $20 if you give me $40.
NTA.
She’s an adult, with adult children. People like your aunt like to exploit family members like you, because it’s easy to make you feel bad and shame you into it.
You should never fund anyone who tried to tear your family apart, or take advantage. She only sees you as a way to get money.
NTA. Sometimes, poverty is what it take for a woman to leave an abusive man. My daughter was always broke. Her husband gave her insufficient money for groceries, but then ate lunch out. Additionally, he usually waited until Saturday to giver her money so she had to take all the kids to Aldi rather than just the 1 or 2 not in school. Yes, she went with her basket and kids to get free food. He also was late paying bills and they got shut off notices for utilities. Had I somehow wired money to her every time she was broke, she probably would still be married to him, and he’d still be abusing her and the kids. And I would be broke too. Your cousin is much more likely to leave husband if you don’t subsidize her life. It sounds cruel, but it is probably true even if you did have the money. You don’t have it. You can’t give what you don’t have, and you shouldn’t go in debt even if they hadn’t treated you badly with your cheating dad.
If it were today, I would order groceries for my daughter to pick up at Walmart, since everyone needs to eat. But, in retrospect, I am glad I didn’t have that option. She also wasn’t the wisest with her use of money, but that’s another issue. The last straw for her was when he got physically abusive because he thought the meal she fixed for dinner was inadequate. The kids said it was the best one they had in ages. He just didn’t come home because he didn’t want to hear complaining about shut off notices and dealing with a bunch of his wild kids (ages 2 months thru 12). He also had weird ideas on birth control, and their “natural” planning produced lots of babies.
NTA.
She’s a grown woman. She can look after her damn self.
“No.” Is a complete sentence, hon. I don’t know how she guilted you for so long, but it has to stop – permanently. Especially since she has grown children she can ask for assistance. _You don’t owe her anything._
You don’t have to explain _anything_ to her, but a simple, “no, I don’t have any.” Is enough.